Tocd or trans? (Trigger warning)

I dont know where to beging. But lets start by saying i had hocd for months now and i finally got rid of it by switching to tocd (if i have it). The way it happen was that i couldnt understand why i thought i was gay and one thought popped into my head . Maybe because i am emotional and feel weird about my self. The worst part ia since i can remeber like since high school i cant stand looking at my self in the mirror like i hate my face i always thought it was because i felt ugly and sometimes i felt handsome. But for this whole year now ive gotten chunky and a little bit fat . It really made my self esteem go down but i never had any problems being a guy i always liked being a guy i even remeber saying a s a kid in my head i loved being a boy. Growing up i had a few friends especially through middle school and high school but i made friends until like 11 grade; they were only male some women. Anyways i always had low self esteem and thought of my self as ugly . But i also obsess about everything a few years back i remeber fearing i had hiv because i slept with a friend and she didnt tell me her sexual past but she took a test and i was still doubtful. Before i slept with her i had two other tests i tool because i was scared i had hiv and i wasnt convinced. But i digress , the point is i obess about everything and i never really thought about it but i feel i have a woman's brain in the sense i think like one and that made me anxious and i almost cried. This happen last week when i was still fighting hocd . I feel that it is real for a number of reason: i read qn article (i read almost allday to be honest any chance i get) that sound similar to me and that you could have gender dysmophic identy but not know it i spiked nasty really bad. I really felt and still feel i am in denial , i cant look at my self in the mirror everytime inpass by my reflection i feel ugly as hell and fat, i cant imagine my self with woman anymore for an illogical reason idk why, i feel i have feminime feature like my voice which i hate and the bigestbone is that it is deep gut feeling that i am i wouldnt have started guessing my gender if i was cis gender and i always felt different and many trangendered always say that . The only reason i still have hope is i like to be a man , i know you dont need gid to be trans but i love my body as a man if anything i always was sad about not having a huge p***s . Also just me thinking i had a thinking pattern of a woman made me really sad and anxious . The problem is i dont know if i am trans or is it trans ocd i feel like nobody i mean nobody has gone through my reasons. And to make matters worse tocd is not even reconizes by anyone hocd is but not tocd. When i thought about it at first i was like no i know i like my gender but. Now i look in the mirror and i see my self with lips stick and looking feminite and things of the sort . My mind keeps telling me to stop being indenial but idk if ocd can make it feel real but even if it does why do i have this gut feeling more so than i ahd with hocd ...what if thats why i couldnt shake off hocd because i was a trans . But i never hate being called him , he or any type of words like those.but now i feel like i would rather be called by her she and son on . It scares me because this feels more real than hocd and hocd barely hits me now. I really dont want to be trans man i want to be me a male yes i had insecureties but i loved being a man .my head tells me im just in denial. Im so scared i want to go back before i thought of hocd or tocd.

I go.through the same thing , are you ok now?

calm down mate, i've been in the exact same situation as you, and i've gotten way better, i still have TOCD and it's still a bitch, but you're anxiety will slowly decrease and you'll start to feel more normal
do not research anything in trans forums or try to convince yourself of anything, let the thoughts flow and don't judge them, do not repress them, that will only make the fear stronger. best of lucks
oh, this was old as ###$...

Man, it has been more than a year since it hit me and the tocd has died down but the hocd does not go away.. i just remebered i used to pleasure my self while looking at my self in the mirror but i didnt like seeing my face that must mean i am . I am going crazy i just hope i am not that.i feel like if i did that thing with the mirror i would enjoy it but i miss lusting for women i couldnt get enough of them but idk if after 10 years of porn and masterbation and my obessive nature it has affected my libbido towards women i used to be able to look at a woman an get turned on but now i cant maybe i should stop with the porn help me anyone

NoFap may help you out, I'm doing just that

Thanks man i really appriciate it... do you think that the tocd will also reduce if i do nofap im scared of trying nofap what if i ma both of what the hocd and tocd say im scared