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Please help. I don't know if I'm a pedophile.

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Please help. I don't know if I'm a pedophile.

Postby crazydoodle » Tue Oct 25, 2016 12:53 am

So I'm 17 now, and I've been having problems with my sexual orientation. I don't know if I'm a pedophile. There's this certain anime character that looks age 11-12. When I was 14 I used to fap to it. However, just today I was looking at this character and suggesting myself a lot. I suggested myself that I felt a lot of pressure in my penis and needed to fap. I felt a huge urge to fap and to release all the tension for some reason and my mind was like "you really do like this, fap now, it's gonna feel good, it really won't matter if you fap (it doesn't mean you're a pedo)" It's strange cause that's what a true pedophile would think? I guess I am a pedo then :( I really don't wanna be one I wanna be normal. Although OCD can change thoughts and things like that. It's also curious how after fapping I ALWAYS feel guilty and when I'm not suggesting myself, I don't feel attracted to the character at all. It all goes away entirely. I ask myself whether I am attracted to the character almost every 2-3 days and it causes me anxiety. I finally gave in and I started fapping thinking about the character for a bit but then I switched to something normal, like a regular girl my age. I would've felt bad if I had came to that character. The times I've actually came to the character it feels really weird; even the when I was 14 it didn't feel okay even though I really had an attraction back then. It felt like fapping to something you really don't like, like it doesn't feel 'correct', you know? I had so much tension built up that I lasted for about 15 seconds. It was a lot of pressure accumulated. I am really worried about being a pedophile; I don't want to be one. I am not attracted to any girl that's around that age, for some reason it only happens to me with this specific female character. I like girls my age and older, I think that if it weren't for that character I wouldn't be having this OCD episode. I've dealt with HOCD, POCD, OCD, TOCD, Schizophrenia OCD, etc. for a good while now. I'm so sick of OCD, I just wanna know who I am. Like at this point I wouldn't mind that much being a pedophile or being gay or anything like that. My OCD has been doing better as of lately though, so that might be why. I really wanna know what's going with me. I also feel like I can only feel attracted to that character if I constantly suggest myself for like a good couple of weeks. I normally don't feel attracted to the character; just when the suggestion is too much for me. I don't feel attracted this character's boobs or ass or whatever. It's like she's good looking for being a young girl and that's what my mind uses to make me doubt my sexuality. I feel like deep inside of me my mind tries to change these facial features and try to convince my mind that they're from an older woman's in order to make me feel attracted to them (is that how OCD works in every case?) It causes me a lot of distress and anxiety the possibility of becoming a pedophile or the attraction never truly going away. Like, I can imagine right now myself being 40 and still being attracted to the character and my mind goes "That doesn't feel right". I really am worried that this attraction has gone for this long... My mind tells me that I must be a pedo since it's been so long... and hell, I'm 17 years old, it's definitely not that normal :(

It causes me a lot of frustration.. I've already gone through these brief moments of fapping to the character. I've tried telling myself that I don't care about fapping to the character, that it's all just OCD, but I won't stop feeling attracted and it causes me anxiety. Maybe relying on telling myself that has made it stop working. When I was anxious about becoming gay I never fapped to men; not even a single time. I got hard if the pressure was too much, but I never felt the urge to fap. Also IMPORTANT thing to note: when I was feeling the urge my mind was like "try fapping to a man or to a male character" and it also gave me pleasure even though I didn't really like it. I think that even though that was wrong (cause you don't have to give in to your compulsions) it proved that I'm not a pedo. My OCD tries to tell me that I really have an attraction to men as well, but I just don't believe it honestly... I'm too experienced in homosexual OCD to know what true attraction is. I feel like I need a psychologist that gets all of my mental confusion out of my mind so it nevers come back.


I feel like I'm a monster... I don't wanna be a pedophile someone please help me. I've also have something else to say though. I think that people with OCD truly know that deep down they're not gay or they're not pedos or whatever. I think that if you truly search your feelings, you can know the answer to these kinds of questions. I'll list below what my 'true self' says about this:

-The attraction was caused by my mind, it was not caused due to true attraction. Sexuality is supposed to be a sort of a mechanism; it's not caused by suggestion.

-I DO think the character is pretty and good looking, however I don't like the idea of doing it with the character.

-Whether I am or not a pedophile, I don't wanna be one.
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Re: Please help. I don't know if I'm a pedophile.

Postby CynicalHats » Tue Oct 25, 2016 1:44 am

Okay I'm going through something very similar. I've been suffering from POCD for almost 6 months now, and as time goes on and the anxiety gets worse, I keep convincing myself that I'm only attracted to kids 10-12 years old.

Attraction to guys my age has gone wayyy done and almost disappeared. A guy I could've found attractive and had masturbated to thoughts of just a month ago, I may no longer find attractive. I think I've just convinced myself that I'm attracted to kids, because until I started to actually worry about it, I felt no attraction at all...
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