POCD?

This is really hard for me to say... when i was a child, cant really remember at what age exactly, i was molested by my neighbors son ( who thank god does not leave with them anymore) , at the time I didn't see it like it was bad, he said it was for me to learn, which is disgusting now that i think about it, as time passed by i came to the realization , what he did was wrong, why didnt it feel like it? Did i liked it, do like it? I matusbated with the idea of him doing the same to me, but not as a child, i imagine him doing it to me when i was older, at that time I was 17,18,19?

Cant really remember, but i feel disgusted and mortiphied about my past actions, i used to watch por , it all began with curiosity, but it was adults porn, sometimes girlxgirl, boyxboy, girlxboy, at that time i wss struggling with my sexuality, i have stopped watching porn for a year now? Cant really tell,It seems so long ago, i dont feel lime i want to watch porn again, since my own imagination is enough , i came with the terms of being bisexual, and im suprisingly okay with it? However this is not the problem, on the beginning of january, I kissed a guy i didnt know, he was a stranger, i was drunk,and a little high.

My problem beggan whan i started obssesing ober getting sick, constants thoughts about having HIV, or herpes, my life was gone,my future, i wont be able yo marry and have children,a family, i was depressed, anxious, horrible feeling. I started seeing a therapist,still am, about this obssesion which she still is not going to refer me to a psychiatrist because she thinks i can overcome this, however this obsession turned worst when i started having thoughts about being a pedofile, and harming kids, i hate myself for ever letting this thoughts overcame me, but this first started about two o half a year ago ehan i was volunting in a kids shletr, i was looking at little girls pants( the mere thought disgust me) , i started oanicking ,what if im a pedo? What if i like kids? What if ?

I wasnt that big of an obsession because from time to time i was able to forget about them, but now its back, and im scared of being one, im scared of not being able to fight the urge, ive never feel this way about a child before, but the constants thoughts that im a pedo scares me, because i want to have a family and be hapoy, and not think about this. Ive been looking pedofile profiles, and i came across some very disturbing cases, that made believe that maybe i am one? I recently read about POCD and k was relief that maybe im not a monster or damaged or disgusting, to be honest ive never fantasied about kids, but i think that i may be denial? I scared of feeling this way, ims contantly crying, and feel suicidal, and feel like i cant keep holdinh on, i cant talk to a terapist because im scared of being diagnose of such thing, im scared of living a life like a pedofile, seems horrible, ive always been attracted to people my age, or two years to three younger, not more because i tell myself that they're too young, and im attracted to older people too, but now i keep checking with thoughts if im attrated or not to kids, and i get this weird feeling down there, i should say im a 21 year female, and im scared to death, i sure hopes so is POCD and that im not just in denial, im remember pass episodes whn one of my little cousing was pressing himself on my back and i remeber feeling something down there ?

And i felt so uncomfortable, just the mere thought of someone doing that a to a child is morthiphying for me. I just hope to god that im a pedo and this just going away, or its ocd. I'm sorry if this its too long, but can someone please help me? I feel so bad about myself. I have a little newborn cousin and I'm scared of feeling this way towards her or any kid, i was changing her diaper and i felt the same sensayion down below, and it disgust me that im going through this, that i feel like this. I read somewhere that people that have been molested or sexualy abused are more propense to become a pedofile, and i dont want to be a pedofile, im just so scared.

Please someone say something, i can't with this, i cant handle it.

Someone who desires children or wishes to do them harm does not think the way you do. On the other hand almost of your post shows signs of anxiety and something that could cause OCD and thus POCD. Your thoughts seem to be about fearing something, or fearing to "become" something, or being in denial.

These are all traits of anxiety.

You were abused when you were younger. It's confusing you and now is, perhaps, why you are expressing this anxiety.

I think you need to see someone. I am sorry you are going through what you are, but if it helps this sounds like many of the posts here - you are not a pedophile.

Otter.

[quote="Otter"]Someone who desires children or wishes to do them harm does not think the way you do. On the other hand almost of your post shows signs of anxiety and something that could cause OCD and thus POCD. Your thoughts seem to be about fearing something, or fearing to "become" something, or being in denial.

These are all traits of anxiety.

You were abused when you were younger. It's confusing you and now is, perhaps, why you are expressing this anxiety.

I think you need to see someone. I am sorry you are going through what you are, but if it helps this sounds like many of the posts here - you are not a pedophile.

Otter.[/




Thank you Otter for replaying, I talked to my psycologist and she said that i didnt fit on the Profile of a pedofile, but i have all theses thoughts that are deiving me insane, like for example what if I in the future come to terms with being a pedofile?, what if I really am in denial?, what if i have been faking being attracted to many guys and girls before all this happen? Im scared that during all this course I'll have to come to terms of being one, and that would drive me insane. I dont want to be a pedofile, sometimes i think im not, then somtimes i think I am, im even doubting being bisexual or liking people my age. This being said i have been scheduled for an appointment with a psychiatrist for tomorrow, and im affraid of how this is going to turn out. I just have to trust God, but its so confusing and Scary and i think im going crazy, and that im just doing this for attention, or because im a really bad person and I dont want to be diagnosed with pedofilia. I dont understand anything that's going on with me right now, and i feel like i dont really know myself, and that if get to know myself I'll come to terms about being a pedofile because i too had never being in a relationship and that makes me feel so weird. The only good thing about this, if i can even consider it good, im currently studying to be a psycologist and If i get diagnosed with ocd(which i hope it is, and not actual pedofilia) ,I'll focused on helping people with ocd, that's the only thing that keeps me sane. And of course my family and God.

Confused3130 wrote:Thank you Otter for replaying, I talked to my psycologist and she said that i didnt fit on the Profile of a pedofile, but i have all theses thoughts that are deiving me insane, like for example what if I in the future come to terms with being a pedofile?, what if I really am in denial?, what if i have been faking being attracted to many guys and girls before all this happen? Im scared that during all this course I'll have to come to terms of being one, and that would drive me insane. I dont want to be a pedofile, sometimes i think im not, then somtimes i think I am, im even doubting being bisexual or liking people my age. This being said i have been scheduled for an appointment with a psychiatrist for tomorrow, and im affraid of how this is going to turn out. I just have to trust God, but its so confusing and Scary and i think im going crazy, and that im just doing this for attention, or because im a really bad person and I dont want to be diagnosed with pedofilia. I dont understand anything that's going on with me right now, and i feel like i dont really know myself, and that if get to know myself I'll come to terms about being a pedofile because i too had never being in a relationship and that makes me feel so weird. The only good thing about this, if i can even consider it good, im currently studying to be a psycologist and If i get diagnosed with ocd(which i hope it is, and not actual pedofilia) ,I'll focused on helping people with ocd, that's the only thing that keeps me sane. And of course my family and God.

The "what if" I have bolded above hallmarks of OCD. In fact those two words are the devil in our heads - almost anyone with OCD will tell you that.

The rest of your post is about fear or fear of...

You're not going to become someone/something you don't want to be. This isn't cancer. You have a choice. And you already know what that choice is.

You brain is on fire and the thoughts are like kernel of corn that are popping in every direction because of the heat - without direction or meaning.

I am glad you are going to see a psychiatrist. Consider what they say. Maybe meds will help. They helped me. And you don't have to be on them forever, but you need to get this heat (anxiety) under control.

Otter wrote:

Confused3130 wrote:Thank you Otter for replaying, I talked to my psycologist and she said that i didnt fit on the Profile of a pedofile, but i have all theses thoughts that are deiving me insane, like for example what if I in the future come to terms with being a pedofile?, what if I really am in denial?, what if i have been faking being attracted to many guys and girls before all this happen? Im scared that during all this course I'll have to come to terms of being one, and that would drive me insane. I dont want to be a pedofile, sometimes i think im not, then somtimes i think I am, im even doubting being bisexual or liking people my age. This being said i have been scheduled for an appointment with a psychiatrist for tomorrow, and im affraid of how this is going to turn out. I just have to trust God, but its so confusing and Scary and i think im going crazy, and that im just doing this for attention, or because im a really bad person and I dont want to be diagnosed with pedofilia. I dont understand anything that's going on with me right now, and i feel like i dont really know myself, and that if get to know myself I'll come to terms about being a pedofile because i too had never being in a relationship and that makes me feel so weird. The only good thing about this, if i can even consider it good, im currently studying to be a psycologist and If i get diagnosed with ocd(which i hope it is, and not actual pedofilia) ,I'll focused on helping people with ocd, that's the only thing that keeps me sane. And of course my family and God.

The "what if" I have bolded above hallmarks of OCD. In fact those two words are the devil in our heads - almost anyone with OCD will tell you that.

The rest of your post is about fear or fear of...

You're not going to become someone/something you don't want to be. This isn't cancer. You have a choice. And you already know what that choice is.

You brain is on fire and the thoughts are like kernel of corn that are popping in every direction because of the heat - without direction or meaning.

I am glad you are going to see a psychiatrist. Consider what they say. Maybe meds will help. They helped me. And you don't have to be on them forever, but you need to get this heat (anxiety) under control.

Thank you so much for going out of your way to bring some relief, reassurance and understanding to someone you dont know, I'll keep in mind everything that you have said as a reminder, and your advises. I'm so relief to know that im not crazy, and that im not the only one with theses thoughts. Once again, thank you.