Hard day

I'm having a really hard time today with my OCD. This post isn't me asking for reassurance btw just trying to vent about OCD haha. Anyways it's honestly just so frustrating when I spiral out of control with my thoughts, I just can't think about anything else. And if I try it works it's way back into my mind.

I have ocd about my sexual orientation, and I worry that I am a lesbian. Every time I see a lesbian or lesbian couple I get anxious and it makes me feel horrible because I hate feeling this way. I totally support gay people too so it makes me feel bad that seeing a couple makes me anxious

And I hate the feeling of a groinal response because even though I'm educated on it and know it doesn't mean anything, in the moment it feels real. In the moment everything feels like proof. Like the finger ratio thing, sometimes my index looks longer to me and sometimes it looks shorter, and even thought I know because my fingers are a certain length that doesn't mean I am gay, it still feels like proof in the moment. And I still compulsively check my fingers, sometimes without even realize it.

Also I struggle with bubble sheets/scantrons for tests at school because I have this magical thinking compulsion where I feel like if I don't bubble in the bubble perfectly, it's a sign from God that I am gay. It's so horrible. I hate these intrusive thoughts. Before this all started I never thought about this stuff but now with ocd I constantly do and everything is about being gay.

And the worst part is I am STILL feeling weird around my best friend. Everything nice I do for her I think it's because I'm secretly in love with her. I hate thinking about her like that!!! I hate it so much and I just want to go back to how it was before I ever thought about her in that way. And I know I've distanced myself from her so we aren't as close as before and she knows I have OCD about this but I could ever tell her I've thought about her like that. It's so hard

And I was doing alright for a little while there, I was able to look at boys like normal and be interested in them without questioning it (as much) and I felt okay for a little bit. But today it's just hard. So I just wanted to talk a little bit about it. For anyone who understands just know that we're in this together and it sucks but it can get better I know I am getting better even though today was a hard day, and that's just what I have to remember. When this first began, before I got help, I had days like these, but way worse, every day. I was in constant misery. Now most days are alright. So I'm improving! That's a positive thing to remember. Hope everyone who's struggling is doing alright We will get better!!

I totally understand what you're going through. As an OCD sufferer, I've always had different aspects of this disturbing phenomenon. Compulsive handwashing, thinking that I'll stab my teacher or lunge at her, and to the dreaded intrusive thoughts and horrible HOCD. It can really manifest into many different thought patterns in the future but HOCD (or sexual orientation OCD) seems to trick the mind into thinking the false. In the end, it's important to know that this type of HOCD purposely thinks in the opposite way since you know what you're into and who you're really are. I believe it works everytime it messes up your mind since it knows what your boundaries are and what you are really interested in. I know somedays may be togher than the others. It may seem like a few hours or a few days. However, as you said, there is light at the end of the tunnel With the righ care, and the right mindset and dedication, it will show an improvement. But in the meantime, it's just easier to ward away any thoughts about sexual orientation OCD since it knows what you like and purposely wants to go against your morals. It's just nothing but falseness. Anyways, I wish you a happy day and wish that you get better from this rough patch. Take care

thanks for your response It's really nice to hear from someone who understands! You are so right about all the things you said, thanks for making me feel even more hopeful! I hope you're doing alright and wishing you a great recovery, OCD is rough but we're both making it through!