How to support a long-distance friend?

It's a long story but my best friend fo 16 years has OCD. I live in the UK and he lives in the US (where I'm originally from) . So what's the best way to support him? I'm the only friend he's got left and it really hurts to see him in so much pain (mostly not letting go of things that happened in the past). The problem is that he disappears from time to time, we lose contact from a couple of days to 6 -9 months. I'm never judgemental and I'm always there for him, as I am in his own words the only constant in his life. I just I knew how to help / support him better.



Thanks for your replies!

Is this an official Dx of OCD? Does he display OCD behaviour besides regret? Assuming that's what you mean by not letting go of the past.

Yes, he's been diagnosed for at least 10 years, probably more. It's not so much regret (he does have it but he never mentions it). It's more like anger when he thinks about the past and it's always a cycle. There's also this girl he's been fixated on for like 15 years, she even got a restraining order against him. He also sometimes remembers things and amplifies them. For example, he might say I was a bad friend in high school even though when he's out of that "cycle" , he might say I'm the best thing that has happened to him. He also has some fetishes. In the meantime, while he's not talking to me, I'm just sending him an email everyday , hoping that he'll remember that he's not alone. Although, he knows I'll always be there for him, I just don't quite udnerstand why he disappears.

I really don't know of anything except ofc to be available when he needs an ear.

Sounds almost to me, as if there's more going on there than only OCD....

What else could it be? He does suffer from anxiety and depression but I always thought everything was linked back to his OCD.

Bunch of us here with OCD (myself included but to be fair it's not an official Dx) and this is the first I've heard of someone getting a restraining order against them.... I mean yeah we obsess but... *shrugs* And the whole bad friend/good friend thing. I don't know. I'd like to see some of our really tough OCD cases weigh in, see what they have to say.

The fixations on people could well be limerence?

I think in 14-15 years it never moved past that stage. Considering how much hate he has towards a good chunk of the world (when he's not being his "calmer" version) and even then he never speaks badly of her. However he might still have resentment (momentarily of course) toward the other "two loves of his life".

First off, good on you for wanting to be a good friend.

If it's an official diagnosis, I'd trust it. OCD is weird, and many people have symptoms that fall well outside the usual categories of "checker", "germaphobe", etc. I have an acquaintance who obsesses about his high school tennis coach, who was a prick. He actually has a restraining order on him to. And while I believe obsessive compulsives are less likely to be violent then the gen. pop outbursts of anger are not uncommon, especially for PANs types, who can have rage fits, or those undergoing a period of chronic stress. People are people.

Alright, but onto your wonderful question. As a person whose OCD fluctuates wildly in severity, and who spends some months of the year in a basically sub-human state, what I appreciate most from my friends is just that they don't forget me. Being trapped in your own head can be very isolating, so it makes my week when people find ways to let me know that just because I've vanished into my home doesn't mean they've forgotten about me. The world doesn't just go on, per se.

So I have one friend who finds dumb reasons to strike up an Facebook chat conversation, when it's obvious she just wants to check in. (I once straight up cried when she messaged me to recommend a video game mod.) Another who lets me bitch about meds to her. Just knowing that people remember I exist, and don't think of my OCD as something weird or taboo, is a huge thing when I'm out in the OCD wilds.

So try just striking up conversation, as best you can, and give your friend occasional chances to grab a line. There's no guarantee he feels at all like I do, and if his OCD is wildly bad that day he might be late responding, but you lose nothing by finding out -- and if you're lucky you might turn around his day once or twice.

EDIT: As for being the only constant in his life, kudos to you, but that's a lot of pressure for any one people. Does he a medical support network, such a therapist, etc?

Thanks Bert!

Of the times that we've openly discussed his OCD he's mentioned those random check in's mean a lot to him. For the most part, he never replies (he'll just show as online one day on Skype or he might send me a random WhatsApp message). He has his mom, dad , and brother. I don't know to what extent they support him as I know his mom just left and went on a vacation because she couldn't take it any longer. He had a therapist at some point I'm not sure if he still sees her . He's unemployed. received royalties from a couple of books he wrote but that's not enough to pay his medical bills. The funny thing is that the last time I saw him in person was more than 5 years ago. I remember a couple of times when he just didn't want to see me . and as much I support him, he also supports me, he is my closest friend after all . My dear uncle also had OCD and he died alone I don't want the same for my friend. Sometimes I feel like the only way to make that a reality is to become his "carer" (for lack of a better word). I've apologized for not having the guts to do it.