I'm done with this bullsh*t - Pocd or whatever

Look, I know what you're going through and how this feels, I have OCD too. But I'm telling you that your best bet isn't to beg people for reeassurance and continue to overanalyze all of this (even though I'm totally guilty of it as well.. all of us with OCD are!!). You can't really stop yourself from doing compulsions all on your own obviously, but what WILL help is therapy. I'm not sure if you are seeing an OCD specialist right now, but if not, please do. As much as I know it's hard to seperate the theme of your OCD from your main focus because, well, it's what you're thinking about 24/7, that's what you've got to do. You need to look at this as OCD, not "omg I could be a pedophile." Same with my HOCD, I've had to take a step back and look at my behavioral and thought patterns and realize that the issue here is OCD, not the possibility of being gay or my sexuality. And that's something that's really difficult to do. But posting on here saying "here's evidence of why I am/ why I'm not" is just obsessing that's not going to get you anywhere. Because when you feel relieved for a second and get a brief moment of clarity, what happens minutes later? Stress and anxiety all over again. OCD is taking over your life, and it took over mine too. I know everything is so blurry and scary and confusing now, and every way you turn there's something that triggers you or scares you and sets you into a panic. Me too. But therapy helps me understand why. I'm not telling you this for reassurance even though I know that's what you want, I'm telling you this so you can understand the real issue here and get help!! From your post and what you've said, I can tell you're showing clear signs of OCD. Overanalyzing everything, the lists, the panic, the need for reassurance; it's like I'm looking into a mirror, just a different theme. I know the anxiety seems unbearable at times but you've made it this far. You can do this. I know it's incredibly scary to go talk to someone about your deepest fears but it helps so much. An OCD specialist will know just how to deal with your problems. I promise you they will understand even if you feel like you're going insane. This is a mental disorder. Maybe spend a little more time researching OCD (although this can become a compulsion.. or did for me so be careful) and less researching "could i be a pedophile" because that'll just send you into a world of anxiety. I know you feel like you HAVE to know... me too!!! All OCD... it sucks but that's the basis of OCD; the need for certainty. But we never seem to be 100% certain or satisfied because of ocd. But you can learn to get past this if you get professional help. I believe in you

Hi

Thank you very much for the reply. Lately I dont feel so much anxiety and I never had a panic attack about this. But Im on meds maybe thats why? I dont know how it would be without meds. Because im kinda tired of this I'm like "I dont care Im a pedo." but I still do care obviously. And the fact that I dont have much sexual desire at all also doesnt help.. My penis also sometimes react to pedo things and there have been moments where I would feel real arousal,got precum and an erection.. While I normally dont have this.. And Ive not found ANYONE with pocd who experienced this..

Previous friday I told my therapist about this all and she doesnt think Im a pedo but I havent told her anything yet so maybe she will in the future

To be honest I feel like Im an exception and have both pocd and pedophillia.

First of all the lack of anxiety is probably due to your meds. Sometimes even with OCD you may go through an apathetic period like this because you're getting so used to having these obsessions but obviously you still have these obsessions and compulsions and you're showing clear OCD even though you aren't going through the extreme anxiety right now. And the whole arousal with pedo thoughts is a groinal response. Yes you're experiencing these arousal feelings but it's still a groinal response trust me. That's normal. People with HOCD myself included have experienced these feelings to things opposite of our true orientation does that mean we are truly gay? nope it means we have focused so much on our groinal area and the topic of sex in general that even though it's not something we truly desire, we will still have a response to it. Hate to bring this sad topic up, but even females who are sexually abused have shown to experience some type of physical arousal during the act, do you think they are enjoying it and want to be raped?!! Of course not, it's a nightmare... But it's your body's natural response. Don't look too deep into these responses because it's really just a conditioned response based on your obsessions, not indicitave of true desires. You probably should tell your therapist about these thoughts, because although it's uncomfortable she should really know everything so she can properly help you. She will most likely tell you what I'm telling you now. And I've had that thought too, what if I'm just a lesbian who happens to have HOCD... so many people feel that way. OCD feels very real, that's why it causes so much anxiety. You're in so deep you're beginning to believe these thoughts. Please try to focus more on the disorder you have and getting through ERP than trying to figure out if you are a pedo. You'll make a lot more progress with that mindset. As difficult as it is, you clearly know you have OCD so try to beat that and then you will be able to see things more clearly. that's what I try to do. Whenever I want to look something up like "signs you might be gay" or whatever, instead I look up articles about coping with OCD. This can become a compulsion so be very careful and talk to your therapist about that and see what she says because obviously I'm no specialist, but at least you won't be ridden with anxiety thinking you are something you are not. Best of wishes, please focus hard on therapy and you will feel results sooner or later!!!

purplestripes18 wrote:First of all the lack of anxiety is probably due to your meds. Sometimes even with OCD you may go through an apathetic period like this because you're getting so used to having these obsessions but obviously you still have these obsessions and compulsions and you're showing clear OCD even though you aren't going through the extreme anxiety right now. And the whole arousal with pedo thoughts is a groinal response. Yes you're experiencing these arousal feelings but it's still a groinal response trust me. That's normal. People with HOCD myself included have experienced these feelings to things opposite of our true orientation does that mean we are truly gay? nope it means we have focused so much on our groinal area and the topic of sex in general that even though it's not something we truly desire, we will still have a response to it. Hate to bring this sad topic up, but even females who are sexually abused have shown to experience some type of physical arousal during the act, do you think they are enjoying it and want to be raped?!! Of course not, it's a nightmare... But it's your body's natural response. Don't look too deep into these responses because it's really just a conditioned response based on your obsessions, not indicitave of true desires. You probably should tell your therapist about these thoughts, because although it's uncomfortable she should really know everything so she can properly help you. She will most likely tell you what I'm telling you now. And I've had that thought too, what if I'm just a lesbian who happens to have HOCD... so many people feel that way. OCD feels very real, that's why it causes so much anxiety. You're in so deep you're beginning to believe these thoughts. Please try to focus more on the disorder you have and getting through ERP than trying to figure out if you are a pedo. You'll make a lot more progress with that mindset. As difficult as it is, you clearly know you have OCD so try to beat that and then you will be able to see things more clearly. that's what I try to do. Whenever I want to look something up like "signs you might be gay" or whatever, instead I look up articles about coping with OCD. This can become a compulsion so be very careful and talk to your therapist about that and see what she says because obviously I'm no specialist, but at least you won't be ridden with anxiety thinking you are something you are not. Best of wishes, please focus hard on therapy and you will feel results sooner or later!!!

But if its a groinal response, wouldnt I also have it with normal sexual thoughts? Today I saw some kids playing soccer and thought pedo things and it felt like I liked it and when I checked my penis was a bit bigger and swollen then normal. Later I thought about adult things and felt also reaction in my penis but it wasnt as big as with the pedo thoughts..

I'm just thinking maybe I should accept Im a pedo and that Ill never have a partner..

Hi ConfusedAndAfraidGuy!

I'm sorry you're going through this, your situation is very unique, I can say that much!

I do think you may be overthinking this. First, try not to search for actual cp. Real cp is child abuse and I wouldn't go seeking it out.

Our brains are very powerful things. They can convince us of things that aren't necessarily true, it's common in anxiety disorders! I really personally don't think you're a pedophile. You're obviously not a danger to children, I think you're just scared. You haven't hurt anyone.

Your therapist told you (s)he didn't think you were a pedophile, I don't think you're a pedophile, many of us don't! You're going to be okay. I think there's a forum for non-offending pedophiles out there somewhere, maybe you'd benefit from asking some actual pedophiles about this? It may ease your mind!

Good luck hon, you'll be okay. I believe in you!

Please try to relax and distract yourself. You're a lot stronger than you think. Do not seek reassurance by contacting real pedophiles. If you' haven't, please contact your doctor so he can refer you to an OCD specialist.

@moodyblued: I wasnt planning on searching actual cp no. But its like it wont truly disgust me and that worries me. However thinking about how they force children into doing sexual acts makes me a bit angry.. But Ive read about pedos who themselves wanted to quit cp because they know its abusive so apparently that doesnt mean a thing. I even read pedos love children and dont want to hurt them.. However I dont really like children. Maybe little toddlers and babies are cute but normal children idk.. I would say they dont interest me but Im not sure. Like I said before I would rather be a childs friend or caretaker instead of something sexual but im not even sure.. The fact that Im somewhat confused reliefs me a bit cause theres a chance its my ocd then.. But like I also said before I havent read a single thread from someone with pocd who got these arousal feelings,precum, even erections to pedo stuff.. And havent you read i before this once looked up cp? I mean isnt that just proof Im a pedo? I have so much proof im a pedo maybe I should just accept it? But it seems so unfair and until I quitted my meds I dont think I ever worried about being a genuine pedo.. Though I got off to young old porn almost exclusively.. Whats confusing to me is that since my teens I have quite a low libido because of meds. I quitted my meds after years of taking them and bam I felt like I was a pedo. But I didnt got off to guys my age and I want to be in a relationship with one? Ugh its confusing..

@johnnygee: I'm actually very good at distracting myself and am able to function. (Maybe partly because of my meds) I dont think my therapist specializes in ocd but she knows what ocd is obviously. I hope she can help me. But am I ever going to have a normal libido again and get off to adults? Idk...

I'm just more then done with this.. Yesterday while laying in bed I was searching up shi t and came across the paraphillias forum of this site. I read about pedophiles saying their attraction is wrong and I read about a girl who is 20 year old and she described herself as a pedophile. She said she is attracted to pubescent boys (like 13 years and up) and I have a feeling I could also be attracted to pubescent boys? Oh and she also said she also has ocd.. Idk I just dont know what to do Did I really develop pedophillia from the trauma I had in my teens? When I was a teen I got off to adults just fine and now I cant anymore Yesterday I masturbated and I could get off to the fantasy of having sex with a black guy but when switching to thinking of a guy I like in real life, I couldnt get off :'( WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME IM SO SIXK OF THIS ALL ITS SO UNFAIR FOR FU CK SAKE!!!

Anxiety is a very powerful thing, a lot of the issues you're having with attraction and masturbation can be due to how anxious and stressed you are about this.

Also, I don't think trauma in your teens would make you a pedophile. Some pedophiles have childhood trauma, but they were younger than 13 in a lot of the cases. I don't really know how trauma is linked to pedophilia, so I don't have a lot of insight for this part!

I was sitting in bath and was sending a message to someone here. I asked why I did get the precum and erections to pedo stuff and when I thought of the pedo stuff my penis went a little erect Is this still pocd? Because I dont have real compulsions I think.

Also my libido is still very low and even when I'm feeling good, I'm not really able to get horny. And when I keep thinking about sex with children it feels like I maybe like it and while typing this I also feel something in my penis. If it was groinal response wouldnt I also having these while thinking about normal sexual thoughts?

Any comments would be appriciated..