I'm done with this bullsh*t - Pocd or whatever

Hi

I'm a 20 year old gay guy and I think or atleast hope I suffer from pocd. I am diagnosed with ocd since I was a teen.

Since april - may previous year I worry about being a pedo. But my case is different from other cases of pocd. I believe this all started after my meds that I took since I was a teen (SSRI medication) were lowered because I felt like having a low libido and I thought it was the meds doing this. So my meds were lowered and at that time I just quitted college and didn't have work. I dont know how it started but at some point I began worrying about being a pedo. My sex drive was and is still very low. I dont get horny at all. However there have been moments I did get aroused from viewing drawn cp! Someone on here mentioned that they used to get off on it and I didnt know what it was so I looked it up and it turned out to be basically drawn cp, children in sexual poses and stuff. And idk why but I felt a cold chill over my body and I start feeling very turned on while I normally couldnt get horny at all.. I had the urge to masturbate so I closed that cp thing and looked up (legal) old/young porn because thats what I usually got off to. There also had been an incident before this where I actually searched for cp.. I was searching old young porn and I saw this thumbnail that looked like cp and for some reason I wanted to watch it but the video was deleted so I stupidely searched up cp on google and obviously I didnt found any. I felt bad about this and I feel like its proof Im a pedo. Also there was this time that I was sitting on the couch and thinking about pocd stuff and I thought of naked child bodies and I felt something and I did go to the toilet and I had much precum and my penis was a bit hard.. I also see this as proof im a pedo because normally I dont have these things with normal stuff. What also scares me is that the younger the kid the less'attraction' I feel but children 10 or older sometimes trigger me. And it worries me that Im so specific because pedos also have age preferences.

Reasons why I could be a pedo:

- The above things
- I didnt really masturbate to my peers but more to old/young fantasies
- The times I had sex I couldnt ejaculate and I didnt feel much when receiving a bj.
- Homosexual pedophillia occurs around the age of 18-19 I read in a scientific article
- I only got sexually excited when seeing people with a big age gap having sex
- I once masturbated to the thoughts of my brothers friend. (16) and he is little and looks like a kid. And normally I had problems masturbating without porn.
- Ive read trauma can cause pedophilia aand I got a trauma from my first OCD experience, I fidnt have many friends , got bullied, was insecure,.. And Im worried this led me to being attracted to kids
- the pedo thoughts dont disgust me but I rather not have them though
- there are pedos who think their own attraction is wrong and dont harm children
- When this all began I went to an amusement paark and there were children getting undressed and I looked twice at it while feeling "attracted"?
- This is not textbook pocd
- It feels like im in denial and am unsure about my sexuality

Reasons why Im not a pedo:
- I have OCD and I feel bad about this and am not sure Im a pedo
- I only got romantic feelings towards my peers in the past
- I never I think masturbated to fantasies with prepubescent kids
- Mostly I dont feel attracted when seeing kids in real lifem (but I dont feel much attraction for adults)
- I rather be a childs friend or caretaker instead of a sexual relationship or whatever
- When I was a teen before the ocd I got off to normal gay porn, not to kids
- This all began when my meds were lowered

So no one?

No one answering so im probably a real pedo. Thanks for your support all. Really..

Sorry for getting no answers. There just might not be people with good advice on. I really can't give advice either, since my situation is as bad, but I can talk about some things.

I know you are gay, and I think I am too. Or it's the HOCD tricking me into it. Right now I just feel like I'm gay and guys excite me more than girls?!
I just watched a movie, and two guys suddenly started kissing and then there was a scene where they were giving each other hand jobs (didn't show any actual nsfw images, just moaning), and I got a boner.
I'm so scared right now, I am gay aren't I?
I bet you found out this way aswell. Girls used to excite me when I fantasized about them, now I feel like it turned around completely and girls no longer excite me at all, but guys do. I really don't want to be gay, but it's probably denial.
I know I will relate to your answer and I will be triggered even more, I just.. I'm gay There is no way OCD is doing this. It's over for me. I feel devastated, or happy but denying it..,..
OMG I REALLY AM GAY. WHYYYY.. I just know I am. My life is ruined.

Have you had ocd experiences in the past? And how old are you? You said you liked girls in the past and I never did like them sexually.. Or maybe I did a little bit when I was 12 but that quickly turned around. I did not have anxiety about it because it felt good. And to be honest I'm happy Im gay and I wouldnt want to be straight.

It feels like kids turn me on while I dont even like them in the first place. Maybe as a sort of friend or little brother kinda thing maybe but not sexually. But still I got precum and erections to pedo thoughts.. Its confusing..

Romantically I really like guys my age or older (or a bit younger) but its like I dont have the urge to have sex with them.. But I never get horny.. A while back I masturbated without porn and I couldnt get off and I thought about pedo things to check and I still couldnt get off.. Which is a good thing offcourse.

Before all this I got off to almost exclusively old/young teacher/student and incest themed kind of things and never really got horny from my peers but I have romantic feelings for them so I wanna be able to enjoy sex with them!! Like wtf is wrong with me.

My case is not textbook pocd and it shows both pocd and pedophillia symptoms so Im confused obviously..

Btw @hocdsufferer if you ever need to talk you can always send me a message.

Now that you mentioned you don't want to be straight, I thought about it and feel like I want to be gay. Oh god.

My case is also definitely not a textbook case and I really doubt it even is a OCD case. Right now I'm almost sure I'm gay, but I'm denying it.

Does anyone else have thoughts on this?

Please I need honest opinions..

Put it simply, you're not a pedo, man.

You're an innocent guy who's overthinking too much. The only way this will go away is ERP therapy. It will be scary. It will feel real. But in the end you'll be yourself again. Promise.

It's just that it feels fking real and I am so tired of this all I'm a 20 year old guy, I have other troubles too why can't my fking sexuality be normal??

And are you sure I'm not a pedo? Haven't you read I once actually searched for cp and that I got precum and erections to pedo stuff?? And I normally rarely get erections to things.. I'm confused ugh.

I don't really believe that trauma causes pedophilia. I'm not a scientist, but the pedophiles I've met may have had some sexual trauma growing up, but generally knew when they were around 11-12. I don't think anyone ever just develops pedophilia after their sexual orientation is already established.

You should try doing a volunteer outing like I have done or volunteer as a summer camp counselor staying in a cabin for a week with young boys, then you'll realize there is no sexual interest at all. Not to mention that you'll have the time of your life.

Part of what helped me with POCD is realizing those things when babysitting or caring for kids. I was babysitting a 10 year old boy that stripped naked a few times in front of me and it didn't cause arousal. If you're fearing arousal, you may question your feelings, but you'll know the difference. At summer camp, a few children sometimes are undressing near when when they aren't supposed to, and you'll see there is no real attraction. You aren't really supposed to be disgusted by it though, so that's not a sign of pedophilia. I work at daycare, change diapers, hold and carry little kids, and feel no arousal, but yet I've had POCD maybe even worse than what you're describing.

I think maybe it was worse for me is because I have to work with children in order to feel my life is fulfilling. If I can't work with children, I don't wanna live. This made it more difficult, because nobody would approve of a pedophile taking care of their kids, even if they had no interest in sex with them.

You can see on my thread that you responded do why I believed I was a pedophile, which is similar to you, but whatever you do just don't look up anything pornographic with children, as if you're caught nobody really will buy the story that you are just curious and trying to fix your problem. You're honestly not even doing yourself any favors by testing the waters to see if you find children attractive. If it's not obvious that you are a pedophile, you aren't. That means you're not in denial about it, if you were in denial you'd just be trying to find reasons to say you're pedophilia might really not be.

You are just coming off of some undesirable experiences and trauma in your life. Someone wouldn't become a pedophile after being 18.