HOCD OR GAY? PLEASE HELP!

PLEASE READ MY STORY! PLEASE I NEED HELP! I really can't do this anymore... Seriously I'm getting thoughts of suicide. This is my 2nd post on here, my first one didn't get any replys. My name is Josh, *mod edit*. I'm pretty grown, deep voice, facial hair, already taller than my dad as I'm 6'3 but I'm surely still growing. I'm a heavy porn user, I guarantee I have OCD, and I used to be a great person, now I'm a sad, depressed person, I used to think people who commit suicide were idiots cause life is awesome and I loved life, but now I know what its like to want to end your life.

My hocd related issues can date back to 4 years ago, over this time I would get random thoughts when talking to a guy like "do you want to kiss him or do you think he's hot?" And I would quickly think wtf did I just think ew. This happened very rarely, and it didn't mean much cause they always disgusted me. Almost a year ago, I went through what I'm going through now, but only suffered for a week and I thought I was gay cause I liked gay porn. Idk how but I overcame it. and then I thought I was gay again, but this time it only lasted about 40 minutes, it was back in may, we were watching a movie starring leanardo DiCaprio, and got this thought in my head that said damn Leo is very good looking, he must get a lot of girls, and I started to question myself... I got over it cause when that class ends, my next class had the girl I was crushing on in it, so I quickly forgot about the thoughts around this girl.

Then in July, I got hocd again, I can't even remember what started or triggered it, but it just started. It flooded my mind and consumed every thought of my day. Its been ruining my life. I remember when it started I would get constant thoughts of "do you think he's attractive" and "do you want to kiss him?" I always used to tell myself no. I would watch gay porn and straight porn to see which one would get me erect, also imagined sex with guys vs girls to see which would make me erect. I have taken multiple gay tests online to see what my results would be, and even if they said straight, the thoughts would continue. I told many close friends about my problem and they all think I am over thinking it like I always do with everything. One of my best friends, in I think august I would call him up everyday to ask him repetitive questions like "If I did this, does that make me gay, is this gay, is that gay, do you do this, do you feel this, is it gay if I like that color or song?" Questions like that, and he eventually got mad cause I started asking him really stupid questions that I thought made me gay and I would obsess over that were clearly had nothing to do with homosexuality. Every time I prove a obsessive thought that would make me feel gay wrong, my mind will always find something new to make me feel gay. Sometimes I would be so convinced I'm gay I would get such a strong anxiety spike where all I couldnt even move a muscle, only thing I could do is cry. I didn't discover HOCD till about a month ago, and even though I was relieved for a day or two, the thoughts came back, stronger than ever. People say that gay people in denial know deep down that they are gay, and I fear that is how I am. I get this thought often that says "What if I don't really have hocd and im actually gay" I get a anxiety spike immediately. There have been times where I am like just accept yourself, your gay. But it doesn't feel right! I feel the only way to be happy again is to accept being gay. But that's impossible,if im not gay how could I accept it, or wait.. Maybe I'm gay but I cant accept it... That last sentence gave me a little anxiety and fear. I didn't mention that I have had many little breaks from the thoughts, like every 2-3 weeks I would get a couple days away, and I would always think on these days "how could I ever think I'm gay? So silly." But they always come back, whenever I get these breaks, I don't even get happy cause I know they will come back.

Homosexual things I have done in my life? Many things. I've watched gay porn, I've had gay fantasies, I've gotten hard to a guy 1 time in real life(I'll explain in a bit) I've thought that some guys were good looking, that's all of the reasons. I've been a very heavy porn user since around 9-10 years old. I'd say its been about three years where I have jacked off ATLEAST once a day, rarely I would take days off, and even more rarely would it be 2-3 days off. I will admit I am a very big porn addict, after I type this I'm going to masturbate to porn. I've liked gay porn for a while now, about 2 years, but I would watch it very rarely, I'd say every 3-5 months I would watch gay porn and after I would ejaculate I would think to myself why I did that and I would look at the porn and be disgusted, whereas with straight porn, I can ejaculate, look at the porn again, ejaculate again within 20 minutes. Another thing is, sometimes when I watch straight porn I would watch the girl sucking dick, idk why but I imagined it to be myself sometimes, but that was only when I would be jacking off against my will, like I said at least once a day, I would sometimes go 3-4, times a day. When I'm super horny and want to watch porn, its all about the girl, her curves, her tits, everything about them, even there feet. I've had few gay fantasies, but my gay fantasies are different then my straight fantasies for some reason... When I was in 7th grade I fantasized about touching tips with my gym teacher. I did this 2-3 times, and after I ejaculated I was so disgusted and in real life around him I would never feel this way or think about it. Ive had a couple more with a the thought of a older man in a shower and he sees me and says come in here and it gets sexual, its the seduction that always gets me going. All my gay fantasies have to do with older men, even with gay porn, I can't watch a couple young guys go at it but I can watch older and younger, I don't know why. Its been awhile since I've watched gay porn. My 1 boner to a man, I was at a gym locker room, the man much older than me walked out bare naked and bent his ass against the wall, I wanted to look away but my head told me to look and see if I'm attracted. I got a boner, and anxiety kicked in and I walked out the locker room ready to cry. Before that I always thought seeing a guy naked in the locker room was super disgusting, and and even after the incident I have seen naked guys and not got aroused but I got disgusted. And lastly I think there are good looking guys, and I'm not making a excuse but if I look back I've always felt envy, I'm not a very good looking kid and often been made fun of for being ugly. A lot of my friends are good looking but I never used to think about it like that, I just thought they were better looking than me, I've also felt jealousy that my friends could just get girls with their looks and I couldn't. To be honest I'm not that envious, I feel like I've had this experience though!

About girls, i started noticing them at a very young age, and the first time I saw naked pictures of women was on a website when I was very little, I think 2nd grade, and I remember being super attracted to it. It was the sexiest $#%^ I've ever seen in my life and I wanted more. So there started my porn addiction, just staring at cleavage got me going. I had my very first crush that I could remember back in 4th grade on the blonde blue eye girl that I thought was gorgeous. I had my first girlfriend in 6th grade, she was so hot to me. Blonde, blue eyes as well, man I don't even know how I got her! I was lucky. I had my first long term relationship in 7th grade, and I had deep feelings for this girl, like very deep, I swear I felt love. We dated for about 7 months, broke up, got back together in the summer for about 2 months and split again. During 8th grade I crushed on this girl who was gorgeous, brunette black eyes, she had huge tits, a fat ass, goddamn she was fine AF. I had a crush on her for a majority of the year until I moved onto this girl I was good friends with who was sexy and had a nice ass and our personality's just clicked. I've had many crushs along with these girls, these were just the big crushes. Freshman year of highschool I got a girlfriend who I thought super sexy. I would grab her ass every time we hugged and it was so arousing to me. We broke off, and I liked a abundance of girls during the school year but never got with any. Then in June I got my feelings for my long term girlfriend in 7th grade, and they were instant, the butterflies consumed my stomach with every thought of her. She had a boyfriend when I tried to talk to her and it hurt a lot. Now summer was here and being super happy I remember going to Chicago for a wedding, and I was in a 4 star hotel and I saw this hot ass milf, she was so hot. I jacked off 3 times that day in my hotel room within a span of 2 hours, she was just so hot and I wanted to have sex with her. Then a month passes and I come to terms with my sexuality, I can't remember what started it but it just started. And that was when my life took a huge turnaround...

By the way, I masturbate to straight porn everyday and often watch lesbian porn as well, and lesbian porn can sometimes get me so aroused. Watching two milfs go at it can get my dick harder than rocks.

Never have I had a crush on a guy, not once. I see people on here who say they have had male crushes before, I have never had one. My mind keeps telling me that's what I truly want though. I've never even thought about liking a guy before until my hocd kicked in. One thing that always killed me was groinal responses, they scared the living daylight out of me. Another thing that scared me was when I would get erect thinking of a girl, but I would then fear that I got erect because of a guy. Everytime I try to check out a girl my head tells me I'm just lying to myself. I'm also scared that if I get a girl I will realize I'm gay and have to tell her. I really super duper fear that I will never have feelings for a girl anymore and I will never be sexually aroused by a girl again. Also that I will be sexuslltyaroused by guys and I will start liking guys, these scare me a lot. I want to tell my dad about my problem but its just so embarrassing. People say gay people in denial get mad when there called gay, when people call me gay now I get very uncomfortable and anxious and it triggers thoughts, back before hocd I would laugh it off and if someone ever thought I was actually gay(very rare) I would be dissappinted in them for thinking that and I would tell them that I am obviously straight. Also it is said that gay people aren't scared of the thoughts, there scared of what people will think of them, when I think that far I don't get scared to tell people, I would be embarrassed... That's not what I want to be known as.

Me and my friends, are a very weird group of people, we smart, were athletes, were class clowns, were the coolest kids you'll ever meet haha! But lots of our jokes have something to do with homosexuality, like we found it funny to moan in class haha it was truly hilarious, talking like were gay is also funny. And I remember in 6th grade, one of our friends we suspected was gay grabbed my dick in the hall and I was like wtf bro your a #######1 and I ran from him and he chased me and he was begging for my forgiveness... Nowadays me and my friends hit each others dick and grab each others, I stopped grabbing cause the one and only time I did it made me feel very disgusted and never did I want to do it again. When they grab mine I feel very disgusted, I don't get aroused at all. One friend whips his dick out all the time, I don't get aroused and I don't want to see it, I run away from him cause he chases me lmao god damn it we are some weird mofos.

I've always obsessed over girls. I would pretend to make out with a girl or cuddle with one using a pillow in bed. By the way I've never kissed or had Amy sexual experience with a girl but I have always wanted too but I got too nervous cause I thought I would be bad.

Before my hocd, I had other obsessions, one was that I had a limp dick. I also feared I had a small dick. Neither were true. During my 4 month hovd period I feared that I wanted to be a transexual after watching lesbian porn and I also feared I was going to grow up being a pedophile. My hocd consumed these thoughts quick but they lasted a good hour each.

I am very depressed, I like to sleep a lot more now, as it is the only escape from the thoughts.

Also I've been changing everything that makes me feel gay, I don't wear a pink polo I used to think was fresh, I don't listen to the same songs used to because they make me anxious.

Please help me, give me advice, If you relate to MD please let me know by replying, all help is appreciated, I've never been helped with this. Maybe if you have the same problem we can discuss and plan out ways to overcome it? And please tell me what you think, hocd or am I gay? I'm dying to know... Please anyone.