ROCD During a Long Distance Relationship

Thanks to my OCD, for years as a child I thought I was dying of cancer. I wasn't. For years as a teenager I thought I was a gay, I wasn't. For a year in college I thought I was transgender. I wasn't. And now I'm in my first relationship since a long time... and I doubt that I actually love her. I wish I knew if I do.

I've posted on this forum before about my TOCD, once about my ROCD, and I am doing it once again. Through an online dating app I have met the most beautiful girl that's ever taken an interest in me. I haven't met her in person before but we talk to each other as much as possible over messaging. I love talking to her as she does with me, but every time she tells me she loves me I get so much anxiety about whether I love her back. About a month ago I broke up with her because I told her about my doubts of actually loving her. I broke up with her over Skype and as I saw her cry I really wanted to hug and kiss her. The next day I told her I was convinced I do actually love her and I would want to restart our relationship, and she wanted to as well. However weeks since I'm beginning to feel doubts again.

My biggest gripe for telling her I wasn't sure I loved her the first time was about the fact that I felt no butterflies in my stomach, which is a common and definite sign that you're in love. However, after we broke up and got back together she told me that she didn't feel butterflies in her stomach either because over online its not usual to feel them. Instead of feeling butterflies for me though she said she at least felt something for me, and I thought I felt something for her too. Well weeks later now I'm wondering whether I feel anything for her.

After we broke up I swore I felt at least something for her. When we Skype I can't stop looking at her and she makes me smile. And whenever she's busy I genuinely miss her. The problem however is that I can't imagine us hugging or kissing. (Or at least I don't think I do?) Sometimes she tells me how bad she wants to kiss and hug and I get anxiety every time she tells me this because I don't really think I want to. When we Skype I think I kind of want to hug her (and when we broke up on Skype and I saw her crying I really wanted to hug her) but other then that I think I feel nothing when she tells me that.

She also has anxiety and depression so the last time we broke up she cut her arms so much they looked almost mutilated. I felt like the biggest piece of $#%^ in the world after seeing her cuts. I genuinely believe ROCD is the worst kind of OCD because not only are you suffering but you're making another person suffer in such a way that I believe can only be described as 'emotionally raping.' The pain I inflict on my girlfriend every time I tell her I doubt I love her is agonizing and seeing her suffer makes me cry every time. I constantly compare past relationships to the one I'm in right now to see if I really do love her and nothing comes up conclusive. I just want to know whether I really love her or not. Is it natural to not want to hug/kiss in a long distance relationship with someone you haven't met in real life yet? And if it isn't natural, then what am I supposed to feel for her then? Please help

Ignore everything above, I think I just reached a resolution. I was browsing through ROCD psychology help sites and I found a maxim (of which I will quote because I don't want to be accused of plagiarism): "If you truly do not love your girlfriend anymore you would not be feeling anxiety when these thoughts pop up. OCD causes us to think the opposite of what we really are. so if you were out of love with your gf and having that question on if you loved her you would not have experienced the anxiety that you are experiencing." (MDJunction)

So therefore, if I am worried that I don't love her... that means I actually do love her. However there could be other reasons that I have anxiety, such as: the fact that she self-harms so I'm afraid to break up and see her self-harm, or the fact that she's a different religion from me (I'm Christian and she's irreligious but willing to become Christian) gives me anxiety. But tbh I've already forgotten about those 2 facts I mentioned and they hardly give me anxiety anymore. When we Skype I swear I feel at least something, and she's a solid 10/10 redhead too (not even kidding I show her selfies to all of my friends and they all agree she's a 10/10). I'm a 6 to 7/10 ex-nerd guy so getting a girl that beautiful is probably another reason I can't believe I'm in a relationship with her. But that's not even the best part her slightly tomboyish but still overall girly personality makes her really attractive to me. And over the summer I had a crush on an ex-goth girl but she wasn't too into me so I stopped trying with her, but the slight goth aesthetic my current gf has I find really attractive as well. Basically what I'm saying is that she's the perfect girl for me and it'd crush me for weeks if I find out I don't actually love her.