HOCD for 3 years and I'm emotionally drained

When the HOCD first started I thought it couldn't get any worse. When it would go away for short periods of time I was elated because I would be crushing on guys again and was attracted to them, analyze but then something triggers me and I become a mess all over again. I call myself bisexual but fight the attractions to females to make things make more sense. How does one just become a lesbian? Was my whole childhood a lie? All analyzed do is everything that could have pointed to me being a lesbian as a child and it just doens't add up. I liked boys.. I do like boys? I watch video after video on youtube about lesbians and bisexuals and hope that I don't relate to any of them, and when I do I get so sad and confused and angry. Some people have said that my attractions to guys throughout my life have been forced... How could they be? I didn't try to like all of my guy friends it just happened. Ever since my HOCD came about I've lost all sexual attraction to men and some how gained it towards women. The thoughts that used to frighten me I'm just used to now and almost worried that I enjoy them. Boobs don't gross me out neither does the idea of kissing a women and that makes me scared. I like ( or think) this guy right now and I'm afraid to go out with him because what if I don't like kissing him, what if I find out on a date with him that I am a lesbian, what if I am repulsed by sex with him. What is my crush on him is just me being even more indenial. Is it werid that I get nervous to see some of my friends now, especially the pretty ones, becuase I worry I like them. I love my friends to pecies but sometimes I can't hang out with them because I get worried I have a crush on them. I just wish I could rewind to 4 years ago when things were simpler and this was not on my mind at all. Sorry this is so long just had to get it off my chest.

Hi there hope you are feeling better today!

I've been a HOCD sufferer for a long time now but over the last few days have had a good few days of being clear minded. What I've thought is that, surely the whole premise of being gay is the fact that you enjoy being attracted to the same sex, and being in denial is more about the worry of people finding out, and I can't see for the life of me where the enjoyment in HOCD is. I think sexual attraction is something that is natural and I think the process of HOCD really blur the lines of what's natural to someone and what isn't. For me on the days where you have a clear head and you feel like you are attracted to men again and that feels natural. That has got to be what you are. That's the way I used to feel when I had good days, I was sure I was straight and it felt right.

I must also add that I've read a lot about sexuality and it isn't just a case of being gay or being straight, a lot of people describe it as a spectrum and you can be anywhere on it. Personally I don't think that finding the same sex sometimes attractive makes someone gay, I think it's more about sexual desire instead of finding someone attractive. When I look at a man and I find him attractive I ask myself, do I want to touch them or interact with them in a sexual way and the answer is always no.