Absolutely bizarre behavior- is this OCD?

I've always had anxiety, but each therapist I go to gives me a different diagnosis- GAD, panic disorder, specific phobias, and OCD. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I may truly have OCD as I have so many weird behaviors (some that I've never even heard of amongst OCD sufferers).

My main fear is vomiting and gagging, but I've had issues with HOCD (afraid of becoming lesbian) and harm OCD (afraid I'll hurt others or myself) as well. Additionally, I pick my skin (I have acne) on a consistent basis and have been doing so for years.

Just some examples of (what I believe are) compulsions that I have:

-Need something in my mouth almost constantly- mints, gum, ginger candies- and can't leave the house without them. This has been existent since I was in about 3rd grade. If I don't have something in my mouth, I feel like I will gag and sometimes I actually will. This interferes with my life in more ways than you could imagine. Relationships, sports, etc.

-Must constantly have some kind of drink with me

-Popping pimples and digging at small impurities on my skin, creating even more problems. I have been doing this since elementary school.

-Unhealthy fixation with my skin, scouring the Internet for acne cures and spending a lot of time in front of the mirror.

The most problematic compulsion I have is the first one, as it wreaks havoc on my teeth, and I have no idea what the chemicals from gum and mints could be doing to my insides. It's additionally extremely problematic in my relationship, it makes me feel so weird and I try to spend time with my boyfriend without having anything in my mouth but I can't. You can imagine how that many affect things.

I had to quit sports because I could no longer be on the court without my gum or mints, and I was sick of hiding them away in wristbands and knee pads.

I know this is extremely abnormal behavior and that my compulsions are atypical for someone who may struggle with OCD (absence of checking, counting, tapping, etc).


I'm stuck and don't know what to do. I've went to therapists but none have truly worked when it comes to eliminating my awful compulsions. I find that even when I'm not anxious, I still do them subconsciously. I go through a pack of Altoids a day.

Any advice? Feeling pretty stuck and slightly insane

I'm 17, by the way.

Hello,

Really sorry to hear that you have to be going through all of this. OCD is difficult to deal with at first, especially when you're a teenager. However, I can assure you that with time, you will learn to identify your intrusive thoughts and compulsions and you will get better with dealing with them
Reading your post reminded me of myself in my teenage years very much. My teenage years with OCD was pure horror. I didn't even know what was happening to me, I thought I was going crazy.
The fear of vomiting that you described is called emetophobia. I didn’t experience such a fear, but I sometimes feel nauseous on a crowded bus. However, there was a time when I absolutely needed to carry a bottle of water with myself. And then, after I almost passed out after not having eaten breakfast, I also started carrying food with me, for "emergency cases". Of course, no such cases ever happened And I also have acne, but thankfully, I don’t pick on it. Instead, I pick on my ingrown hair. It’s really annoying.
But research on the condition has helped me a lot. I suggest you read as much as you can on OCD and the specific types of it (in your case HOCD). When you gain knowledge about your condition, you will also gain power to take control over it.
You mentioned that you went to a few therapists. Did they prescribe you some medication? Are you now regularly attending any therapy sessions?
I see one mistake you made. You said that "none [of the therapists] have truly worked when it comes to eliminating [your] awful compulsions". No therapist is able to eliminate your obsessions or compulsions. They don't have the power to do all the work of curing you. They're only there to guide you through your condition. I cannot underline enough how important it is not to expect from anybody to cure you. Only you have the power to cure yourself.
I suggest you help yourself by doing some CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) excercises. I have a book on it, and it has helped me on especially difficult times. The main principle of CBT is setting yourself two fixed times a day on which you allow yourself to think about your obsessive thoughts for about 10 minutes each time. Afterwards you do some relaxation excercises. It is difficult at first, but after a week or so you get used to the rhythm and won't even notice how you stop worrying inbetween those times. I strongly suggest you look CBT up on the Internet or buy a similar book with excercises. You need to learn how to help yourself and not rely on others all the time

I hope this helps you at least a little. If you have any further questions, don't hesitate to ask

Hello! Thanks for your post

A lot of what you're experiencing stands out to me. I have emetophobia, the fear of vomiting that stella55 mentioned--I've had it since about third grade as well I'm in therapy and luckily, like most other phobias, it's something that you can work through (or at least work on so that the level of anxiety you feel when you feel like you may vomit is much lower and much more tolerable).

We can't diagnose on this site, but I'd urge you to look up dermotillomania, which is a condition that often coexists with OCD. When I was younger, I would spend HOURS every day just staring closely at my pores in the mirror and picking nonstop with needles and other instruments. It's definitely a type of compulsion.

I've found that the hardest part of OCD is seeing your obsessions/compulsions as "OCD" if it doesn't involve hand washing or repetition or any "classic" OCD. My obsessions and compulsions are pretty different from the normal OCD narrative and it took me a year and a half to even start seeing "Oh, ______ was the obsession and _______ was the compulsion so I guess it may be OCD." However, don't let that trip you up--OCD comes in many different types of obsessions and many different types of compulsions. If it helps, you can identify your obsession (ex. fear of gagging/throwing up) and the compulsion (ex. always having mints, going through a pack of Altoids a day, not being able to play sports because of the mints, having problems in a relationship because of it). For a while I was convinced that if I had an apple and water it would keep me from throwing up (but I was afraid I wouldn't make it to the kitchen if I was about to throw up) so every night I HAD to have an apple on my bedstand and was convinced that if I didn't have it there I'd throw up and potentially die.

So the exciting news is that your behavior isn't COMPLETELY bizzare! I'd urge you to keep checking out therapy and look for a therapist who will identify work through your phobias and obsessions (gagging, being lesbian, self-harming) with the goal of stopping those compulsions and letting you live a much more anxiety-free life. I hope this is helpful! You can always respond or PM me if you wanna talk more!