HOCD, dont know what to do anymore, please someone help me:(

Hello, I am a 22 year old guy, please read my story, it will be a bit long but I need help and dont know what to think anymore . So all my life was around girls, I was attracted to them, fantasized about them and only fell in love for the member of the opposite sex. I know this is the typival story of a HOCD sufferer. I assume that I had OCD from a young age. Before this monster I was afraid of brain cancer at the age of 10 and every day seeked reassurance that I wont die from my mother, I did not give in a test just only after I checked every answer like 3-4 times, then I got to know about testicle cancer and almost every night I checked them with greaf fear that I have cancer. This went on for years. Then at the age of 18 I heard that a girl says that a guy is good looking and in my mind I agreed which freaked me out. I was so anxious, afraid and confused. I started to check out guys, trying to figure out if I am attracted to them or not. Then at 19 years of age, I had a girlfriend. I loved her more then anything, I enjoyed the sex with her, enjoyed her body and I was strong enough to fight this momster and somehow these homosexual thoughts, groinal responses and anxiety went away, I was abel to communicate with attractive members of the opposite sey without those disastrous fears. I was happy again. Unfortunately our relationship. Ended this summer and HOCD creeped back but its worse I think. I started to check out guys again, watched straight porn just to make sure I am still heterosexual, thinking about gay acts for arousal checking, Watched gay porn and images without erection. But for 2 weeks now my mind is keep on telling me that I love penises and I want to touch one, and sometimes they feel so real. I imagine that I give handjobs, trying to imagine how would a penis feel in my hands(its soo bad just writing it down) and I wont get an erection but my mind keeps telling me thats it is my desire. I am afraid of my own genital right now. Every time I touch it, I keep asking myself that do I love it? Do i love to touch it? Its even worse when its erect. Sorry for the details but I dont know what to do. I dont think I find it sexy, I never got turned on by it, i think. But I cant let these thoughts go, if my own penis spikes me every damn time. I read that constant porn usage can cause things like this. I have been watching porn for 10 years now and all of this started when I got bored maybe and noticed the guys penis.... I hope its still HOCD, I dont want to do anything with men, I never wanted this. But mind keeps telling me this and those feelings feeling real.....I dont know what to do guys. Maybe I should just come out as gay/bi and act on these fears. Iam so confused cant even sleep tonight. Please someone respond ((

You have what appears to be a history of anxiety and obsessive thought patterns, and you didn't come of age with an attraction for guys, so i think that you're not gay is a safe assumption, don't you? And you've been through this before.

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Yeah, but then I did not even know HOCD existed. I just tried to fight it. But after our break up, I think I got depression as well. And the mear thought that I can be attracted to a penis freaks me out to the bone, and gives me major spikes. I saw more naked man then women, because I did sports and never got turned on by them, I was uncomfortable because I thought my penis is little and I will be laughed at. I just want this to be over, but I am so tired of this and dont even have money to go to terapy, I am a student but, and I dont know that my universities councelor even know about HOCD. I live in eastern europe.

I know but its seems so much worse now or maybe I just forgot how bad it was 2-3 years ago. I just, sometimes these thoughts seems so real and they are killing me everyday. I am so tired, so tired of sexualizing everything every day for countless ours. Every time I see a dude my mind tells me these thoughts and other things, I just wnt these to stop. I always wanted a good job and a women by my side. I loved their personality and the shape of their body. But now every damn day I have penises in my head. I try this noFap thing maybe it will help. I am thinking about visiting my Universities councelor, but If she does not know OCD/HOCD, she most likely will try to tell me that I am bisexual, which will freak me out for days.... I just want to be the old me. Worrying about cancer was way more easier then this

Well, yes, I think I would see if they are knowledgeable about OCD, first, if you talk to someone at Uni.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have Gay friends, and I'm bisexual- but given the way most campuses are, I would look askance at any college counselor that tried to get you to embrace being Gay- I'd suspect them of trying to prove how 'tolerant' they are, or having a political agenda. None of which help you. I don't think you, or more than a small fraction of people that come into the OCD forum with HOCD fears, are really gay.

Being Bi, I'm more cognizant that most, that sexuality is a spectrum, and I don't think many people are 100% gay or straight. I think most people are MOSTLY gay or straight. And never think about it. The occasional same-sex idea gets shrugged off, or ignored, probably (being Bi and OCD, I wouldn't know how Nons really think, but that's how I imagine it based on what I've read about Harm OCD and nons- I still find it hard to believe Nons can get an urge to push their s/o over a railing, and don't worry at all about it, but that's what the experts say....)

Anyway, since I firmly think it's a spectrum, and that many, if not most, people are MOSTLY, but not completely, one or the other, that's a wonderful breeding ground for the OCD mind to grow a bumper crop of fear. One thing everyone here seems to want, is 1,000,000,000,000,001%assurance, that they're not Gay. Well, you can't have it- because we're analogue creatures in a fuzzy sexual universe. I see it more than others, maybe, because I happen to be closer to the middle between the two. I don't know. But OCD loves binary thinking- I don't have something that can be cured, it's all CANCER. Even when people with OCD talk about the possibility they're Bi, it emotionally feels as if their mind is really saying, Gay Gay Gay, it's all Gay I'm Gay. Binary. Black/White, no grey. Life is grey, and I think a lot of OCD really, really hates that- we hate ambiguity. Is that heater off? I have to FEEL it's off, with every fibre of my being! It's like I have to crawl into it and have some certainty that I can't have because I'm not One with The Universe, or something.

anyway... yeah that's my thoughts on why it would come back with a vengeance. It seems common that peoples' HOCD returns stronger than before- or feels that way to them, at least. Still doesn't not make it OCD....

(something I forgot to say- is that for Nons, I imagine it as being that being 99% Straight or whatever, is good enough. But is it, really, when one is OCD....?.... no ofc not. 90, 95, 99% straight is good enough for all practical purposes, but OCD don't want that. OCD is not a practical disorder, at all. That's one of the hallmarks, right?? that we (usually) inherently know we're being simply irrational, but we're powerless to stop our irrationality. OCD wants the universe to explode in a shower of lights that resolve into the letters, 'YOU'RE STRAIGHT!!'. And then you get a stray silly thought about penises, and you get freaked out. Or think you can't appreciate a guy's looks without thinking it means something- when it just means you admire his looks....)

Yeah, Sometimes I have better days, when my attracrion for women comes back and it feels so good and feels like me, but only last for a short period of time, because these unwanted thoughts just wearing me off. There were days when I just did not give a crap about them, but they were there. And once I "solve" a thought in my head another comes to its place and I am starting to obsses about it..... I reall wish my brain would be a normal one, but thanks for your support, today I am feeling a bit better. But sooner or later I got to go to a terapy, because I cant really fights this alone. I will try ro stay away from porn and try to accept my thoughts, I read somewhere that these things can help