HOCD

Hello,
I have written a lot of posts here on the forum about my HOCD, so feel free to read them to understand my situation.

This is the 4th month into my obsessions about my sexual orientation. I have been taking Zoloft for around 3 months now and am currently at a 150mg dose.
Zoloft definitely helped me a lot, but things seem to get better to a certain point and stop moving forward.

I have come to the point where I think just medication can't help me any further. It definitely decreased the depression, anxiety and the frequence of the thoughts and panic attacks. But the thoughts don't seem to want to go away. Lately, I'm kind of repulsed by the thought of kissing a guy again, but when I think of their body or see it on TV, I still feel like I get attracted and feel I would like to do something sexual with them. And feeling repulsed seems to be forced by me, so am I repressing my true feelings? The medication helped me a lot, but since I'm still unsure about my sexuality, I feel like it is actually my true feelings, since it didn't fix it. I can't accept the possibility of being gay, I just can't. Even if that is the only solution. I can even say if I actually were gay, I would be 9scared of the society. What if that's the only reason I don't want to be gay? How can I know if it's denial, fear, or HOCF. I've read countless of posts about this. And I'm still constantly looking for reassurance and still can't eatch TV, because there is always a muscular man waiting to trigger me.

My psych is helpful, but she always asks me the question I can't answer; "What if you were gay?". And I told her that I don't really know, the only answer I can think of is fear of the society.

I know your answers won't be much dofferent from other hundreds of similar posts, but writing or talking about this kind of temporarily weakens the anxiety. I can also do something that will keep me busy and unable to think of anything else, and I will only get the thoughts a few times, but I don't want to have these thoughts even if I do nothing or watch the TV.

Thanks for reading. I hope you're all doing okay.

Right now I'm in school and just checked out my class mate, and I'm spiked right now.
It just feels like bisexuality is a part of me. I read that bisexual or gay people don't get anxious over the thoughts, but actually enjoy them, and I feel like that's what I am starting to feel.
I can't even get as anxious anymore.

hocdsufferer wrote:Right now I'm in school and just checked out my class mate, and I'm spiked right now.
It just feels like bisexuality is a part of me. I read that bisexual or gay people don't get anxious over the thoughts, but actually enjoy them, and I feel like that's what I am starting to feel.
I can't even get as anxious anymore.

Don't worry. There are many HOCD sufferers as well as me on the same boat. Just remember that ANY type of OCD can cause false feelings, attractions and desires. I get a lot of false attraction feelings and false desires mainly towards my age group. Nothing towards older males.

Remember, as real as it may feel, it is all OCD! The decrease in anxiety is something I sometimes get, but then it comes back. I think it is caused because over time you get so used to these anxious feelings that they are not as strong anymore. This is what OCD does. I have pretty much the same symptoms as you. You can tell that your false sexual feelings/attractions are all OCD if you get anxious during, or after the thought pops in mind. Do you overanalyse the thought? If you do, it is all OCD. No one analyses normal thoughts, not even OCD sufferers.

I have thoughts of boys pop up in my head randomly quite often. Sometimes they are topless, sometimes they are not. I never used to care about them before this all started. That is more proof it is OCD. If you get a mixed feeling in your chest of anxiety mixed with what you think is "attraction", this is a normal symptom that's HOCD sufferers go through. It is not real attraction or desire if you get anxious! I get those feelings of "desire" as well, they feel real, like you "want it", don't they? I know that it is fake because it is not something I want to act on. I don't want this false desire or attraction. OCD can trick you in many ways to make you doubt yourself.

It is all OCD. Nothing is real. Did any of these symptoms happen before HOCD started? If not, that is more evidence. HOCD is scary, I know how you feel. This is the monster that HOCD is. If you don't want these thoughts and urges, you're not bisexual. If you get anxious after these thougts, if you overanalyse them, you are NOT bisexual.

Hope all this evidence helps.

Thanks for your reply. I just feel like I prefer males now and don't get anything towards girls. And I'm on Zoloft, as I've been diagnosed with OCD after talking to a psych. It might be all OCD, but I can't know for sure. Reassurance like this helps me for a moment, though and I tesn to comeback for more every now and then. I canreally make out the phases of my OCD, first it was pure anxiety and depression, cried for days, lost my appetite... Then I was better for a week, I was still checking, but could forget the thoughts easier. After a week I got back to the start and my Zoloft dose was highered to 100mg. I felt better again, but the thoughts still felt real and got anxious over them. Right now I'm on 150mg and I barely even get a response from the checking and thoughts, I can't get as anxious anymore, even if I want to, and thus it feels like it's just a part of me that I'm bisexual. I get moments when I think about something and a few moments later I realise what I was just thinking and feel that it was a legit thought, that I enjoyed and get anxious about it, because it could be proof that I'm really gay and enjoy, but deny it when I'm consciously thinking about it.