I need reassurance. I don't know if I'm gay/bisexual HOCD

I've done a good job by not falling for HOCD thoughts in months, but this one has made me worry a lot. I really, really wanna learn more about how OCD works in each situation so I can become my own therapist. Anyway, here it goes.

I've had HOCD for a very long time; ever since I was like 11 years old. Up until that point I had never doubted my own heterosexuality. Even though my HOCD started at that age, I had hypochondriac/OCD symptoms before. However, I've never been to a psychiatrist or a psychologist before, so I haven't been diagnosed with OCD. Even so, I am 99% sure I have OCD, or in any case, I have a OCD-like way of mindset that's been affecting me. I believe this might be the case because my mother has these hypochondriac/overly anxious thoughts, so she may have taught me that without intending it. Anyway, let's not focus on the bigger picture and go with the particular.

I haven't had any doubts in months, but today it struck me again. I am worried about liking men. Whenever I feel admiration for another man I feel butterflies in my stomach. That' causes me just a little bit of worrying because I've been told before that that happens when you're young. I'm seventeen. And the other thing is that deep deep down I know I'm not gay. I've had HOCD episodes where the main focus was feeling butterflies in my stomach. I've observed that if I worry about this, I get more butterflies in my stomach. Anyway, I have concluded that feeling these butterflies in my stomach don't come along with sexual attraction, fantasies or sexual desire. If they're felt as a consequence of admiration, they're just like "Wow, I feel good with myself because that person has given me recognition or he's a great person to talk to" etc. These butterflies, though, don't last for long, they usually come with the first interactions in a relationship. I once read that butterflies don't mean sexual attraction; they just indicate you're excited by a social interaction. There's a big underlying question here that also has to do with my HOCD, which has to do with whether or not I really like women. This is because I haven't felt these butterflies for a girl in like 4-5 years. Only if I think about them all the time and I try to purposely feel butterflies in my stomach for them I DO end up feeling them. I like feeling them for a girl, though. 5 years ago though, I did feel these butterflies without trying to feel them. I'm worried about this I really wanna fall in love with a girl and have a relationship and get married or whatever. What do you guys think about this? Do you guys think I'm normal? Ahhhh, sigh. I really need reassurance.



Now, I am worrying about whether or not I like penises. Ever since like two months ago, I've been fapping to different stuff. By different stuff I'm talking about fapping to older women. Not girls that are my age. I think I find them somewhat intimidating and not that approachable so I fap to something that seems more accessible, like my teachers. I don't fap to them exclusively though, it's just like another thing I do. I still fap to girls my age. I just find it harder to get hard with younger girls.

So, when I have those fantasies I think about my penis penetrating them and being somewhat aggressive, if you know what I mean. I don't think much about their vagina. I fantasize about their insides and the inner part of the vagina, not the exterior part. I get hard when I think about my penis being big and how it looks like a grown man's penis and how it gives pleasure to that woman. I think it has to do with feeling powerful. If I think about a penis just by itself I don't get turned on. I don't wanna suck any dick, I don't wanna get penetrated by anyone's dick. When I fap to these things I think about the image of my dick and that woman liking it and moaning... Yeah..


Here's the difference though: when I think about girls my age, I don't think about my penis at all. I fantasize with their butts, their boobs, their lips, their faces, etc. I really have a good theory about this and I think it has to do with power. The intimidation that I get from girls my age is somehow compensated with the fantasy of older women (which seem more approachable to me) and also my penis, since a grown man's penis gives me power.


As I am typing all of this I am just thinking to myself "Man, everytime I type what my thoughts are I just end up thinking I really am not gay, because everytime you type something you have to make the text make sense. So as you type you put your thoughts in order and make them make actual sense!


If I try to think about my penis when fantasazing about a girl my age or whatever, I feel like "Why would I think about this lol? Think about her; this doesn't turn me on, really"

Or atleast that's what I felt right now. I am fearful of that thought being false, though

Anyway, could you guys give me your opinion on this aswell?


Oh and, I have something else to say. I am not obsessed with vaginas. I don't feel AS attracted to them as I do with other girl parts. I get turned on to no end by their faces, their curves, their butts, their boobs, their hair, their clothing, their way of being, their everything. I don't know why :/. I wish I liked vaginas more though. But... I still don't know how much I really like them since my HOCD could be affecting that. I find them interesting and I think, that even though they don't look pretty, I think that when I have sex for the first time, it'll feel pretty good. Yeah I'm still a virgin. When I was like 13 I was worried about not liking vaginas and looked up images on google and found them disgusting. They were a bit ugly. As time went on though, I started liking them more.

You're reading too much into it man, and you dont want or need reassurance. Listen, OCD is a chinese finger trap, the more you resist the more it persists. Letting go doesn't mean diving into an anxious pool of your worries, it means focusing on other things in spite of those feelings. Reducing your anxiety and fear isn't the goal, it's cutting out the compulsions that prime that anxiety in the first place. You want to know how ocd works, but dont learn more about your condition just to calm down your anxiety. Every time you try that reassurance you're validating an irrational fear and making it feel real because you're engaging in an intricate balancing act. You need to be focusing on other things in your life and give this grand mystery a rest for a while. Trust me, when you're relationship to women is reflexive and not a product of 'checking' your attractions are going to come back.

What do you have going on right now in your day to day life? The more you have going on the less you'll end up focusing on this stuff less and your brain will return to center. Trying to solve this stuff or pay attention to it makes it worse.