Harm/self harm ocd becoming emotionless

Hi my name is Eric I'm 21 years old and I am wondering if anyone on this fourm has gone through what I'm going through. First off i was diagnosed with harm ocd last August and it's been hell up until about two days ago. Now I feel emotionless and like I have no remorse. I don't know if this is because my grandmother died last week or if this is my brain trying to give me a break from the constant anxiety or if I am showing my true colors. What I mean by showing my true colors is what if the all the specialists I've seen over the past year and all the trips to the psych ward were wrong. What if I am a killer/rapist/suicidal/pedophile. I literally feel nothing the thoughts come but I'm responding differently to them I used to feel disgusted or guilty or even sometimes cry but now I just feel like I don't care if I hurt someone or myself I feel like I've finally been broken. I've been to the psych ward seven times this year and I confess to them and they just send me home the same day. The one time i called 911 and had the first arriving officer put me in handcuffs. On top of this I have constant racing thoughts about everything and I'm constantly daydreaming about me being happy or successful which might sound good if your in pain but I can't control my daydreams anymore it's like I'm escaping to a place in my mind because I can't get ahold of my illness whatever illness it may be. Even as I write this I truly don't know who I am or what I'm capable of. I don't want to be crazy or hurt anyone but again even as I write this I feel nothing no guilt or sadness or crying anymore what have I become ? Is this how murders are made ? I don't have the money to run back to the psych ward again it costs around 200 dollars with my insurance every time I do and I tell them everything and they just tell me I'm not severe enough and "it's just thoughts" but it's not just thoughts it's urges and images and constant despair. So please if anyone has experienced similar problems please please message me I would greatly appreciate your input or advice

It's a backdoor spike, where you're worried about not being worried.