HOCD? Ghosts? WTH is going on?!

I posted posts on this site a while back. I pretty much stated what I was like before all this started and what I was facing now. Before all this, simply put..I was a boy drooling, boyxboy loving, etc. Etc. Girl. 95% of my mind was probably just filled with guys. Then all this doubting started and I started battling with this thing called HOCD (or at least I believe it to be). I checked my self daily, to see if I was attracted to girls, or to see if I was turned on. I would get intrusive thoughts ALL the time. I was scared and anxious. I couldn't sleep, eat, relax..I simply couldn't enjoy life. I hated it. I just wanted to go back to my old self. I did these rituals to "chase away gay/lesbian-ness". It got so bad that I even considered suicide. In the end I ended up just self harming myself, because I couldn't take it anymore. I was so angry. So Frustrated. So sad. So depressed.

But now..oh now..oh my god. As if it couldn'the get any worse.

No, apparently..all that wasn'the enough..oh noooo. Nonononono..apparently...now somehow...I got paranormal things mixed up in all this (I will explain later). Yeah..ok..Once again..My mind strikes back! Decides to mess with me even harder. Hurray. (Not ) I am now DOUBTING everything.

I shall explain...

You see, I am very interested in paranormal things. I find them intriguing. So, obviously as a person who's interested in ghosts and spirits I decided to go on a ghost tour. It was all going smoothly, I was enjoying the tour..forgetting about my problems with HOCD and stuff. Until..we entered a certain cafe. All was well throughout the whole time in the cafe..that is until we were leaving it. My mind suddenly says, "Hey..Hey..you know they say this place has a demonic hauntings...Hey..Hey..you know what..I bet if you 'wished' to be not straight..it'll come...well........true." Obviously, I TRIED to just brushed it off. But you know when you try to not think about something..you end up thinking about it. Yeah, that happened..and I ended up saying "I wish to be a [you know..ugh I can't even physically type it]" in my head. Then as usual, my mind goes crazy and starts to say "OOH it's going to happen! It's going to happen! I bet ghosts can change your sexuality!!! Oooooohhhhh!!"


Help Me.


Why is my mind like this? That has been three days ago. THREE days. And i am still obsessing over it! I am legitimately worried that a ghost..will change my sexuality because I said that line..in my head..by accident. No, seriously..I am terrified. I feel like, no matter what I wass like in the past..doesn't matter anymore because a paranormal..supernatural power or some sort is going to change me. I feel like HOCD and everything doesn't matter..because according to my mind..ghosts can change your..yeah. i have been doing these rituals to avoid it being changed, I have been putting things in a specific order..I have been praying. But I can't shake off this fear. I could feel myself turning "not straight". I want to cry. I want to escape this. But no matter what I turn to..nothing is working.

Is this still HOCD, just playing new pranks on me? Why? Just why? I almost feel like I have to go to a psychic or something. I want to be straight. I really do. But gah!!

Yatakim wrote:Then as usual, my mind goes crazy and starts to say "OOH it's going to happen! It's going to happen! I bet ghosts can change your sexuality!!! Oooooohhhhh!!"

Help Me.

Oh my goodness the empathy. The empathy. Please don't take this the wrong way, but this sort of thing is so like me that while reading your post I burst out laughing at the mirror of my own absurd sexual / supernatural obsessions.

You're a rational person, so I'm sure that a part of you still knows that ghosts cannot change your sexuality. Just like how a smarter part of me always knew my not closing the bedroom door 'properly' at night would not cause my girlfriend to be molested by the ghost of positivist philosopher Bertrand Russel in her sleep. (I am not kidding, that is an actual thing I was once terrified of.)

Regardless, you don't need a psychic. Whether you believe in them or not, most people don't understand mental illness, and they'll probably say something foolish and trigger you. You need to find a good psychologist. One who is trained in CBT, and advertises experience in anxiety disorders or OCD.

I'm happy to advise you on how to go about that, or even just commiserate if it helps. But either way, from one obsessive to another: stay strong, it is exactly as absurd as it seems.