POCD - It feels like I don't even have POCD

Hi

This is one of the many posts I placed on this forum regarding POCD but I wanted to get this off my chest. I am afraid I'm an actual pedophile because other POCD cases seem to be different. For example many pocd sufferers have intrusive thoughts, have panic attacks, .. and I don't. I am just scared I might be a pedophile because I experience some unwanted attraction etc.. But what bothers me is that real non-offending pedophiles their attraction is also 'unwanted'.. My case just seems to be so different.. like it's not that I want the thoughts (but while typing this I think I do) but they don't bother me THAT much. While wouldn't a POCD person be terrified?

I mostly masturbated before all this to taboo porn (incest,..) or dad/son porn. I liked it when the age gap was big.. I never got really sexually excited from guys my age (I did masturbate to them when I was around 13/14 though, before my OCD). However I did have sex a couple of times with guys my age or older and I guess it felt right. But I took 100mg antidepressants at the time so my sexual pleasure was somewhat suspressed. But I liked to kiss, hug,.. And I really liked some of the guys.

One of the past events that bothers me the most is that I once searched for cp (I was 19 or something). I don't know why.. was it to test? Or to take dad/son porn to the extreme? I don't know. Anyways I didn't go to the dark web or something and just typed it in in google. I felt regret afterwards.. and searched for 'how to report cp' in case police could track me down or whatever I don't know. There was a porn site with dad/son porn with a thumbnail that really looked like an adult having sex with a minor, maybe even a child? And for some reason I clicked on it? I wanted to see it? The video was deleted so I think it mightve actually been real cp.. This is the past event I worry about the most since I see it as proof I'm a possible pedo. I also once masturbated to the thoughts of someone who is 4 years younger than me AND is exceptionally small for his age..

I also once tried to have sex/sexual play with my brother when I was idk 12/13 :'( He is a few years younger than me..
Someone also suggested earlier that I might have been abused as a child which also worries me.

I feel like I'm a non- offending pedo with ocd I really want to have a normal adult relationship but I don't seem to have interest in it? Like mostly the sexual part? What's wrong with me? Am I a real pedo?

Get a diagnosis.. Also, forum rules don't allow your topic, it appears, 'DO NOT POST MESSAGES ABOUT PARAPHILIAS, INCLUDING PAEDOPHILIA, AS THE MAIN TOPIC.'

POCD is the main subject, which is not pedophilia; and unless you're referring to a different post I also don't see anything about OP not having a diagnosis.

An online forum is a rare place where people with intense, even sexually transgressive, obsessions can speak freely about what they'd otherwise face censure for. I suspect that's why half of our posters are HOCD or POCD, even though statistically the checkers and the germaphobes are more common. The pedophilia rule seems to me like a very slim basis for banning every POCD member in crisis.

Or that's my two cents at any rate. Rule enforcement is the province of the mods.

Anyway, OP, I will agree with Orwell on one point. If you don't have a diagnosis you should seek one, with a CBT or ACT therapist who advertises experience in OCD specifically. If you do have a diagnosis, I would take up these all doubts with your therapist anyway.

I will say that intrusive thoughts can take more forms than the label suggests; for example they can be more emotional than cognitive, involve real confusion and confliction, and can be mistaken for physical urges. I'll also emphasize that transgressive sexual experiences, particularly from early childhood, do not automatically make you a pedophile. Neither does repressed sexual abuse. That whole idea is a dicey subject, about which I have very little real knowledge, but I can tell you that repressed memories are very controversial within psychology. If you don't actually remember abuse, I would personally advise you not to worry too much about it.

Finally, and I want to insert a big ***trigger warning*** right here for the rest of this sentence, even if it turned out you were a pedophile it wouldn't be the end of your life, so long as you sought help and didn't act on your urges. But I would pursue the POCD angle first, with someone who has OCD experience and will know what you're talking about.

It's a complicated net you're caught in, and I wouldn't want to presume to give you any advice more specific than that. Best of luck.

I have an official diagnosis with OCD. I'm just afraid because there also exist pedophiles with OCD.

And to be honest I would be really depressed if I would be a pedophile. That I can remember, I always imagined myself with a guy my age. Maybe a bit younger or a bit older.

However I read that pedophiles feel suicidal, depressed and have a low self esteem. I have all of these. Could maybe be also be OCD?

What gives me a bit of hope is that my previous obsession doesn't bother me at all now. I lowered my medication and I got this. My previous obsession faded and to be honest I want the old obsession back since it's NOTHING compared to this.

I'm just so scared and it feels like this attraction/arousal is real but could it be fake?

Also I'm very afraid to be diagnosed with pedophilia. That would mean the end of my normal life to me. :'(

ConfusedAndAfraidGuy wrote: However I read that pedophiles feel suicidal, depressed and have a low self esteem. I have all of these. Could maybe be also be OCD?

Yes. Heck, all of that can happen to anybody, mentally ill or otherwise.

I can see why you'd be scared to death of learning you were a pedophile, but now that I know that this is the latest in a string of irrational obsessions, I'd bet good money you're just caught in a cycle of obsessive thoughts. Sure, theoretically a pedophile could also have OCD, but what's more likely? That you got randomly saddled with not one but two mental dysfunctions, one of them quite rare? Or that the disorder you already know you have is acting up in a new and disturbing way, but one that's been experienced by many, many people before you? As my doctor likes to say, when you see hoof prints you should look for horses before zebras.

I've experienced a similar pattern of my obsessions shifting over time, with the new ones being more intense and disturbing than what came before. It can be rough. Do you have a therapist you can talk to? Or are you scared to bring it up with them?

Hi

I feel really bad but your post makes me feel a bit better. Thank you for that. Btw I'll remember the saying 'when you see hoof prints you should look for horses before zebras'. That's a good one.

And yes I have a therapist but she's not specialized in OCD that I know of. I'm just scared to tell her, especially the past things that I mentioned in my first post. We're working on it though. We're now at the point that I write down my thoughts on a paper and lay it on the table while we're talking. We're getting to me telling her step by step.

Is it btw normal that even if this is my main obsession I'm even more scared of death? Like I also have obsessions over health, while experiencing these pedo feelings, thoughts, attractions,..
And recently I had pain in my testicles and offcourse googled it and you guess it.. I thought I had testical cancer. My doctor didn't feel anything but I still was anxious about it so we got to the hospital to make a scan and there was no cancer. I still have this pain from time to time but I guess it isn't testical cancer? I mean it's just months ago that I had that scan, wouldn't it be very unlikely for me to develop cancer after I made a scan?
I asked my therapist if it is possible to have multiple obsessions and she said yes but wouldn't a person with POCD rather be dead than be a pedo? I would be very unhappy living life as a pedo but I'm even more afraid of dying. (Even though sometimes I have suicidal thoughts like everyone who feels depressed)

I'm glad to hear you're getting there with your therapist. If it's a trusting atmosphere then even if it turns out that she doesn't know what POCD is I'm sure you could just explain it to her and ask her to look it up later.

OCD is different for different people. Some have one obsession and that's it, but it's also perfectly normal to have a bewildering variety of obsessions that blend and change and vanish and reappear over time, and sometimes even manifest as imaginary physical symptoms. (Aside from my own religious and sexual obsessions I've had four different fatal diseases at this point, so I sure type a lot for a dead guy.) OCD is basically going to be as complicated and multi-faceted and messy as it wants to be, and it's going to keep on throwing you new curve balls, so in general try not to second-guess yourself too much about how you should feel about them. Those thoughts aren't real; you're not under any moral obligation to be more scared of one than the other.