What hope is there for my situation?

I have had horrible depressive nightmares as a result of severe depression throughout my life. These depressive nightmares were not normal experiences of a normal healthy depressed brain.

They were experiences of a severely ill and tormented brain since my depression has gotten to the point of being so severe that it has taken my life away.

The depression (hopelessness) and the horrible mental states experienced in those nightmares were nothing normal and was beyond anything imaginable since experiences in nightmares are nothing like experiences in your waking life.

People who have near death experiences sometimes have distressing or hellish ones. They experience the horrible indescribable mental states that they experience in their worst nightmares just as bad or even far worse than their worst nightmares.

But it's much worse since they experience it fully conscious since people are fully conscious and aware during their near death experiences.

They are hyper aware and everything is hyper real. To be fully aware and conscious of these horrible experiences is far worse than being less aware of them during your nightmares.

If I ever have a near death experience myself someday, then there is the possibility that I could experience those horrible indescribable depressive mental states that I experienced in those depressive nightmares.

To experience that fully conscious would be something so indescribably horrible that there is no way for me to be fine with that and not worry about that.

The possibility (no matter how slim) that I could have such a hellish or distressing near death experience has completely taken my life away from me.

It is a constant non-stop 24/7 obsessive worry that has destroyed my life to where I am not functioning and not doing any of my hobbies, it has troubled me, traumatized me, and has made everything in my life completely devoid of all joy and meaning to make my life worth living.

So my life is now completely gone and is no longer worth living which is why I have to somehow find a way to address this worry so that I can have my life back.

But I don't think it's possible and I think there is no hope since it is impossible for me to let something this horrible go and to be at peace with and allow myself to be fine with the idea of possibly experiencing this.

I am fine with and am at peace with facing any horrible experience in my waking life since these experiences are normal no matter how bad they are.

But those experiences in my depressive nightmares was something indescribable. They were completely altered abnormal mental states that were an indescribable hell. They were far beyond just some really horrible nightmarish experience.

It was beyond anything imaginable and there is no way I am fine and at peace with the idea of possibly experiencing that again fully conscious during a near death experience.

There is no way for me to just be here in the moment and not to worry about it. I don't think any therapeutic techniques can help this. This is something so far beyond horrible that there is no possible way for me to let this go, be at peace with, and not worry about.

This situation seems like it is far beyond therapy and other known relaxation, meditation, coping, etc. techniques. So what do we do for this and what hope is there for this?

I will add two additional points that are important that I would like to make. The first being that as long as I have this obsessive worry, my life will continue to remain empty and miserable like this.

Having such obsessive depressive worries in your life causes your mind to focus on a problem and to shut out everything else in your life so that everything else is completely shut out of all joy and significance (meaning).

As long as I have this worry, then everything in my life will continue to remain dead and empty to me since my mind will always continue to shut those things out.

I will also remain non-functional in doing my hobbies and such since having this trouble and worry has rendered me this way.

The last point I would like to make is that some therapists and mental health professionals would say that it is all my way of looking at those mental states in my depressive nightmares.

That if I were to instead look at them differently such as looking at them from a more positive and less horrible perspective, that I wouldn't have to worry about experiencing them again fully conscious during a near death experience.

But the experience is what it is. It truly was that horrible and no change of thinking can change that experience for what it truly was. During that time I had those horrible depressive nightmares, I was so desperate to try this.

I was so desperate to try and take away the horrible power of these experiences by telling myself before I went to bed that they are nothing more than unpleasant experiences, that I can look at them from less horrible perspectives to make these experiences less horrible, etc.

But that did nothing. When I had those depressive nightmares, the experiences were just as horrible. So this says that experiences alone in of themselves can be the absolute worst and most horrible or they can be the absolute best and glorious.

This says that the experiences themselves alone have this power and that it is not just simply your way of looking at them. If it was nothing more than your way of looking at them, then a change of thought should change the experience.

In other words, if you looked at a certain experience in the very beginning as the most horrible experience, but then changed your perspective of that experience as being nothing more than an unpleasant feeling, then that is all that it should be now.

So next time you have it again, it won't bother you that much and would now just be nothing more than an unpleasant feeling and would no longer be the horrible experience it was before. But this isn't the case for me. The experience is what it is regardless of how I choose to view it in a different manner.

In conclusion, some therapists would tell me:

"Yes, it may very well be that horrible of an experience. But you'll get through it no matter how horrible it is if it ever does happen to you."

This statement does not make me any less worried. It does not bring me peace or anything. You do not realize what this is. You do not realize just how horrible that experience was. There is no possible way for me to be at ease with the idea of experiencing it fully conscious during a near death experience.

Dear MattMSV7:

This is what I understand you communicated in your post and let me know- if you'd like- if I am correct and where I got it wrong: your experiences of your Depressive Nightmares were horrible. You believe that Near Death Experiences that people experience being awake, not asleep, are more horrible than your depressive nightmares. You are terribly afraid to experience a near death experience, that is, you are afraid to experience a MORE horrible experience than what you already have. You are very worried about it and this fear consumes you.

Assuming I understood you correctly, then this is my input: first, I read about near death experiences. I didn't read about those being horrible for the people experiencing them. I read that people felt pretty good in those experiences, seeing the light at the end of a tunnel and so forth. I read very little of such, so I am supposing that some people experienced horrible near death experiences and I didn't read of those.

Second: I am very familiar with fear. I experienced so much fear that I never developed hobbies or much of anything. I was shut down, tormented by Tourette Syndrome, OCD and later on severe eating disorders, mood distorders, personality disorder.

I was always afraid of a MORE horrible experience. I've been on what I call my Healing Journey for over five years, starting with my first competent therapy. After two years of therapy I took on the continuation of my healing not in therapy.

What I realized about my fear is that most of my fear is about what already happened to me. What I was afraid that will happen in the future- already happened. To be specific- I kept being afraid of the same thing over decades of life: afraid of my mother (projected into other people)- that she will attack me anytime. I was never safe- never felt safe. My brain took its breaks from anxiety by daydreaming, that was my comfort.

The other fears were adds- on. These very days, being aware of what I fear most, the fear from the beginning, I am unburdened to a large extent from the other fears.

atina

Unfortunately there is a little known subset of NDEs that are horrible. I say this not to trigger OP, but because I believe he already knows it and want to help people understand where OP is coming from. NDEs are classified into three or four groups, heavenly, heavenly-judgemental, hellish, and void. These are pretty self-explanatory.

To Matt, I would say that any therapist willing to say that experiences are all in your perceptions without adding some serious caveats is, as you've percieved, full of bunk. Unless you are literally the Buddha, that's not how it works.

That does not mean that therapy won't help you deal with these obsessions, and possibly the night terrors. I suspect, admittedly from a distance, that you just need a better therapist, and a probably a psychiatrist. Have you tried a course CBT or ACT? Or medication? Have you considered that your night terrors might have a basis in biology, and could be treated? (Though I personally have no experience with night terrors, is there anyone who's been there and is able to advise him?)

All just food for thought. I'm sorry you're in such a rough place, and I wish you well, for what that's worth.