OCD and fetish

Ok so this is my first post on this website and this is so wierd and distrubing but I can't talk to anyone about this so I need help. I was diagnosed with OCD a long time ago. I've always had really bad anxiety and most of it is centered around me being a horrible person. Anyone I started mastubating to these wierd stories about birth and stuff like that and this is so disturbing to me and I don't know what to do because its so wierd but I can't stop masturbating to this and I hate myself because of this. I know this is wierd but please answer because part of my OCD is constantly needing reassurance and theres no one I can talk to and get reassurance for this. Basically my anxiety is that this makes me a horrible person and that I will never be able to have a normal relationship.

Thanks for any help you provide!

As far as I know there are no stories that are illegal or will hurt anyone else simply because we read them to ourselves. So reading them doesn't make you horrible to others (I don't think you are horrible for reading something).

On the other hand, we can hurt ourselves with guilt when we are caught in something we desire but makes us feel bad about ourselves.

So you have OCD (diagnosed). It can certainly make this kind of thing worse. But let me ask you - have you ever had therapy for anything else, such as identity, self-esteem, depression. I'm not saying you have these things or need some support for it. I just sense that there are other things going on besides OCD symptoms.

Otter.

I haven't been diagnosed with anything else. This might come off as rude but I promise I'm just curious! What points you to another underlying problem?

No worries, not rude at all. Curiosity is a good thing. But thanks for the taking the time to make that distinction.

I said, “sense” which means I am not sure nor am I a professional, so I wanted to point that out.

That said, here is my response:

My sense of something underlying comes from the fetish and the self-loathing (feeling like a “horrible” person). The OCD can certainly be an extenuating issue coming from the intense anxiety, but that part - it seems to me - is expressed in the need to seek reassurance that you are not a horrible person.

The struggle that arises from the fetish seems independent of the OCD with regard to meaning and origin. Or put more succinctly the fetish/loathing issue is not caused by the OCD.

I have had a nearly similar experience. When I was younger I wrote and read erotica that had a taboo theme. I felt guilty about these desires and naturally, my OCD had a bit part in it, making me perform rituals to avert the intense anxiety I was having. But the taboo theme was linked to other events in my life, stuff that happened when I was a kid.

So the manifestation of the desire/fetish had its roots elsewhere.

If I had had therapy in those days, the therapist would have treated everything as separate issues, exposing the dynamic of each and how they worked together.

Hope this helps.

Otter.