Relationships and OCD...

I'm engaged to the most wonderful woman on the planet. Like some people on here, I frequently feel like she deserves better...because of the evil, twisted thoughts in my head. Among other OCD-related issues, I worry about being unfaithful (i.e., did I look at another girl the wrong way?, was I flirting?, etc.). Sometimes, these worries are purely based on thoughts I have in my head, rather than something I may have done. And one of the worst types of recurring thoughts has to do with an ex of mine. It is mental torture. It's hell. But they wont' go away. I'm going back to my psychologist and am going to start seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow. But I wanted to talk with fellow-OCD-fighters, as well.

These thoughts about my ex won't go away. 24/7, they're there. And it's horrible. What makes it worse: my main compulsion is confessing to my fiance for a reassurance. Today, I did a "data-dump" to her and told her everything under the sun (which I've kept under control for some time). That's when I realized I needed to seek medicinal help.

Nonetheless, the specific thoughts that prompted me to post were as follows... Tonight, my fiance and I were watching Real Housewives (guys, don't laugh at that). Sometimes, it's difficult to watch because the ex (referenced above) passed herself off as high-maintenance, rich, slutty, and a b*tch (like many of the housewives). So, I think my mind automatically associates the type of people (my fiance is nothing like that). Well, one of the women on the show is marrying a guy who has slept with a few of her friends. I started thinking of a time when that ex asked me how many people I'd slept with. And then I started wondering, if I had slept with any of her friends and she confronted me about it, how I would've reacted. And that proverbial stomach knot began because the context was centered around the ex and not my fiance. Just has me down and depressed, and now I feel like I have to confess.

Another situation on the show (please bear with me): one of the girls is 50-some-odd years old and trying to work out and be healthy to be in a fitness competition. She ordered some healthy food and one of the other girls was like, "what the hell for at this point in life?" Then, I noticed that same girl was wearing the same dress as in another episode, and I started thinking of how that ex mentioned only wearing things once. And I guess I started thinking of how these women live and how my fiance and I were just sitting on the couch watching them, and I thought: "I guess I've always wanted more." Messed me up because I related the thought to my fiance; like it was a shot at her; like I wanted more than her. Kills me inside.

Just looking for some motivation, guidance, or maybe just a "I know what you mean" or "been there." I know it's reassurance--and that's not good for any of us in this fight--but it would certainly help right now. Thanks for taking the time to read.

My humble advice: keep working with your doctor and please don't waste your time comparing your life to a reality show. Those shows are all arranged, scripted, or otherwise fake....creating needless drama for the sake of creating it. None of them are going to be remembered when looking back on television's history.

Your life is worth so much more than that. I am willing to bet that your fiancé loves you and cares for you more than you give yourself credit for. And I certainly don't mean that as a put down...been there, done that.

Hang in there, you'll work it out.