HOCD or Gay??

Hi everyone,

My name is Kate, I am a 19 year old woman, and I have had HOCD since around November (or at least I'm hoping it's HOCD). Not sure what triggers people here, so if you are easily triggered, be weary.

I also have a bit of a sense of humor, sorry if it offends or annoys...

Anywhooo, here's a long-ass story.

It all sort of began when I saw a picture of my best friend of 8 years that was...suggestive. I had a weird tingling in my genitals and it scared the $#%^ out of me. I thought I was going to throw up because I was convinced, on the spot, that I was gay.

Thoughts plagued me for days and I avoided my friend for weeks afterward (which is super unusual for us-we were like sisters) but I was afraid anytime I was with her I might get sexual urges and not be able to control myself. It upset me, and her, a lot.

I asked my mom for reassurance and she said she did not think I was gay, (although she had never heard of HOCD), but she said if I was she would love me anyways. You know, the usual crap.

But this only made me feel worse. And this was only the beginning.

Since then, I have questioned my entire existence in terms of my sexuality. It did not help that I had never had a boyfriend before or that I always felt different from the normal girl crowd (more artsy and into more diverse subjects than boys and gossip and clothes). I also was a bit of a tomboy growing up.

I then thought of crushes I had in the past. Yes, they were all men. Some celebrities (Michael Fassbender was a huge one for me a couple years ago, and I liked young Paul McCartney when I was pre-pubescent). But I hardly ever imagined having sex with any of them as it made me feel a little frightened (and honestly still does to this day...). I thought this might be because my sister and best friend were both raped in high school, but that is somewhat irrelevant to this topic. Also had bad relationship with dad where he was very distant and very depressed since he was a recovering alcoholic. So yeah, tons of men issues.

Then I thought of my "potential" boyfriends, or more serious crushes. I had been with one boy at the end of my senior year of high school. He was all I thought about. We hung out a lot and cuddled all of the time, which I absolutely loveddd and would not have traded anything for. I kissed him but it was awkward because then he told me that night he did not want anything serious. I cried the entire day after. Guess I was a bad kisser ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Then I met another guy over the summer. of 2016. I never really found him attractive physically but admired his personality. We had a lot of fun together, but one day he asked me if a kiss was ok. I said yes, but when it happened, I was disgusted (by his breath) and extremelyyy embarrassed. I sort of feared him after that, since he wanted to do it more and did despite my not wanting to but not verbally protesting.

So, as you can see, I have had bad experiences with kissing, and it makes me anxious that I will never like kissing a man.

Since then I have had few attractions to men. Fastforward to around November and the thing with my best friend happened. It's been really weird for me ever since. I feel like I cannot be myself around her because then I will want to have sex with her, which I seriously don't think I do, but I feel like I've fought with the idea so much that I just want to give in.

Now I look at all girls with the worry of being attracted to them. I am at my first semester at college and have few friends who are girls. I am afraid to get too close to them because I might fall in love with them, which has never happened in the past. In the past in general, I never fantasized about girls the way I did with guys.

I met a guy at college this semester who I really like. I cannot stop thinking about him, and long to be by his side all of the time (that sounded so corny but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯). But, once again, the sexual thoughts frighten me and I'm convinced it's because I'm a homosexual. I feel like if I was not under OCD's spell I would be madly in love with him, so it's very frustrating.

I was diagnosed with OCD by my psychiatrist but never medicated for it. As a child I would never step on the crack in the sidewalk, I would count my steps to make sure they ended on an even number, etc. As a teen, I had intrusive thoughts nearly all of the time about sexual encounters with all of my immediate family basically. Now here I am with this.

The thought of being with a woman at this point does not...bother me? I don't know, but I don't think I desire it at all since I never fantasize about them and it just does not feel "me."

What do you guys think? HOCD or gay?

Thank you

Hi, light47!

You could be a lesbian, bisexual, etc, though if it's causing you this much trouble it's probably just HOCD.

I'm a bisexual female leaning girl and while I also grew up as an artsy tomboy, I can assure you that isn't necessarily linked to sexuality.

Frankly, I do think this is just HOCD. I don't know common "treatments" for HOCD specifically, but I would recommend a little soul-searching and POSSIBLY some experimentation if you're single and feel comfortable enough to do things like that. Sexuality can be a very fluid thing, nothing to be afraid of!

Good luck!

Okay to me this is a classic case of HOCD and i just wanted to let you know I disagree with the comment above mine. You need ERP. That's the therapy for all cases of OCD, regardless of the theme of your obsessions. It's important to be okay with the uncertainty that you could be gay or whatever, but figuring out your sexuality is not what you should be trying to do right now. I think experimenting and "soul searching" is honestly probably one of the worst things you could do right now; not because there's anything wrong with it, but because you're not going to be able to figure anything out with OCD in the way of your true judgement. OCD surrounding your sexuality is separate from actually figuring out your sexuality/ having a sexuality crisis. It's irrational obsession around your sexuality. If you were to experiment, you'd probably just dig yourself into a deeper hole of the OCD because that gives you more things to question, and experimentation can be considered a compulsion when you have HOCD because you're trying to prove to yourself what sexuality you truly are. ERP therapy, on the other hand, is what will truly help you. Because with OCD, as you've probably noticed, you can never settle on an answer and you're always frantically questioning every move you make in regards to attractions and sexuality. That's because you feel like you have to be 100% certain. Needing certainty is like the basis of OCD, no matter what the theme of your OCD may be, which is why ERP works for ALL themes of OCD. OCD is OCD, it does not matter what the contents of the thoughts are; it's the same behavioral pattern and thought process. It's the same disorder. So your ERP would focus on accepting the uncertainty of your sexuality, and getting out of the thought pattern that you're in right now. And especially with your history of OCD there's no doubt in my mind that ERP would work great for you. And ignore what the person above me said about "common treatments for HOCD" because the treatment for all themes of OCD is the same. ERP. Don't get it twisted, HOCD is not a proper diagnosis, but a theme of OCD. You have OCD with homosexual obsessions. Focus more on trying to heal your OCD rather than figure out your sexuality Best of luck to you, I know how painful and confusing this can be, I go through the same thing. You'll be okay!

While I agree that ERP is a good treatment for OCD, it isn't the only one nor is it always something people are ready for. ERP shouldn't be done if the patient isn't ready and should usually be monitored by a professional, just in case something were to happen.

ERP is the basis of OCD treatment, but there are other options. I wouldn't advise someone to "ignore" my suggestions because different things work for different people. ERP isn't something everyone is ready for and that's okay. Pushing people towards different things isn't a good way to help them, especially something as daunting as ERP.

If this person is gay, by some chance, pushing it back isn't going to do anything but hurt them, believe me. While I do think this is HOCD, sitting down and considering why they feel this way, what would happen if they were gay, what is causing this fear of being gay, would be beneficial to them. It's not going to hinder them to rationally think through their thoughts. It's essentially what you do in CBT.

CBT and general therapy may help them. Sexuality can be very fluid and they may also benefit from soul searching or experimentation if, like I said, they're comfortable with it. Everyone is different, especially in cases of OCD because symptoms and compulsions can vary widely and everyone has different pasts and backgrounds. ERP is beneficial, yes, you're not wrong, but it can be distressing if not under supervision in a safe environment and can make their anxiety worse if they're not careful.

HOCD is usually linked to identity issues. There's nothing wrong with them deciding to sort out their identity while treating their OCD. It was a recommendation, not something I was telling them they had to do. In the end, it's their decision. There's nothing wrong with giving them a few options rather than just one.

Cheers

Okay I respect your opinion but honestly have you ever dealt with HOCD? If not, you wouldn't know that basically our entire obsessions revolve around trying to figure out our sexuality. So telling someone to further do that is pretty much just going to make it worse. I'm all for figuring out who you are and I realize sexuality is fluid, but when someone's dealing with HOCD it's not the time to explore that. And I'm sorry you got the impression that I was trying to push this person into ERP, personally I think they should definitely see an OCD specialist and aim towards starting ERP eventually, but of course like you said when they are comfortable. But what I really want to emphasize is that the big problem with HOCD for most sufferers is that they feel the need to figure out their sexuality 100%, for sure. I would sit up at night for hours thinking over every interaction I've had with a boy or girl, trying to analyze what was really true. That's not normal exploration of your sexuality, thats OCD. And it seems to me that's what this person is experiencing. To me, no matter the theme - whether it's harm, contamination, or sexuality - OCD is OCD; and therefore trying to further prove your beliefs and get certainty is really not what you want to be doing or encouraging. Ruminating on thoughts and trying to figure out ones sexuality is a true compulsion for those who have OCD with themes of sexuality. It is confusing when it comes to HOCD because some people do just genuinely question their sexuality in life, but all the people on this forum who are constantly posting, begging for answers, are not going through that as you can probably tell! These thoughts are anxiety producing, and even if you "get used to them", they're still nonstop intrusive thoughts. it's not just natural questioning of your sexuality. In no way am I trying to stop someone from figuring out who they truly are, that's something I would never do. I'm just saying that HOCD is a separate thing from truly questioning your sexuality. Obviously you are questioning it but not in a way that would come naturally. If someone with OCD were to go through therapy, become comfortable with the uncertainty of their sexuality and be able to live a normal life again that isn't ridden with OCD everyday, and then they began to explore, that's great! But to me OCD is separate from that. You gotta deal with this disorder first, which is truly what it is, for you to be able to sort out the truth. OCD clouds the truth. I hope you can maybe understand what I'm saying as someone who deals with HOCD!

-- Mon Mar 27, 2017 9:07 pm --

Also not sure where you read HOCD is linked to identity issues, but to me that's kinda nonsense... OCD themes can revolve around anything, and they can get super specific too, so with sexuality being a core part of someone's basic identity it's pretty clear to me that that could definitely become a common obsession, and we see that demonstrated on this forum with all the people struggling! Would you say someone with harm OCD is having identity issues??? Like do they possibly want to hurt people?? No way! Because that's just not true. OCD definitely makes you question your identity but it doesn't really say anything about your true identity. I think it's imperative that for someone to get better they must accept the uncertainty of their identity but I don't think that having OCD says anything about someone as a person. HOCD should be treated the same as any other theme of OCD, because at the end of the day it's all OCD regardless of the theme of the obsessions. OCD manifests itself in many different ways so to me saying that someone's specific obsessions almost is indicative of who they are isn't really true

Moodyblued you apparently don't understand what ERP is.
Yes it might be terrifying, yes maybe someone is not ready to do it,
but its effects my friend is not pushing it down the opposite is true its facing your fears.
for example if someone is afraid of spiders you Expose them to their fobia-spiders
and prevent their response(compulsion which could be many things avoidance, suppression,undoing, rationalization etc.)
in order to trigger habituation process.
its actually beneficial for both hocd patients and gay people who are afraid of their sexuality.
how can you harm a gay person if you tell them to not run away from thoughts about being gay?
what differs in hocd patients and gay people is that for gay people reaction to same sex is pleasure, and to hocd patients its dread, anxiety etc.
Sometimes it even gets blurry between those two when hocd patient starts rethinking is it pleasurable to me or not?
anyways posting things like that will only feed into anxiety of hocd cases, making it even worse hocd isn't about running away it is basically thinking 24/7 am i gay or not, am i gay or not, am i gay or not?
wow i move like gay, my voice sounds gay, forcing yourself to not look at same sex then when you actually look you think omg look how i feel (anxiety spike) i must be gay, then rethinking it again and again and again in one hour you basically change 5 sexual orientations from omnisexal to asexual.
erp is used to basically change way you react to your anxiety to not fight your spikes but to resist your compulsions(things you do to reassure yourself you are straight).
ERP is part of CBT...
CT has proven very ineffective in pure-o ocd cases.
mindfulness is useful addition to erp.

I see what you mean and where you're coming from, but I do know what ERP is, I understand it very well and have been through it multiple times.

I stated in my first post that I didn't know any "treatments" that would be effective for HOCD specifically because a lot of HOCD cases are very different from each other. There are people who have had HOCD that were actually LGBT and the anxiety was an effect of their upbringing and general environment, I've known them and I just shared what worked for them in my initial response (clearing up their identity and coming to terms with it).

Nothing I posted here was intended to give *anyone* anxiety, just giving them options. They could try ERP, they could try experimentation, they could try anything else they choose to try and anything that sounds helpful to them. OCD is very special in the sense that different things work for different people. HOCD is especially special because different factors play into it.

Ultimately it's up to them, I was giving options that some people found beneficial for them in the past. Maybe my first post wasn't worded very well, which is my fault (stress + a lack of sleep does a lot to a person) but I hope this clears up my intentions a little bit.

And, I really want to put emphasis on the fact that not everything is going to work the same for people. Soul searching and trying to rationally and safely sort out your identity is relatively harmless, experimentation like a date with a woman just to try it is a little less so depending on how you feel, but of course I'm not going to recommend it if you're iffy or think it will make you anxious. If you don't think it will, go for it if you would like to. If you're not sure, don't.

Seeing a professional about this is the best bet and they can help you decide what is best for you.

Perhaps you did not mean to, but I am extremely triggered now.

I don't know what to believe.

I'm very sorry! That was of course not my intention. Are you able to seek professional help anytime soon? Are you able to make appointments with a therapist that can help you through this?

For now, all I can really say is try and distract yourself and go through some self help anxiety/mindfulness techniques until you can see someone. Unfortunately there's no "quick relief" for OCD/anxiety in general other than things like breathing and distractions.

Doubt and confusion is a normal part of OCD, it's okay to doubt things. Reassurance isn't something I'd really recommend or advise you to seek out since it does more harm than good, but I don't think it's too hindering to assure you this is just OCD Disregard my other posts, I wasn't entirely sure how you would react to them since certain people react to certain things differently. I apologize for any distress! Things are going to work out for you, anxiety is a really powerful and harmful thing but it's nothing you can't get through, I promise.