pedo ocd is super annoying

ok im 34 years old and im so tired of ocd...ill start at the begining. when i was 18 it began with sexual fears of stds and cancer. dont know how many times i got check for HIV after haveing sex with one girl...it got in my head that it doesn't show up for x amount of time so i just kept going back to get rechecked...after that dimmed down my brain wanted something else and i had a jogging class in collage and i saw a guy in good shape take his shirt off and bam HOCD sunk its teeth into me...im 100 percent straight so forcing myself to make sure i wasnt gay by imagining gay things to gross myself out was my compulsion...this had ahold of my brain until i was 25 or so and i finally told myself and my girlfriend at the time i was gay...she was cool about it and we went separate ways...so i had to test the waters and rented a gay porn....immediately realizing i wasnt gay...i guess i exposure theropyied myself and finally it let go...but ocd needs to thrive so my brain was on idle for some time after that...until it grabbed its next theme...i was watching the news and Michael Jackson was in trouble for touching kids and it was all over the news...they even showed some photography book pedos tend to have of kids in like seductive poses and $#%^...my brain simply said if hes a pedo...could i be one? boom 9 months of constant checking and depression...i have never felt so low down and terrible in my life when i fought that first bought with this new theme of the disease...and i finally checked myself into counciling and got a shrink as well...they diagnosed me with ocd...but ocd is annoying and the "what if's" were to overwhelming and i could not excape these thoughts...they started with little girls all my checking was of that nature...THEN my dumb ass went to the library to read about pedos in some book of interviews with real pedos and facts about it...my anxiety was at an all time high...i couldn't flippin breath as i read through it...somewhere in there it said most true pedos are attracted to young boys....###$ my life wam bam now ii got intrusive thoughts about that and my brain completely let go of the little girl thing...i assure you i am 100 persent straight and attracted to mature women...i eventually got sick of the circles my annoying brain was puting me through...my compulsion was to check every time i saw a cute kid...most kids are cute everyone thinks that way but my brain always took it to far and it made me sick...completely shut my sex drive down...so my answer was drugs...i started using cocain because it brought out my sexual appetite ten fold...then it eventually transitioned into meth and that brings out whatever your into sexually...if your gay...youll be gay....if your a pedo youll be a pedo...in my case i loved mature older women porn...it supressed my ocd...but nearly killed me and almost completely ruined my life...not smart...being a interviniouse drug user was worse than any ocd depression ive ever had...dumbest way to solve my problems ever...never take that rought i assure you its not worth it...one day i just quit and decided its time to face my demons head on. so after 5 years of being cracked out i checked into counciling again and started my medication anafranil and lomotragine....they are very effective so far....but sometimes my ocd comes back for a day or two...usually no longer than a week...every time feels just as scary as the first time...im 34 now and im good at using tricks to releave the symptoms...and i been going through this theme for like 9 years so i dont really get depressed anymore...but its still so annoying to live with this...definitely gets easier as you get older...i been in counciling and had a psychiatrist for 2 years now. im married to a smoking hot wife and i have 4 kids i love more than anything in the world...they are the best part about my life...one of my easier tricks to shut my brain up is to just think about how i would lose them if i ever actually did some very unlikely weirdo $#%^...IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN...theres just no way...im in control of me not my ocd...i honestly dont know why im telling my story to ya all...maybe i needed to explain my messed up journey to help someone just starting this terror train...or maybe i just wanted to tell my story anonymously...who the F knows...all i know is i dought it ever goes completely away...theres nothing worse to upgrade the theme to...pedo is the worst possible thing to be...i tryed some exposure therapy and i dont like it because my obsession is mentall exposure therapy. accepting it is really all i got...sometimes when its really beating me down...i say " F it im a f-ing pedo dude"...time to go do some pedo $#%^...then im like" what do pedos do?" them im like Uhhhh i dont know...and my brain swtches gears and says....nooooo i dont really want to that sounds really creepy and exhausting...in the end kids are cute...everyone notices this...ocders just get a jolt of fear with the thought...iv never been aroused or ever done anything remotely weird...if a situation were to come up id run so fast in the other direction towards my councilor that i dont need to worry...buuuut ill f-ing worry anyway because ocd just never gives up...last thing i want to add in before i end this nonsense is sexual attraction to women dies down during a spike and not to worry...it comes back when your cycle ends...nobody can have sex let alone get an erection while your forcing yourself to think about sick $#%^ at an attempt to elliviat your fear and anxiety. dont let that $#%^ confuse you...good luck my fello ocders...life is hard...just find someone to talk to it helps...

Can you edit that so there are paragraphs?

Paraphilia main topics are not allowed, see the rules. Thanks.

Orwell...i dont know how to edit yet it was my first post...that being said it has been reviewed before it can be posted so should be fine...its not about a paraphillia...its about pocd with a pedophile theme...and if you had read it you would understand that...as far as paragraphs...i apologize i didnt know the grammer police were patroling at this time. maybe you can cut me some slack...your awsome thanks for the heads up

Orwell1984 wrote:Can you edit that so there are paragraphs?

ocdishorrible wrote:i dont know how to edit yet it was my first post

Editing's not allowed, after a very short window of time. Same with deletion. If I recall, those icons quickly disappear after you've made a post.

Orwell1984 wrote:Paraphilia main topics are not allowed, see the rules. Thanks.

A para's not the main topic, here... Pedophilia OCD is one of the most common forms of anxiety expressed in this forum. There's a lot of folks that suffer from that fear, and it's a valid topic. Please don't be telling people it's not allowed.

ocdishorrible wrote:...as far as paragraphs...i apologize i didnt know the grammer police were patroling at this time

No, but there are readability guidelines in the forum rules. As far as posts with run-on sentences, as I said, editing's not allowed after a short time, I approved this thread, but I'm not the grammar police to be reformatting it.

These things tend to be self-policing- if a post is too hard to read, people tend to skip it over and not bother with the thread (same happens with a very long post).

In any case, sometimes I see people make a first post in OCD in a panic, and it shows. Seems as if they often calm down after a couple of posts and the running-on clears itself up, I've never really had to get onto anyone about lack of paragraphs, and I'm not going to pester a first-time poster over it.

Dear ocdishorrible:

Thank you for your share- it was a delight to read! A post about HOCD and POCD that is a delight to read? Yes, a surprise to me. It is written so well, spontaneous, humorous.

It is kind of you to share in hope it will help someone! And I hope it does. (I have OCD but not these two).

atina

sorry for the run on sentence snaga!!! you are exactly right i was basically spilling my guts. i appreciate you giving my post a chance...

Dear atina:

Thanks for the feed back...i been wanting to post on here for some time but i kept backing out. Any way warm remarks like that really made me feel better about writing it.

You are welcome, ocdishorrible. Hope to read from you again as you have a lot to share and in a way that is honest, direct and spontaneous and therefore, trustworthy.
atina