Is this POCD/Taboo or Am I A Pedophile?

Personally I'm no stranger to OCD. I've had alot of OCDs in the past, hypochondria, HOCD and now POCD. But whats really confusing me is the fact that i indulge in taboos. For example, I tend to get aroused by something like incest, even though I have no desire to have sex with my family members irl. Just the idea of it is arousing. Or bestiality can be arousing but I'm not really attracted to the dog, and I wouldn't want that irl. After the initial novelty of them wore off I didnt find them as attractive. But incest itself stayed quite attractive. *mod edit* I was more aroused by the idea of incest than the participants. I really started to experiment around high school, which was a very dark for me; crying every night, feeling so alone, so depressed etc. And because of this darkness, alot of anxiety and mental issues started to fester. For example, I used to have some hypochondria when I was younger, and it became especially pronounced during high school. I was always terrified of getting schizophrenia or a heart attack etc. I developed my own rituals for making myself feel better and had alot of anxiety. Eventually I developed HOCD, and did alot of rituals around that, and was very scared. Finally, I developed POCD(or atleast I thought it was).

There were around 3 "waves" of POCD. The first one was kinda a standard OCD if I remember correctly; It started when the thought popped in my head one day: What If I'm a pedophile?, then I started doing tons of rituals, imagining a child in my head and seeing if it aroused me, looking at children on the street to see if it aroused me. I didnt feel anything for children but it still festered. I was around 13 or 14 during the first wave, eventually I got over it myself with no medication or treatment.
The second wave happened when I was researching about asexuality because I thought I might be; I dont find shirtless men or women attractive per se, but heterosexual porn is very arousing. Anyways, I came across an article entitled "*mod edit*". This sparked an axiety and a curiosity like no other and I couldn't stop myself from clicking on the article. I was 16 at the time so this really scared me. The article talked about a 16 year olds struggle with his pedophillia. While I was reading the article I was essentially in an extremely panicked state, but personally I didn't relate to anything the boy said. At one point in the article though, he described in words what happened in one of his child porns, and it was extremely arousing to me. My mind was empty at the time I read it, but just the words were arousing. Thinking back to it, if such an event happened in real life, I probs would be more grossed out than aroused. This sparked the second wave, and during this I convinced myself that I'm attracted to the idea of child pornography but not to the children themselves. Ive had many weird and wacky taboos like bestiality, incest etc. But, for example in bestiality, I'm not sexually attracted to the dog but aroused by the Idea of it all. During this phase I noticed that I would blush or get a strange sensation in my penis(not arousal) when I would see children during my rituals, but i've heard that is a common manifestation of POCD, and is really just caused by anxiety and not sexual attraction. So after months of fighting these symptoms alone, I finally pushed them away and got back to my depressing lonely existence.

And Finally the third wave, this started very recently and was more of a build up over time. In recent months I had noticed that I started getting more and more POCD style thoughts in my head but fought them back using mental reassurances. I should also note that at times just reading the word child made me anxious and aroused, or hearing about pedophiles being arrested brought on that same unpleaseant, anxiety fueled arousal. I've been told that its common for people with POCD to develop a "fake" attraction to children that is fueled by anxiety and not actually real. So I was confident about that but still unsure of myself.

I read an article somewhere about attraction to children by accident and that sparked soo much anxiety and arousal that I feel back into the old habit of "checking" if I liked children. In the past I would check using non sexually suggestive pictures of children, and would sometimes feel a strong blushing sensation and no arousal and I convinced myself that that was caused by the lingering POCD. I also thought it may be because I thought of the kids as cute but not in a sexual way. But this time I typed into google images "kids in bathing suits" and saw alot of sexually suggestive pictures of 11 or 12 year old girls, *mod edit*. And at first I got aroused, and then the anxiety kicked in and killed any semblance of arousal. Even after I calmed down I looked at the same pictures and didnt feel arousal just a cold feeling in my chest. It was a very scary feeling for me and it took a few days to get ahold of myself and everytime I looked at the same pictures over and over again and I didn't feel the same arousal per se, although I didn't feel nothing. I was convinced that the anxiety was messing around with my true emotions.
So I decided to get high on kava(a tranquilising herb very similar to benzos but legal). And under the influence I tried masturbating and found I could get off to those little girls and found it very hot and arousing. It is then that I accepted that I was a Pedophile and after some crying for an hour or two, I finally accepted it. But later on I tried looking at those same pictures again(on the same kava high) and found they didn't arouse me that much. Maybe the fact that I gave in and made the pictures feel less forbidden made them less arousing? Maybe the kava wore off sufficiently to let the anxiety come back in and mess around with my feelings? But I was still pretty under the influence so I'm not sure. I also can't really see myself with a child, Like in a relationship. But then again, I can't see myself with anybody(except one special gay man in my life) so maybe thats just because of my introversion.

Is it possible that this also a sorta taboo esque thing? I mean I feel like it can't be because when I was aroused I was kinda paying attention to the butts of the little children so thats kinda like sexual attraction right? But then again just looking up this and not even looking at the pictures makes me anxious and aroused. A while ago I heard of a pedophile telling someone that they were just a straight person trying harder and harder taboos. And child sex is the biggest taboo in the world ofc. The most forbidden fruit of all, in our society anyways. Is it possible thats me? Or am I a pedophile? I feel like what I experience aptly describes sexual arousal, but maybe its just a taboo sort of thing? I've never personally felt sexually aroused by naked women or men but then again, I'm very introverted and I feel like I would have to get to know someone before I felt that way about them.

I should also mention that I've had alot of issues with my emotions and perceiving things as "cute". For example, I'm into emotional love songs and cute animals and stuff like that but ever since I was young I felt ashamed about it and suppressed those sort of feelings. The first time I kinda dug up those feelings is when i met a gay man who really encouraged me to open up about it but he also kinda associated that sort of emotion with sexual arousal(we had alot of sexual encounters that revolved around him being cute or me being cute etc..) So I'm not sure if that affects anything.

All in all, I'm feeling very confused and depressed. I feel like the term "pedophile" doesn't really fit me, but when I read posts in the paraphillia forums about other pedophiles I feel like I relate in every way. If I go back and reread the posts, however, I find I don't really relate that much. For example pedophiles keep saying they had their emotions since they were very young and they knew they liked children, and I can't relate to that at all. Pedophiles also say they have been sexually aroused by children irl, but I have never so I can't relate to that either. Heck, just typing this article is making me anxious and aroused, and its very distressing.

So what do you guys and girls think of my sexuality? Am I a pedophile? Or maybe just a confused non-pedophile?
Thanks to all again for getting through my wall of text lol.

Taboo can be very stimulating- I have several taboo fetishistic interests, such as (consensual) incest, etc. I don't think they're particularly disturbing, as long as a sense of perspective is kept- it's just a kink, that's all.

You're seeking reassurance when I think you really have the answers already- you know groinal sensations can be caused by extreme anxiety. You know fake sensations of pedophila can be produced.

I don't recommend getting high on anything- to me that always just seems to fuel OCD thoughts- too many times ppl on here have taken a drug which then convinced them they were whatever OCD theme they were struggling thru- and you can't trust your judgement (or your libido) when you're high. Inhibition goes out the window. Judgement go out the window. People find themselves turning onto things they never would if not high.

And ofc you can get sexually aroused by children, if you're intentionally thinking sexual thoughts and/or masturbating. I could make myself get off to nearly anything, I am convinced, if I really tried to. But I don't want to, so I don't.

You have to somehow separate the anxiety from what you really get off to, imo. I don't have HOCD, because when I think same-sex thoughts I'm excited and not at all upset at the thought- I'm upset over the potential consequences. But not the thing itself.

Ultimately I remain convinced we have to stop caring if we're going to do whatever our OCD is trying to make us afraid of doing or being, whether it's being Gay, Trans, Pedo, or harming others, becoming schizophrenic, etc. Worry about it when it happens is how I have to deal with my OCD themes.

Hi there

I also have POCD (I hope) and can relate to some things you said (relating to things that real pedos said etc). I also feel turned on sometimes by kids and I feel like a real pedo, still I want to be with an adult.. Feel free to message me so we can talk about it maybe?

P.S. I don't think you're a true pedophile. You sound OCD.

I think sometimes you can feel aroused without looking at anything. Sometimes I can be horny and don't have to look at anything to masturbate. If you are already aroused or on the brink of a horny time you can mistake that for being turned on by thoughts when in fact you were already turned on and just didn't realise it.