Possibly OCD?

Hello, I'm new here Since I can't currently afford therapy, I'm on the research game in order to discover as much as I can about what is going on with me.

At first I thought I was on the PTSD spectrum but after more research I think I am in the OCD category with possibly *some* PTSD symptoms. So here's the thing..

When I was around 6-7 my grandma died after falling off her bed and hitting her head badly (she was already sick by then). I was at the house with her, listening to loud TV music. My mom and sister had to go take something from a neighbor so they left me for just a few minites locking the door and all. It was nothing to worry about and everything was fine until they came back, went to my grandma's room and saw what had happened..I hadn't heard a thing because I was listening to loud music..nobody blamed me of course but since that day (I'm 24 now), I keep blaming myself for her death. If I didn't have the music so loud I'd have heard her and I'd call for help immediately..Anyway. That was when the first self hate/suicidal thoughts started making their way into my brain.

Around that time, a bit later than that I think (memories aren't very clear), I had my first ''self pleasure'' experience, through a friend of mine who was 1 year older than me, also a girl. She showed me what she had ''discovered'' and since then it became a thing for me. I'd do it so often and sometimes my family would see me acting weird so I'd be embarassed and pretend that it was nothing. That's when I made sure to always do it in secret.

The thing though is not so much the action of it, but the nasty and vile thoughts that started intruding my mind from a point and on. Growing up and especially as I entered adolescence, the fantasies became more and more nasty and strange. I started feeling severe shame and self hate because of them, I felt like I was trash even though I didn't agree with those stuff and still don't. Always felt like there was someone else in my brain during it, dictating what I'd fantasize about.

To make a long story short, up until a couple years ago, I had intense suicidal thoughts along with my self disgust. In fact if it wasn't for my newfound faith, I'm pretty sure I'd still have suicidal thoughts.

I still have huge self hate feelings of course, although significantly less but it is something that can't just go away.

After every time I masturbate, I must always clean the clothes I wore during it, bath with violent intense scrubbing to wash off the filth and of course clean the sheets/blanket I layed on during it. If this routine does not occur, not only will I be terribly moody all day but I will even avoid human contact in case I ''spread'' my filth on others, especially my family.

I also have lots of intrusive thoughts several times a day, thoughts that are either scary or vile or just stupid.

I generally have a bad view about anything sexual, avoid human contact with people I don't feel 100% comfortable with, I have major trust issues and get disgusted with a lot of things, especially human body liquids and/or sickness.

Do you think that might be OCD?

It's always hard to say what is and isn't OCD without the intervention of a therapist. A lot of the behavior you describe sounds like it could be obsessive-compulsive, but there's a big wide world of neurosis out there and we don't have a monopoly on obsessive thoughts. So while I can't give your question a yes or no answer, I can say that if I were you I'd reframe it: Maybe ask instead if it would it be useful to you to treat your intrusive thoughts as if they were OCD?

What I'm saying is, do you think researching OCD and CBT might help you learn how quiet down your mind a bit? If so, then you might as well just provisionally assume that's what it is, and try the things that make OCD better. If they help, then you're probably on the right track.