Reaction to my pocd troubles! Help please!

Last year around June 2015, I experienced my first unwanted intrusive thoughts about children. The intrusion was a fear and doubt to myself. I asked is there something deep down inside me that could be a pedophile. I was confused as to why this suddenly appeared in my life. I never had sexual images of kids just the idea and question what if I'm a pedophile. I started getting this fear every time I encountered kids. Whether it was on tv or in person. This lasted for about four months. I fought everyday to overcome it because I know that I'm not that type of person. I've would never harm a child it goes against my morals and who I am as a person. One day in late October I became so upset with the pocd ruining my life I decided to experiment in my mind. I produced a sexual fantasy in my mind with a child to see if I would get aroused. So I tested myself to check for arousal and thankfully I was not aroused at all nor did I get any kind of groinal response. I looked at it as facing my fear head on to test myself and look deep inside myself. Once this was done all questions, fears, and doubts about being a pedophile were gone and they have not emerged anymore. However the only thing bothering me severely after it was done is the guilt and shame I have experienced for putting those images in my mind when I was testing myself. The guilt and shame I have experienced has ruined my life. It's preventing me from being at peace and happiness. I have lost myself I haven't been my best in over a year. I am going to visit a therapist soon. I hope to get a response from anybody that's gone through the same thing. I feel alone and hurting real bad. I would love some help and chat with people who have gone through the same thing. Any feedback will be helpful.

They're just thoughts, nothing more. There's nothing to feel horrid about. I'm glad you were able to put your POCD fears to rest so easy- usually checking is the last thing anyone needs to do and most ppl struggle mightily with it. It does sound as if you've exchanged one obsession for the other- again, you jus thought thoughts. No one was harmed. try to let it go, sweetie.

Letting it go is the goal. I'm just trying to be at permanent peace with it. I guess what bothers me is being out in public or in a social setting, being around people knowing I constructed a sexual thought about a kid. I fear other people's reaction. It's hard to function around people knowing what I did. I'm making more peace within myself, but how do I go on in my life surrounded by happy normal people? I fear I'm the only one who's done this in my small town I live in and have no one to speak to. Other than my therapist.

Have to let it go, yes. And you did NOTHING but think. Remember that.

hi. i have ocd and experience intrusive thoughts like this sometimes. it's just the disorder, not you. when you get an intrusive thought about, say, jumping out of a moving car, it leaves you feeling uncomfortable and afraid. these pocd thoughts give you the same sensation. all intrusive thoughts are like this, as annoying as they are.
you're not a pedophile. you're far from it, actually. even just thinking about it leaves you feeling afraid - what kind of pedophile would feel that?
trust me, you're not alone when it comes to this. you're doing ok.

Your thoughts don't make you a bad person. You're not bad simply for thinking something. I bet that every single person has thought horrible things, your friends, your relatives, your coworkers, everyone. That doesn't make them bad people, it's human.

Things like this are extremely common with POCD. I've read about people who test themselves in similar ways on a daily basis because they still can't figure it out (this is because sometimes the body can have a response to any kind of sexual thought even if the person doesn't want it or enjoy it at all. Also, some people test themselves while masturbating which is unreliable because the body is already aroused and that won't necessarily stop immediately).

I am actually going through something very similar where I'm over all my main obsessions yet still obsessing over what people would think of my past thoughts and checking compulsions (I've definitely had some which could seem a lot more alarming than yours). It's good that you figured out so easily that your fear was irrational. Now you just need to focus on treating this new obsession. I guess the way forward would be to stop engaging with the thoughts and analysing them. Maybe speak to a therapist for help with this or buy a self help book about OCD if you feel you can't get through it by yourself.

You truly have nothing to feel guilty about.

Thanks for all the great post everybody, good luck and God bless on your battle I'm here to chat if yall need to, your not alone.Every reply is true and just need to focus on everything said. Don't matter what the enemy says. I've started to understand other people's opinion or perception won't matter. Making peace with ourselves is the only thing that matters. Considering our problems are in the mind were only hurting ourselves and it must stop. I realize some days might be up and down for a while. We must focus on the truth. Any kind of intrusion that's not us is just an irrational fear that has nothing to do with who we are. Most people have them it's just us unique people who focus on it because of the conscience that we have. Eventually the guilt, shame, ocd or pocd will be subdued. Our minor temporary issues don't dictate who we are not determine who we are. Thank you all!