Struggling with POCD and Past "Memories"

So, let me start off by being clear that I am 18 years old and homosexual. I have always been attracted to men my age and older, but I started to doubt that. There are these two specific memories that I have and they make me anxious thinking about them. In one of the memories, I was 16 and remembered thinking this little kid was cute and that he reminded me of me, but I started to think that I was aroused or that I had sexual thoughts/feelings for him but I don't remember any but it feels so real. The second time, which was more recent, I saw another little boy who was also good looking and his face made me blush but I had also got a tingly sensation down there, and my mind is saying that I had an erection (from just looking at his face) but I don't remember at all. These things started to make me test to make sure that I wasn't aroused by them. I also started to force these visualizations just to see if they make me want to puke (and most of the time they do, sometimes they just don't bother me, which also scares me that I didn't worry or find it repulsive). I obsess about these thoughts and they won't go away. Never have I ever even thought of a child in this way, and I don't know why this happened to me?

I've also seen porn with younger/older or more feminine men with more dominate men. I've never seen CP, and I have had no desire to... I started to have a panic attack when I thought that I had some on my computer, but I do not have anything remotely close (not even this "Lolita" stuff that I've read people with POCD watch). I have also spent $200+ dollars online talking to online therapists but then these thoughts come back after awhile. Several times I have cried while having panic attacks because I am so scared of myself and what I could be. Anytime I am near children and my medication has not set in, I can feel my stomach gnawing at me. The more I think about it, I can remember how I thought children were annoying or I absolutely cannot tolerate someone who abuses children. Please share any information you can! Thank you

Kids can be cute, and all it means is you have eyes.

As far as the testing to see if you 'want to puke', I think OCD frequently tries to confuse not being something, with this idea we have to have a violent reaction to something, or else there is something wrong with us. I do it with my harm intrusive thoughts, and sometimes I fancy myself sociopathic, despite every AsPD type test I've ever taken scores nearly zero. Meaning I'm really no more cold hearted or murderous than the average person. But OCD doesn't like hearing that.

I can easily sit here and fantasise about sex with an underage child, and it won't bother me a bit. Am I a pedophile? Nope. And I know that I'm not, and I make the conscious decision than I'm not (with OCD I find I have to 'decide' what I am or am not), and I've always been very careful to not let my OCD go in that direction- it has tried, before, but I nip those thoughts in the bud very quickly, because I know where they can lead.

Thank you!!!