HOCD - actual pleasure?

Right now I just feel like I want to get penetrated by a man. When I thought about it I even got a slight boner. And I thought I was getting better... I think I've just realised I'm gay. I'm getting these sensations in my anus as if I would like a penis inside of me. I don't think this is just a fear of wanting it, I feel like I don't want it, but would like it at the same time. Which means I'm in denial. It feels 100% real and when I think about it I think I would just like it. I was better for some time, but now I'm getting these sensations for 3 days again. I don't get as anxious with the medicine, but I'm getting pretty anxious over this again. Right now I can actually say I would like it. But I don't want to like it. It's denial and I'm on the verge of crying again. I'm gay in denial. This time I believe it's actually true. What do I do, I'm hopeless, I'm scared, anxious, I need someone to tell me this is normal, but I know it isn't. When I think about my past I always admired some men, but noe I feel like they were crushes. Yesterday we went to watch a show with my class and there was a cool guy in it and I felt like a crush. I feel like I know this is denial. F*ck... It's real, I would just enjoy it and I will be in denial forever because I'm scared of the society. I can't get better because it's not OCD. I don't know what to do. I just want to take something so I wouldn't think about anything at all. I'm getting murdered by the thoughts and feelings. I'm gay and I can't accept it. F*ck my life.

Okay, I'm going to try and walk the fine line between reassuring you too much (and thereby pushing you into compulsive reassurance seeking) and reassuring you too little (and thereby being a jerk when you're feeling incredibly down and out). It's always tricky.

First, let's start by stepping around all of the obvious logical objections to what you're saying, because you know them by now, and logic rarely helps much when you're this deep in the pits. At worst it can just lock you into an endless cycle of anxious 'what-if' thoughts.

Instead, maybe you can get out of your own head a little by getting into the heads of others. Try googling up some case studies, articles, blogs, or forum posts about people with HOCD, or even better, people with POCD, trans OCD, rape OCD, cheating OCD, and any others who have similar enough thought patterns to you to remain recognizable and empathetic, but different enough to be strikingly delusional. I've found that can be helpful when you really need to jar yourself back into perspective.

But why do I actually feel like I want to get it by a man in the butthole. This is the most annoying feeling, because it actually feels like I want it. And when I say I don't I feel like I am lying.

I have this feeling in the anus as if I would like a penis inside of it. And I feel like I would actually want it and like it. I'm trying to convince myself I wouldn't, but it doesn't work, I would actually like it... God damnit. You can't say that's not gay, because I know it is. Right now I'm almost sure I'm not straight.

I don't want to want it, but I actually do. It's denial. I don't see any other explanation right now. HOCD was just an excuse. I feel like I won't be okay until I accept that it's true and be gay. But I don't want to be happy with being gay. Can HOCD really trick you so hard into believing it?

hocdsufferer wrote:I have this feeling in the anus as if I would like a penis inside of it. And I feel like I would actually want it and like it. I'm trying to convince myself I wouldn't, but it doesn't work, I would actually like it... God damnit. You can't say that's not gay, because I know it is. Right now I'm almost sure I'm not straight.

I don't want to want it, but I actually do. It's denial. I don't see any other explanation right now. HOCD was just an excuse. I feel like I won't be okay until I accept that it's true and be gay. But I don't want to be happy with being gay. Can HOCD really trick you so hard into believing it?

It's been 9 months since my HOCD crisis started. And here I am. Look at my other posts, you will see I was in the same situation as you, or maybe even deeper. I too felt this anus thing. And I got past it. But I'm still here. I have other fears now, and that is exactly the problem. You might be dead tired of reading people telling you not to try solving the problems, but that's the only way. It is really hard, if it wasnt, I wouldnt be here right now.
Whenever you start feeling a bit better, stop using any website so frequently, I can bet it has become routine to you to come here everyday, but you must stop seeking for reassurance.
PM me if you want to talk more, but nobody is going to save you except for yourself.

But did you actually have a feeling of wanting to get ###$ in the butt, because I feel like I would like it when having this anus sensation. And is it completely gone for you? I'm glad you recovered from HOCD

Hi there

Can I ask you where you live? Because you said you're afraid of society? Most parts of the world accept LGBT people (not saying you are one of them). I myself am a 20 year old gay guy and I have (atleast I hope it's just that) POCD. I have to tell you, when I was 13 or so I was a bit in denial. Watching straight porn while I liked gay porn better. But I didn't really obsess over it I think.

I suffer kinda hard from this pocd thing because let's be honest no normal person WANTS to be a pedo. And pedophillia is far worse than homosexuality. I also feel like a pedo in denial and I hate it. I really dont want to be one but then I read that some pedos also feel emotional distress etc.. And then I feel like it applies to me..

Btw there are straight males who enjoy anal play..

Homosexuality is accepted in my country. My mother said she wouldn't have anything against me being gay. But I'm still afraid I'm actually scared of the society, because it can be homophobic and cruel. My dad doesn't know, so what if I'm afraid what he would say? Now that you said you are gay and were in denial I feel like that is me and I Will soon realise that I am actually gay. But I don't want to. But why not? Because I'm scared of the society? It feels even more real since I am on medication and I don't get as depressed and anxious, and sometimes it feels like I'm okay with it? I was diagnosed with OCD by a psychiatrist, but I still doubt their diagnosis. What if I'm in such deep denial that it actually seems like OCD, but really isn't and they diagnosed me, even though I'm really gay? Since I can remember, I've always liked girls. These past 3 months, though, have been really hard, and I've had a lot of emotional breakdowns and was really depressed for a few weeks. I still do a lot of compulsions and check every guy I see. My mom and my friend told me that they don't think I'm gay either. But what does that help? They can't know my sexual orientation, can they...
Let's say I'm not gay. What if I'm bisexual? I don't want to be that either. But why not? Fear of society comes up in my mind again. Everything points towards me being in denial. When I imagine myself kissing a guy I feel kinda repulsed, but when thinking about being intimate around the sexual organs I don't really feel repulsed. That must mean something. And if I were actually straight, I would probably never even think about such thing. When I wask myself if I would be okay being with a guy if homosexuality was a norm, I feel like I could be and that triggers me even more, because that must mean I'm gay, but just scared. What if I have internalized homophobia? What if I'm just scared of the society? What if I want to be gay but I'm repressing it? When I ask myself all these things, I feel like they are true. I have also thought about being transgender and that triggered a panic attack Quite a few times. I've also thought that I'm a pedophile and also triggered me a few times. When I was at my worst, I even though "What if I want to kill myself or somebody else?" and that also triggered a panic attack. Also thought I had hearing hallucinations a few times and also triggered me when in reality I actually heard those sounds. I still do a lot of compulsions, and they really take the quality of life away from me. I don't want to watch television, browse any websites I didn't see before, because I'm afraid I'm going to see a shirtless guy on there. In school I constantly check out my classmates to see if I have a crush on them. And I never know. Even my teachers. I'm really not sure I can even be straight anymore after feeling this rollercoaster of emotions. I just feel confused. I don't even know what to feel anymore. I just want to be alone at home forever so I don't have to see another guy and get a crush on him.
Sorry if this sounds rude, I don't have anything against gays.
Right when I wrote this I thought "What if I do? What if that is the reason I'm repressing my homosexuality?"
I feel like I really am in denial like you were at 13. I'm only 17 and never had a girlfriend, just 1 crush at 14-15 and would have such a nice feeling when thinking about her or looking at her photos. And back then I never thought I could be gay. But now I just feel like I am.

I think you just have HOCD. You don't really sound like you're gay. I hope it's the same for me and the POCD. But I never 'crushed' on a guy I think. Idk. I was for most of my teenage years on a high dose of antidepressants and maybe that suspressed things. Why is also that I fear I'm a pedo. I did things in the past (not harmed children or something) that could indicate possible pedophilia. And it offcourse makes me doubt even more. Like you, I also feel like I'm a pedo and know it but don't accept it or something.

I also take medication but like you I also feel anxious and worry. And don't worry I'm not offended at all, even if you disliked gays :p

Hello.

I don't know if have read any of the posts that I've written, but my experiences are similar to yours. Maybe worse.

I'm somewhat back in the pit again with everything feeling real. Not as bad with freaking out spending every second of my day stressing and crying about it, which makes it more worse.

But I know how it is dude. It feels like reality and there's nothing you can do except sit there and be overrun by the feelings of wanting to do stuff with the same sex.

What got to me the worst is when I don't have a spec of attraction towards females anymore and what 110% felt like same sex attractions going on.

And more things added up to that but they're too long and intricate to put thought into right now.

Honestly, I've recently started visiting site more frequently again. Like, how I was. But during that time of not making any posts and not spending my time on this site or others, things got better for a bit.

I gained a little bit of an attraction to females and was thinking less about homosexuality and me being one. Dudes felt like they faded off and it felt pretty damn good.

But it's getting bad again and I think it might get worse so I guess I'm prepared.

My advice, stay away from this site for a little. See how it will turn out.

Good luck, dude. We're fighting a war.