HOCD (Stagnation - post 3)

I'm going through the same thing right now. Primary "attack" was this time last year. Got on meds, had the same experience you're having. Got off the meds a couple of months ago, did fine a few weeks, then spiked again. Back on the meds for three weeks now . . . and again I'm exactly where you are (Existential/Religious OCD rather than HOCD, but in the same place).

Its almost like I remind myself that I'm supposed to be worrying about my obsession. "Hey, I'm feeling good!" "But why were you ever feeling bad?" "That OCD stuff." "Oh, you think that was OCD? It was actually a living nightmare brought on by your truly legitimate ego-dystonic identity crisis . . . "

So it goes. Meanwhile, you're neglecting the evidence: The meds you're on to treat your anxiety disorder made you feel less anxiety . . . it's almost as if you actually have an anxiety disorder!

You'll get through it. And I very much doubt you'll be gay at the other end.

OCDeer wrote:"Hey, I'm feeling good!" "But why were you ever feeling bad?" "That OCD stuff." "Oh, you think that was OCD? It was actually a living nightmare brought on by your truly legitimate ego-dystonic identity crisis . . . "

So it goes. Meanwhile, you're neglecting the evidence: The meds you're on to treat your anxiety disorder made you feel less anxiety . . . it's almost as if you actually have an anxiety disorder!

The sad irony being that, at least in my personal experience, OCD is often a legitimate ego-dystonic identity crisis ... but just not ever the one it says it is. I'm also just getting out of a nasty relapse. Best of luck with your recovery, OCDeer.

I hope this won't be taken as in any way insensitive to what you're all going through, but when I read the posts of all of you HOCD, POCD, and existential types it makes me very thankful that my own obsessions have rarely been anything but clearly delusive. I wash until my hands bleed, and pace until I'm too tired to stand, but I can be always count on a part of me retaining the insight to remember that the ghost of Bertrand Russell won't really molest me in my sleep if I do it wrong!

My sympathies to all of you who aren't always granted the same luxury. My hope in telling anecdotes like the above is that my craziness can serve as a something of a funhouse mirror for your own condition, and help you all remember that (despite the facade of reasonability present in HOCD and some others) we've all got the same diagnosis, and in the end your fears are just as delusive as mine.

On a more directly relevant note, listen to the two fellows above me hocdsufferer. They've got the right of it. If that still doesn't sink in, then listen to yourself. This is a really excellent bit of advice you provided for messiahchatterbox just a week ago, when he was in similar place to where it seems like you are now:

hocdsufferer wrote:This surely can't be OCD, because how can you feel something if you don't feel it? These are all my doubts and they are never ending. You know what it's like and probably every one thinks he is an exception, because it feels too real to us. When I found all symptoms I had on this forum and maybe calmed down a bit, I always got new "proof" that I'm gay, it's like an evolving disease that gets immune to everything. It creates new ways of making us believe everything.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

I realise I am countering my own words. It's always easier to give someone helpful advice than telling that to yourself I guess. It's easier said than done.
All of your answers are helpful and it's always nice knowing there are people that are going through the same thing. It gives me a bit of reassurance (that I shouldn't seek). If I ever get through this and not turn gay I will come back and help everyone with my experience.

Thanks for your answers again.

Guys from my little understanding,sexuality and everything that has to do with it is not 100% stable....notions of unwanted sexuality can come if you are stressing to much about it.I want to ask you straightly....when you are not under full ocd power,do you observe your actions?I believe most(and I also) dont....there exactly lies the key(not a magic solution of course),what you feel then,b it a moment a day a month or a year.I am going to say something that most may not believe...when I was an early pubescent I DID have homosexual fantasies about my peers bit older bit yunger....though I dont feel gay or any attraction to any man right now,I also had fantasies with incest taboo,rape etc,I didnt ever wanted to act upon it,it wasnt an innate desire after all,just a kink.My friend,I dont know you and your suffering,but I suffer from POCD 7 years now...dont give up take a break....what many people say for ocd ''Tell to your mind ''yes I am homosexual'''' and it will begin not to stress out about it....but then you will ofcourse doubt about whether you use a trick or just genuinely admitted that you are a homosexual.Dont get tricked,I did it on occasional times even if the fear was greater...I was like ''Yep Yep I am a pedo,little girls make me feel alright blah blah singing with unicorns''....I got out,with less stress,and guess what?I didnt even notice kids(like when I am ok) in contrast to the constant noticing when stressed and under obsessional thinking.Take care.

-- Sun Sep 11, 2016 11:40 pm --

And do you want to know what is the difference between arousal and groinal response?In my opinion and experience?

Groinal response:Feeling anxious,hedonized by the fear(meaning it induces physical arousal,not an erection though),feeling guilt,and even seeing the mental picture you get disgusted(attention here),it is created by the mere stimulus of SEX,and fortified by fear


Sexual Arousal:I see that one,i feel a fiery passion to ###$ a person and kiss him fondle him with all my being,and I get an erection as much as a genuine mental hedony


And talk about ego-dystonic sexual orientations?THE SECOND SCENARIO IS AGAIN THE VALID.These people just fear the stigma,they are ''sexually aroused(genuinely)'' by the thought....they DESIRE it,they dont hate it,they are not repulsed,they just love it but fear that they will be banned from a ''normal'' life.

I want you to do an experiment with just what I told you,use it.If you masturbate,do not for a couple of days(I used it to relieve anxiety),just stay like this,even months,and you will see that your natural personal urges begin to recollect...I did it,and I saw that I am finally attracted to teens,yes teens(I am an ephebo) and adults.....check it!!!

If I had to take in mind ALLLL the fantasies I had since I was 10-11,I would now be a homosexual,pedophile,incestuous man,coprophiliac,zoophiliac,biastophiliac man.....Am I?No...I am a heterosexual ephebophile masochist coprophiliac(as sick as it may sounds),but these interests I knew them since the beginning,I knew when they were formed,or started,I CAN TRACE THEM.And this is the biggest clue for knowing your sexuality....

Okay, here we go. I've decided this is my last post.
Not much has changed, so I will summarize my current feelings.

I'm no longer depressed. I no longer get such severe panic and anxiety attacks (I'm taking Zoloft). I still do find the thoughts or checkings very real. And I still fear that it's not OCD, but actual denial.

I've come to the point where I'm not sure I can be straight anymore. I can picture myself being intimate with another man and enjoying it (I don't want to say this, but it's probably true, I would probably like the feeling, although I don't want it (but maybe I do?)). But I still feel kind of sick when imagining kissing a guy (or do I?). But I'm no longer depressed and so anxious, and it makes me doubt it even more. I can't say I'm straight anymore. But I don't freaking want to be bi or gay. But it's probably because of the society and denial. I feel like I would get aroused more by gay porn than straight porn. Everything is pointing towards being gay. And I don't think it's ever going away, until I realise I really am gay.

Since this is the last time I'm writing here I want to thank you all for your responses and I hope you get through whatever you are suffering from.