Pure O/ Harm OCD- new to this forum

Hello PF, I'm new to this site and after reading a few post I can see this is a helpful, trustworthy place where I can share my experience. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with pure o OCD, I was prescribed Zoloft and I've gone up to 10mg once daily. I started the medicinal treatment febraury of last year and my last pill taken was June 22 of this year. Although the pill helped me, I felt like after a few weeks my body adjusted to the Mg so I decided to stop because I didn't want to depend on the pills but rather deal with the situation myself. Thus bringing me here, it's been 3 months without the pills and my intrusive thoughts have returned which then leads to anxiety and mental panicking. I don't feel comfortable going into details with my thoughts but it does include mentally sayin in my head "i hope ..... Dies" and sometimes it'd be about my own family, or if I'm playin lottery or anything related to money, I'll find myself panicking just to not say "I'll sacrifice my family members or my toddler nephews if I win". That's been the most difficult, horrible feeling, I would never ever ever ever hurt, or intentionally want to sacrifice my family to any gods or devil, I was raised by Catholic parents and I loved them so so much. When these thought happen I begin to sweat and panic and get anxiety. I immediately turn to praying repitedly until I feel it was done right. If I don't pray I begin to think of something happens to my family members or my fiancé it's because of my thoughts because I hoped it because I gave them up for my greed and my heart beats fast, my breathe becomes shorten, my palms and forehead sweats and I feel shame, guilt, suffocation, awful and hate myself and begin to question what the hell is wrong with me.

Besides the thoughts I've also always had this phobia with germs where I need to carry hand sanitizer cause anything I touch has some kinda germ whether it's cold virus- HIV virus even when no blood is present, i will walk around with close fist to avoid touching stuff and refuse to touch elevator buttons or any kind of buttons unless it's with my knuckle and not my bare finger tips. If I come in to contact with anything I will wash my hand 1-3 times until I feel I got everything out. In a day I can say I'll sanitize/wash my hands about 15-20 times. It stopped while I was on Zoloft but definitely seems to be returning all over again.

Well I'm paranoid about going to the doctor about mine, but if I already had a Dx and an Rx for something that was working, assuming there weren't disturbing side effects.... I'd take the pills. Just my opinion.

I get harm OCD, and usually deal with it okay. It can be very distressing, thinking of harm. But you're not those thoughts, you know you're not going to do them. For the most part I can make myself not worry about having thoughts like that-I'll tell myself I'll worry about it, when I do it. I've had intrusive harm thoughts for 40 years and counting, and haven't acted on a one of them yet. Thoughts aren't going to make you do something you don't want to do.

I would never act upon my thoughts, I love my family and my fiancé too much. My fiancé knows about my situation, she's the one that understands me and helps me when I have these panic attacks. She always convinces me that I'm no god, that if something was to ever happen to my family it wasn't because of my thoughts but rather because God decided this. She's been so great with helping me that she even helped me do research on books just to get a better understanding on this and to help cope with my situation.

I'm a huge believer in karma and I just really pray and hope that things don't really happen because I hoped in my intrusive thoughts.