Help from anyone would be fantastic

Hi all I'm a female and 19 yrs old I'm going to try and keep this simple. I was raised by a sadistic narcissistic father who was extremely physically and emotionally abusive up until I broke free of him last year and he moved countries. I lived with my single mum and she was amazing we are best friends...

In year 6 I told a girl in kindy her mum was not coming and I made her cry to comfort her.. I also used to tell my cousins I found other kids cuter than them and tease them.. in high school at age 14 I lied to everyone for attention and when I had a boyfriend I used to cut myself, suicide threat and even cut my own head to look abused for attention. I also have issues with male attention lately and will always try and get noticed/attention from men and I hate it, I act badly to gain there attention I don't know if it's because when I was a toddler my dad would only give me attention if I was bad?? Or I may have HPD because I used to always test my boyfriends but making fake accounts of other females/ tell him I cheated to see his reaction and if he cared etc I haven't done this in at least a year though.

When I was 18 I had to babysit my little cousins because my Aunty was sick I had them 12 hrs a day 5 days a week.. for some reason I used to pinch them for no reason and I used to enjoy smacking them and getting them into trouble I used to also enjoy teasing them and getting a reaction from them

Last November I had pain in my left chest I went to the ER many times in a month I had so many tests done looking for clots heart problems etc then the next month I thought I had cancer and obsessed over this until it turned to something else then I was suicidal because I was convinced I had schizophrenia.. then it turned to bipolar I obsessed over this for weeks I researched probably 14 hours a day I didn't sleep. I wasn't eating then I turned to analysing my past I sent the girl in kindy that I thought I was mean to messages saying sorry and sent 50 members from my primary school messages to ask them my behaviour (to look for sociopathic tendencies or behaviours) I also called my grandma and asked for all the photo albums to see photos of me as a child to see if I looked like a cruel child. Lately I've been getting horrible thoughts about my beautiful mum saying I'm going to kill her for attention since I'm so attention seeking I'm SO scared I will kill her to get attention off my ex boyfriend I love her SO much. I'm also scared I will harm my beloved dog (I've never hurt an animal in my life) these thoughts are torturous I'm convinced I'm sadistic and ASPD I've done so many tests online I haven't stopped researching I can't get these thoughts away from me I'm scared one day I'll like them and do them and I'm too scared to get better incase I act on them.

I'm genuinely a very soft person I can't even fish because I hate to see them struggle in pain.. people always say people that get harm OCD are the opposite but I did the cruel things to my cousins so I must be capable of killing? Please help I genuinely want to try and cut off my hands so my mum is safe. I don't want to be sociopathic or sadistic it's very scary for me.

-- Thu Mar 30, 2017 4:24 pm --

I just want to Jill myself because I grow older I don't want to turn into a serial killer.. I see no future for myself. Now every time I'm kind to someone I question it like am I being nice or am I killer just putting on a fake persona? Really struggling the thoughts are with me ALL day. I don't want to live like this and hurt someone I care about

Can someone please respond or offer advice....

Hi Courtney -

Are you or have you ever seen anyone for these issues? Naturally, some of what is happening to you happens to people who suffer OCD. On the other hand, suffering this does not mean you have OCD or would be diagnosed as such (something we can't do, even if we had enough info). It does seem, however, that you have some severe anxiety happening.

I don't think you are going to hurt anyone if you say it is not in your nature to hurt someone.

The abuse you suffered as a kid is enough to get you to see someone. It is quite possible that much of what you are suffering now has its roots in those days.

Get a hold of this now, while you are young. Start working it from the ground up. Without change, we start to create self-destructive patterns as we grow older and the are tough to shake.

You don't deserve this. Get some help.

Otter.

Hi yes I have been diagnosed with HOCD but don't feel I fit that diagnosis since I've had all these other issues as well.. I'm too scared to get therapy because then I feel I will hurt someone

I assume you mean you were diagnosed with OCD, as HOCD is not a diagnosis. Were you given meds?

Rereading your first post, I can't think of anyone who is a sociopath or violent person who thinks like that. Someone who is diagnosed with AsPD and has violent tendencies won't obsesses about hurting other the way you do.

But since you have been diagnosed I can say freely that many people with OCD think the way you do.

As I alluded to before, the longer you wait to start working at your issues the harder it will be. I made that mistake. I hope you don't.

Sorry yes OCD I just say HOCD as that's the only type I have had along with health OCD.. I've never hand washed etc .

I've been prescribed lexapro.

Thank you that helped a bit but it is a vicious cycle

Yes, the one things that can be said of OCD - vicious cycle! If the lexapro isn't working try something else. It took me a few different meds to find the right one.