HOCD is ruining my life

I have what I assume to be HOCD. I think I have it because i do crush on boys, have a desire to sleep with boys, and always have. The last 3 years I have been struggling with the awful HOCD. Sometimes it gets so bad that I don't want to leave my house or talk to my friends because I worry that I will fall in love with one of my female friends. I can't even hang out with my little sister sometimes because I fear that I'm sexually attracted to her. I have this one friend and she's kind,nice, and supporive. She is very pretty,but I don't have a crush on her. My flippin ocd keeps telling me I do though so whenever I see her I get this feeling that resembles butterflies, but is different in that it's not happiness, its dread. It sucks so much because I would love to be able to hang out with her, but I can't because I fear I have a crush on her. I feel like all of my attraction I have towards men has dissapered and it feels like all of those crushes I had on guys were just me pretending to like them to cover up the fact that I was secretly a lesbian. I just want to die. I honestly feel like it would be easier to just not be around anymore because all I do is bring my friends down with my negativity, but how am I supposed to be positive when I feel like this? I get gronial responses when I see boobs and stuff now and it makes me so scared. I'm demisexual (does not feel sexual attraction to a person unless has a deep emotional connection to them) so it makes it so hard to figure this all out becuase I've never looked at anyone and wanted to bang them . It's like I have to get to know them first. I wonder if I made all of this up in my head and wonder if my HOCD isn't real and is just me pretending to be straight to cover up the fact that I am a lesbian. I can't trust any of my thoughts now and it scares me. Any advice to make this better? I see a therepist who is nice, but does not understand what I am going through. She's more like "It doesn't matter what your sexual orientation is" but it does to me.

I know exactly what you're going through. I'm a 17 year old girl who has HOCD as well and it sucks. My attraction for guys has gone too, but I learned that that's a normal symptom. When your mind is convincing you that you aren't a attracted to them, it's not unusual to lose that attraction unfortunately. You are still straight, your OCD is just making your mind go crazy with overthinking right now. And I had those feelings of wanting to die too. I know you feel like you'll never feel like yourself again but I promise you will. You should see a different therapist. Honestly that makes all the difference. Your therapist is probably not very experienced in the field of OCD. I started out seeing a therapist who was not either, but then we realized my issues went beyond regular anxiety and were OCD thoughts. So he referred me to an OCD specialist. It's helped beyond measure. I still struggle with OCD obviously I'm not "cured" yet, but I am coping. Just to hear my feelings be validated and to be told that everything I'm feeling is totally an effect of the OCD is so relieving. We are starting ERP which is what will help me to get these thoughts to stop controlling me and eventually they'll hopefully go away. Please go see someone who specializes in OCD! They will understand and help you cope. There's hope for you! I know how you're feeling and I know that you will get better. I'm wishing you the best!!