I am a 19yo guy, and currenty I am very anxious and depressed, huge chest pain and fear that seem to be stuck.. I don't like this anymore and I really, really want to go back to being just normal.. like others.. Or at least get some hope or something.. I hope someone will read this..
Im gonna detail this as much as I can, with some things I never said to anyone before. I really do hope someone will have time to read all of this
Here we go !First Part :
6 months ago, I was with my girlfriend, let's call her 4th. We had beend in a relationship for about 6 months (longest relationship I ever had). One day, I dreamed about my ex, let's call her 3rd. In the dream, someone had used Black Magic on her and she became in love with him. Now I know, 90% of you don't believe in Black Magic, but in my religion/country, it actually exists. So just bare with me please. Woke up the next morning and I was terrified, and a lot of questions started to invade my brain. Questions like :
- What If she'll use Black Magic on me?
- What if she'll make me leave my current girlfriend 4th?
- What if she'll make me "un-love" 4th?
- I think I love 3rd.. (Which was not true, i totally hated her)
The questions and thoughts invaded, I started googling and stuff for days and I stayed for days and days in my home, not going to school just because Im scared Im gonna see my ex 3rd and something will happen etc.. This fear and anxiety and thoughts and questions stayed with me for about 2 months, they litterally locked me to my home and the funny thing is that, all along, I knew that she can't do anything to me. I knew that all of this is illogical and will never happen, but the fear was so real that even If i found a counter-attack to all the thoughts, something new will come and will restart everything..
Second Part :
Obviously, the fear of my ex and Black Magic affected my relationship with 4th.. It was difficult to maintain a good environment with her while I was having those thoughts about my ex.. Suddenly, I am no more afraid of my ex, but new thoughts and fear came.
Here are some :
- Do I love my girlfriend (4th) ?
- Is this relationship valid?
- Are we gonna stay forever?
- Do I really care about her?
- What if I don't love her anymore?
A whole bunch of questions and doubts that are, as I have read in many many articles, anormal and unhealthy.. It was all good and suddenly I don't love her? I have read hundreds of articles about (R)OCD and many advises, heck I even bought a simple book about it. When I was reading about this type of OCD, I was happy.. Relieved and reassured that I wasn't the only one who had this thoughts and doubts about his own girlfriend.. I even cried in many occasions and felt like I am a really really asshole dude.. The thing that made it really worst, is that I started to get mad at her with NO REASON AT ALL, she might even just say "I missed you" and I would get mad.. It lasted for about 2 months too, some days I wouldn't go out for school, just staying home, anxious and depressed etc.. When I went outside sometimes, my mind would tell me that I find this girl beautiful and attractive and this would give me more certainty that I don't love my girlfriend anymore..
Ended up breaking up with her because I was just making her suffer, days later, the thoughts stopped and I felt relieved.. But later on, some guilt came etc and you know the rest..
Third Part :
~Background~
I always liked to have a girlfriend/wife, I was watching a LOT of romantic movies where a couple end up happily ever after, I masturbated (sorry if this is not appropriated..) 98% of the time on straight and lesbian videos, the remaining 2% were on Gay or Zoophile. I myself find this very weird, but I think some detailed background is needed.. When I was very little, like reaaaally little, I would say 12 yo, me and my cousin played with each other but at that age, our penises is like 2cm long haha It never happened again and we both forgot about it, it was just a curiosity strike or something. I also fingered myself 5-6 times to masturbate, but that was a very long time too and It never happened again too.. After all this weird stuff, I still wanted a girlfriend and I got one at the age of 17 and It was beautiful and I never ever tried something weird after that. I enjoyed every kiss I gave to all my girlfriends etc..
~Problem~
So 3-4 weeks ago, the thought of me being Gay came to my mind. And yes you guessed it, it sticked around and the episode started all over again.. Endless thoughts and doubts and anxiety.. Some of the questions/doubts were :
- Whats if Im gay?
- What if I enjoyed every weird thing I did back then? (See Background)
- What if I was always gay, that's why I stayed until 17 to get my first girlfriend?
- Maybe I was always gay because I hate beautiful girls?
-> I hate beautiful girls, I do but like, I can't trust them because they are beautiful and, since I have S.A.D and I have been watching a lot of girls act etc, I am actually afraid of every human...
Anyway, I would go out and then my eyes look at a guy and then my mind goes like "You liked him, didn't you?" "See, you are gay".. The thoughts went away (like 80%) for about 2 weeks and yesterday they came back and they scared the $#%^ out of me, using my Background again..
Am I really gay because of what I did? I mean, I never thought of the idea of me being with a guy, or a guy being my boyfriend or something, I always runned away from those kind of jokes. I do make gay-jokes (no hate for gays i swear, I had some gay-friends !) but those were just jokes.. I had, like 4-5 times images of me getting ###$ but they go away very fast and I disliked them the second they came. Watching movies, I always skip the gay porn part (If there was) and actually watch the straight porn part (or sexy moments, girl and boy not gay).
But the idea of me being Gay is so real that im actually afraid that i'll turn gay just by having these thougts.. that im gonna figure out that I was gay all these years... It's not even good to be gay in my religion/country, they litterrally can kill you lol. I am afraid of being/turning gay, Im not afraid of coming out of the closet or whatever you call it, I don't like the idea of me being gay I do want a normal logical life.. But these thoughts are so real that it really messes me up..
So, please, to the few people (or none lol) that took time and read all of this, what exactly am I dealing with? Is this OCD? Or am I just paranoid? Or it's nothing and im just gay? I still have hope because when I was afraid of Black Magic, the fear was real but nothing happened so I guess it's the same thing? Same goes with my girlfriend 4th (which now is my ex..), I heard that she was gonna be in the same event where I was gonna be and in that day, I spent all my time looking for her..
Bonus : Psychiatrist visit
~This was before my "im gay" thoughts/fear~
I finally got a lot of courage and told my parents that I needed a psy. The reason I had to get a lot of courage to tell them, it's because my relationship with my parents is really not easy, and I blame myself for it. I got an appointment.
I had written all my thoughts and my problems in a little journal so that he can read it, because I literraly can't talk.. (due to my Social anxiety disorder I guess). Anyway I arrived at him, sat down and then he asked me what's wrong, I told him please read the 4 first pages of the journal and he refused.. He said that I had to tell him, oral.. Well since I suck at Oral, I only told him 50% of the problems.. He said that I have Social anxiety disorder, Depression and Anxiety (I told him that I had obsessive thoughts about Black Magic etc).. He prescribed me 3 meds and.. I didn't take them because I didn't even like the dude..
So there it is, all of it in one single post. I really hope someone will take the time and read/answer because I really am alone and hopeles.. Thank you so much for this forum !
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