Please help me understand

Hi there this is my first post on this form. Im an 18 year old male and this year I have done tons of self reflecting and problem solving from issues that go deep into my past. I have discovered that I have some form of OCD that manifests entirely in my thoughts and rarely makes an appearance in the outside world except when I am making something/tidying something it needs to be perfect but its not so much a compulsion as it just makes me feel good when its perfect. But in my thoughts its crazy... Every day if a problem arises (e.g. someone makes a small insult at me) I will keep repeating this situation in my head and overthinking it throughout the day, then throughout the week then throughout the year and it just gives me a really bad feeling when I think about it.This year I have been solving these problems by talking back to the voice in my head and by writing down things that bug me.

The reflection ive done this year has given a lot of info about me from the past: When I was a kid I used to deal with my problems head on and I had a very big temper and got into quite a few fights. At that stage my ocd was really bad and my brain would tell me to do things and I would listen e.g. Id be walking in a forest and my brain would tell me: "Pick up that rock on the ground and hold it until the walk is done or something terrible is going to happen" And i did it. A reccuring one that happened in my home was when I was brushing my teeth my brain would tell me to continue brushing or my family would die that night and other things of the sort, even when I was by far done with brushing my teeth. I remember crying to my parents saying that my brain was controlling me but they never understood my issue. Eventually I decided to not listen to it and I put my toothbrush down even when it continued to tell me to brush. I realised it was all in my head and I didnt listen to my ocd thought anymore, I thought I had conquered it. My temper began to become a problem and instead of head on facing my problems I started to internalise them so I wouldnt get in trouble anymore. This was when I was still in primary school. I internalised all my problems and didnt tell anyone throughtout highschool and I struggled with depression and social anxiety and I never knew why, my OCD voice had come back and started firing off in my head in situations such as saying something awkward to someone and I would think of that situation a million times and overthink it and I could never even approach that person again because I just thought it was unrepairable from that 1 tiny situation.

All my problems would repeat day after day in my head and I would ignore it, but this year I went to college and I began dealing with all those problems, one by one I dealt with things that I should have done a while ago: breaking off with friends that were draining my energy, discovering who I actually was, dealing with problems such as being very forgetful and dealing with one of the biggest ones: perfectionism. I always strived so hard to be perfect among friends, to look the best among my peers, I would live on a bed of lies even it meant they just didnt think one bad thing about me. But this year Ive been practicing authenticity and its broken through that wall slowly but surely.

Ive been keeping a journal about all my problems because my problems seem to be the only thing that my OCD voice goes wild about, as well as explaining things to people to keep up that "perfect" image. As soon as a bad (or good) thing happened my ocd would start crafting sentences of how to tell someone about it so that they will think good about me, or of how to deal with a situation where I made a mistake by crafting a perfect lie so that they would never know. My family were some of the only people who knew this about me and my brother thought I was a pathological liar, but I was just an obsessive perfectionist.

This post has gone all over the place but I just want to say that It really does get better, and im slowly realising that it does, even though this has been the most difficult year of my life. I really am looking for ANY other advice to help me defeat perfectionism among friends and fight my OCD thoughts, because sometimes when my mind wonders my head just goes crazy with terrible intrusive thoughts. Even when i write problems down on paper and come with a conclusion to them no matter how silly the problem may be, the thoughts still appear often, Is this something that is a slow process to break through? Ive always internalised my problems to seem perfect but coming out with them has benefitted me so much, any advice and questions are apprieciated

You're in the middle of a complicated journey of self-discovery, and no one is going to be able to give you the advice that matches your situation exactly.

That said, for what it's worth I had similar issues with perfectionism, except mine were academic instead of social. Back then I saw an A- as acceptable, a B as failure, and a C as absolutely unthinkable. In my thesis year I worked myself until my health completely collapsed, and I managed to limp my way to graduation with accommodation from my teachers. The last course grade I received was a D, but realizing I no longer cared much about grades or the academic pecking order was a better reward in itself. Since then I've drastically reevaluated my priorities in life.

Perfectionism, like fire, is a good servant and a terrible master. My best advice is to reflect daily on what you think is really important in life, beyond (in your case) social achievements, before you run into whatever consequences might be waiting for you down the line. Try hard to grow your values around what's healthy for you as a whole person, rather than the demands of that particular hunger inside of you.

Easier said than done of course. Best of luck.