OCD and uncertainty about porn

Hi all

Although I'm not very active on this forum, I often lurk around when I'm having a hard time, since there are a lot of really helpful threads. So thank you for that!

Anyways, on to the point. So my friends and I finally all got vacation and we've decided to go out tomorrow for some drinks and a good time. However, as it happens a lot of the time when I'm supposed to go out and have fun, my OCD has decided to bother me and this whole day has been a nightmare, and I have done nothing but sleep and lie in bed. Those two things are the clearest indicators that my OCD is "winning".

So most of my fears - as you guys can probably tell from my earlier threads - revolves around the fear of having hurt somebody sexually. Today, when I woke up, I scrolled through facebook and I noticed this post from a national newspaper about girls on a festival being videotaped while peeing (without their consent) and then the people who taped it uploaded it to different pornsites. Now this scared me and triggered my OCD, not because I watch these kinds of movies, but because I asked myself "well if these videos are being put up there without the girls' consent, are there any other illegal videos on these sites and what if I have watched some illegal videos without knowing?". This thought scared the $#%^ out of me. Now these thoughts are not new to me, and they have bothered me a lot in the past.

The thing is, mostly I just watch regular porn, but I have also watched some fantasy videos. For example I remember watching some "rape-fantasy" videos a few years back. Now obviously I would never rape a woman. Actually one of my biggest fears is to hurt a woman sexually, so just the thought of doing that is often killing me, however the fantasy in itself sometimes turns me on. Now here is the problem: how can I be certain that this "fantasy-video" that I watched was in fact a fantasy? How can I be sure that this woman wasn't actually being raped? The fact is that I can't, simply because I don't remember the videos and I would have no idea how to find them anymore. But the uncertainty is absolutely killing me.

I have always been VERY aware of what I've been watching in relation to porn, even before my OCD decided to go crazy. I would never in a million years search for anything illegal or something where another person is being hurt, but what if I did in unintentionally? I could really use some help by you guys, since I feel so bad right now.

Best regards

Anyone?