I feel evil.

Hi everyone. I posted here not too long ago when my thoughts started flaring up again, but since then it feels like it's gotten worse. In my current dilemma, I feel like I'm evil and have been so worried about the idea of being a narcissist. My boyfriend brought it up to me a couple of days ago ("maybe you're a narcissist, that's what it sounds like to me") and I think that might have triggered me worse or I took it as a sign because I was already worried I was one to begin with.

I've spent a lot of time daily just reading articles online about narcissism and it's relationships to other disorders I've worried about (like autism, sociopathy, borderline PD, adhd, etc). And I get worried because I see myself in the "covert narcissism" parts. I really strongly dislike myself at my core and continually act like I am this outgoing confident person to my friends. But I feel really fake sometimes. A lot of my friendships are online, I don't socialize much irl. But now I've been preoccupied over analyzing my past (things I have done that were horrible and unkind, things I've thought/said or believed I felt, things others have said about me that align with my fear which must mean "omg it's true or its a sign".)

I feel evil and like I am this terrible person incapable of love or empathy. I've done a lot of bad $#%^ and a lot of times I can't really convey my points too well and it leads to misunderstandings. I read my old posts on my old accounts on social media to search for clues or answers to my worries and I realized like maybe yesterday that I was so mean to people. My boyfriend especially. He is a soft-hearted, wonderful man who has tried hard to give me the world and I feel like I am so ungrateful for it. Same with my parents... I don't want to be evil or manipulative or whatever.

I've lashed out and said cruel things, called names and made crude threats, done things out of spite or for a reaction, acted like a brat just to get attention, etc... and because of a thought I just had. I am worried my emotions are not "real" and I am just some phony incapable of love or real emotion.

Another thing that had me worried is the fact I am SO quick to be jealous or envious and treat someone differently as a result. When my friends would do things and not include me, I'd feel left out, jealous and angry and just want to lash out. Same with my parents and with my own boyfriend. My boyfriend just got a new computer and he's been spending a lot of time on it. He is really skilled at gaming and is really ambitious, something I try to follow him in. I get jealous because I threw my job away impulsively back in December and have been jobless/broke since, and the fact he seems to excel at things we do side by side. I've admitted to him at times that I don't want him to succeed at stuff like that.. and I think what the hell is wrong with me? I feel awful and cruel. It's like it burns me to see people I love and am so attached to doing things that makes them happy without me being involved. I feel worthless and get scared i am being forgotten, replaced or abandoned. Why I am feeling so self-centered.

With all of my "themes" I guess, my compulsions always stay mostly the same. With my lesbian obsession (i.e me ruminating over being gay/bi/some other sexuality) I do the exact same things. Internet searching and thought/feeling analyzing is a big thing. And now I'm like, "omg what if these aren't just obsessions and you're just having another identity crisis?"

Also, since these awful thoughts started back in 2013, I ALWAYS have the thoughts. Mean ones, "gay" ones (with the body reactions to go with them.. hell tbh sometimes I would still try to reassure myself with porn/sexual images of women to make sure I didn't like it. But this post isn't about that bs.), my mind going on loops. I'm almost always wrapped up in these thoughts even when I am not in one of these funks. It feels like I have these episodes at least once or twice a year where all I do is get absorbed in my worries and start to feel like I am worthless and the life just gets sucked out of me. It's a hell I hate to constantly be in. I'll ALWAYS be thinking and analyzing or rrassuring mysekf even if I'm not doing it to the degree I am now.

Also, another big thing that scared me recently was my smiling habit. I feel an urge to smile at the WORST times and I feel like I am just evil for it. Like someone crying, I will feel a twinge of a smile or an urge to laugh and I don't understand it. I feel even more evil. Someone on reddit said her narcissist dad did that to her and I was like "Oh great more evidence". An old psychologist of mine said it was probably a nervous smile. Which seems right enough... but God I keep feeling like I am evil and it sucks.

I don't know. I have cried about this already today and I feel so drained and dead emotionally atm. ("You always feel that way!" Screams the brain) I've read quite a few articles on a plethora of topics already today. I have so many other points I just feel an urge to list because I want to fully express my worries but assuming I have OCD for real, that's just feeding it worse...

I should mention. I was diagnosed with OCD last year in early March by my psychiatrist. She referred me to an OCD specialist and I took Luvox for awhile, but they both moved practices and at that point, I felt like I was so better off or maybe I was just being lazy like I am with everything... ("everything you deem unimportant! Because you're a narcissist!" Screams the brain..) I've also been diagnosed with Borderline PD by an old psychologist (others have said I possess the traits but were unsure about a diagnosis), and as a child a therapist (who could not officially diagnose me) said I possibly had mild aspergers. Just as helpful references...

Thank you so much for reading. I guess what I want to know is, is anyone here experiencing anything similar? Or relates in any way at all? It's a nightmare but atm I kind of just want that validation that this is not me and I'm not by myself in these sorts of thought patterns and feelings.

I know this is old and I pray this gets read. Please reply

I don't want to leave this unanswered but I don't wholly suffer similar things. I have been diagnosed with OCD and your initial post does smack (very hard) of obsessive thinking, which is why you were diagnosed, I reckon. And your behavior does seem to indicate the other diagnosis but the therapists have talked to you more about all of this.

You seemed to say you felt better not seeing the doctors or taking medication. Is that it? I didn't see a doc for years and it cost me. Getting some medication probably saved my life. I hope you might consider going back.

At any rate, that initial post bespeaks extreme suffering. I hope things get better for you.