Severe HOCD or denial

Hello,

Firstly, excuse me for any flaws in my English writing.

I'm a 16 (almost 17) year old male. A month ago I had a gay thought pop into my head of 2 guys being together. I suddenly got a big anxiety spike and got really scared when I thought "What if I find that attractive / arousing?" and "What if I'm gay?!". I still managed to tell myself that this will be gone the next morning and managed to fall asleep. But I was very wrong and the torture began. The next day I started googling my problem and found HOCD. I felt relieved, I finally found out what it was and I told myself "See, you're not gay." It worked. For 15 minutes. Shortly after, I was so anxious, depressed and scared I had to tell someone as I could not cope with my horrible feelings. I told my mother and grandma. My mom tried to calm me down by saying that she never saw any gayness in me and never suspected I could be gay. But she said that even if I was I would have to accept it and there would be nothing wrong with it. But I didn't even want to hear the last line, although she calmed me down for a short while. How can I accept something I don't want to be and never were? I am 100% sure I never was gay, never had gay thoughts, feelings, never got aroused by men, always watched straight porn, looked at girls, even had a girl crush from my school when I was 14, and I always only hung out with male friends. I was always too shy to even talk to girls. But since the day this started, I started doubting everything.

Every day I would check out every guy I saw on TV, the internet, on the street, to check for arousal or attraction. And I still have no idea what I was. I could only sit on the couch all day and thing about "Am I gay/bi?". I was so depressed for a week. I spent whole days thinking and crying. At some points I was 100% that I was gay and the anxiety was even worse. I even started getting groinal responses when checking. I watched gay porn once, to see that I do not get aroused, but I think that I maybe felt an erection, I can't even remember anymore, I quickly turned it off as I got a huge spike and the anxiety got even worse after that.

After a week of crying, my mother called the doctor. She sent me to a psychologist, who told my mother I had OCD after I told him about everything. He then sent me to a psychiatrist who I had to tell everything too and she put me on medication. I've been taking 50mg of Sertraline for a month now. I've been on vacation for 10 days with my family, on the seaside, and although I still checked every guy I saw, I felt like I can forget it much quicker and felt much less anxiety. I still wasn't sure what I am, though. I could do things I liked again and the depression was mostly gone. For the last week, I'm home again, and I feel like it has gotten worse again. For the past 2 days I have intrusive thoughts more often again, and at some point I felt like I was 100% gay again after checking. I started to read the forums for reassurance again, as I found myself in all of these HOCD posts. But this only helped at the start. I don't know what I am or what I'm feeling anymore. I just don't want to be gay or bi.

I started doubting that I have OCD too and that it's just an excuse for not accepting the truth. And I thought to myself "What if I am just homophobic or scared of the society?". But I don't want this to be the reason. I just simply don't want to be gay. But my mind is telling me that I am. The past day I've even had a thought about being transgender (TOCD) and got another spike. Why do I have to have these thoughts? I feel like crying writing this . I just want to be my old self again. I tried saying to myself that this is all just OCD and it's not real, but it feels so real I can't help it. My psychologist showed me exercises for autogenic training, so I can relax. But when I have a spike I can't do it, I just keep thinking about being gay. Sometimes I felt like I will go crazy because of the thoughts.

During this I've also had an anxiety spike when I heard quiet distant sounds and thought that they were not there. But they were. I think this is called ShizOCD. Then once, I was looking at a little girls and thought "Why am I looking at her? Did I just check her out? Am I a pedophile?" (POCD). Also, just once, I was in panic when I thought "What if I want to kill myself or somebody else?" (Harm OCD). Before all of this started, I always had fears of me or my close ones having cancer or a deadly disease, every time I found some little lump or something on my body. Also, every time I touched something, I thought my hands were dirty and had to wash them before I did something else, but I never thought this could be OCD and it didn't really take my time or bother me. I probably have a milder version of Social anxiety aswell, because I never feel comfortable talking in front of people I don't know well, as I feel like they will think I am weird or awkward and that they will laught at me.

My mother was on anti-depressants after the divorce and my dad's stroke (thankfully well and improving). My brother says he has an abnormal amount of anxiety and wants anti-depressants, but it's not very severe. My cousin had social anxiety and she thought she is going to die and took anti-depressants. My grandma is an alcoholic and told me she was depressed and had suicidal thoughts.

What do you guys think? Should I feel no response and reassurance after checking? Because I don't and checking just makes it worse if I get groinal responses. Am I gay in denial? I feel like I couldn't live with that and that that isn't really me.

Thanks for any answers.

p.s. I know I'm just looking for reassurance, which is not going to help in the long run, but I just have to write this. When I read or write about OCD I feel like I have it and I'm not really gay. Sorry for the wall of text.

Also, I've lost my attraction to girls. I always wished I had a girlfriend and some day maybe kids, but now, even if I see the hottest girl I don't really feel anything, but I wish I did. And when I try to imagine or check pictures of a girl and then of a guy after, I feel like I liked the guy more, but really don't want to and I always get a spike like that. Also I read that people with HOCD feel attracted to every guy they see, but I don't know if this is true for me. I do check and spike on a lot of guys, but I feel like I don't on some and that worries me that I really am gay, because I mostly spike on muscular guys and I feel like I feel attraction to some "sexy guy" pictures on google. Or are these all fake attractions and feelings? Because I don't want them. I'm really scared of a life style that I don't want, but would be forced to me.

yeah, i have the same problem as you and ive been a straight girl all my life and i got HOCD my freshman year. i can relate to everything happening to you. nothing there indicates youre bi. if you ask bisexual people how they knew, they would say it would feel right and know it instantly. but OCD sufferers, for instance, dont enjoy those thoughts. you dont enjoy them, even if your OCD tells you so. everything happening to you is all because of the HOCD. i see youre trying to distract the gay feeling with other mental illnesses and i can totally understand/relate to that because HOCD is just the freaking worst/: im kinda depressed from it right now. i believe HOCD is the worst type of OCD. ive had these scary thoughts of me being trans too. but the best thing to do is to just leave the thoughts be. and i know its hard because it feels so realistic. but youre almost 17, which is a strong indication youre not bisexual/gay and that its just OCD. no one wakes up in the morning at the age of 17 and says "hey, im gay!" its scary for me too because i started having these thoughts when i was 14 and it sounds like im bisexual cause its a young age. and its so complicated because im a girl and girls are sexualized in media so much.. ive liked boys all my life and never payed attention to girls but i did dress like a boy when i was little, so thats scary because it could indicate me not being straight.. all these people coming out and everyones starting to have these weird a*s pronouns. more girls are finding out theyre bi/gay and that scares me tf out. so yeah, i can understand what youre going through. i feel like my HOCD is just an excuse for me being bisexual, but i dont have a homophobic atmosphere at all. heck, a third of girls that i know arent straight. so why am i afraid of being bi? because it makes me uncomfortable and anxious and i feel like i could throw up at the thought of being with a girl. like whenever i have a gay thought my mind develops this gag reflex, except its with my thoughts. the reflex instantly denies the thought because i know thats not me. ive lost attraction to my male friends and that sucks. i was really depressed on my vacation so thx HOCD.. when you saw a therapist, they reccommended you meds and i dont think thats the answer. i would never take meds if my therapist reccommended it. i think it helps to talk it out with a therapist. whenever i talk it out with my mom i feel better or when i hang out with my friends. one of the best things you can do with yourself about the HOCD is keep in touch with your male friends and expose yourself to being around them. itll rid of your social and sexual orientation fears for a while, but not permanently. just drop everything in your head and meditate. excersize. do anything but isolate yourself(: i know one way out of HOCD. its called ERP (exposure response therapy). you may have heard of it and even im too scared to do it because its harmful to your mind. is basically pulling the bad thoughts in so it reduces the anxiety. its like watching a scary movie over and over again to get used to the feel, but ALSO, ridding of the fear. but i would say to wait until you see what your therapist reccommends for you besides meds. itll get better, we're all supporting each other((::

So, for the past 2 days I really don't know anymore. When I think about being with a guy I just don't feel anything anymore, it's like I could do it, but I don't want to. Then I think about being with a girl and I don't feel much either. I just don't feel anything any longer. I really don't know anymore. Also I started thinking that I would like the feeling if a guy would try anal sex on me. I hate this thought and I'm crying over it for the past 2 days as it really makes me think I'm gay. I feel like I will never forget this thought and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. Why don't I feel disgust or something like I used to before this started. Now I just feel like I would be okay with being with a guy, but I really don't want to. I don't know what to do anymore.

Also, it feels more and more real. I hate it. Right now it really just feels like I have to accept it and I will be ok, but then I think how gay stuff is disgusting and don't want it, but then I feel like it's not and I would be ok with it, but I really don't want it. I can't live with all these doubts crossing my mind 24/7. My thought process is this right now:
- think about if I would like it
- think that maybe I could, but I don't want it
- get every thought and feeling I don't want
- get a panic attack, because it feels like denial
- if I don't want it it means I'm not?
- get panic attack because maybe I want it
- I have no idea what I'm feeling anymore
- I can't live like this, I will go crazy
- beg my brain to stop doing this to me
- cry and think how good life was when I knew I was straight
...

At the start I could tell it's probably OCD, because I felt uncomfortable when I imagined me touching a man, now it's really hard to tell what is real and what is not. I just don't know what I feel anymore.

I know how you feel. Something that just starts off as intrusive thoughts evolves into something that feels much more real, and everything becomes fuzzy. I wish I could be myself again too. I've also cried a lot. Had a lot of breakdowns. Even thought of suicide. But if we seek out help, maybe find some CBT or ERP, things are bound to be back the way they were before. Just know youre not alone.

Thanks for answering. I am on Zoloft for a bit over a month now, and after a week or so, I felt better for a week, but now I'm back at the start. I just highered my dose to 75mg, but I'm starting to doubt that medication can even help me and maybe I was just better for some time because I was in even bigger denial. I'm yet to start with CBT, but when I tried once with looking at nude pictures of men, I don't know what I felt, I'm scared that if I do it I will find out that I'm actually gay or bi. I don't have anything against gays, but when I think about me being one just doesn't feel like me and I don't want it, but then again I think that I'm maybe scared of society and I don't want this to be the reason.
My worst thought is receiving anal sex and feeling like I would like it. Then I think I must be gay or bi, otherwise I wouldn't think that. I know that if I wrote this on any other site, like Yahoo or something I would get an instant response "You are gay, because you wouldn't feel that otherwise." and I'm scared that it's true.

I understand. I get sensations that trick me into thinking I might like it too. And it makes self-ERP really hard. Just remind yourself it's only anxiety. it seems real, but it's not real. But it wants you to think that it is. It wants control. Don't give it control.

Thanks for bothering to reply. I'm trying my best to keep it together, but I feel like I'm losing it. Trying to look back when I knew I was straight, but then I read that your sexuality can change at this age (17) and someone in some chat said that his did. Don't want to believe it I feel like everyone that actually has HOCD knows it, and they are sure they aren't bi or gay, but I really can't tell anymore.

Thats a lie. Sexual orientation does not change. People who claim to have changed are actually:

1. They were always that sexual orientation and never realized.

2. They were always bisexual or homoflexible and never realized.

Once an orientation is set, it shouldnt "change."