I discovered masturbation last year and porn at the end of 2015 and almost everyday or once in two days masturbated to porn. Everything started to go down when I came across lesbian porn and felt excited. Then, as I wanted to orgasm more fast I masturbated a few times (like three) to it. I felt pretty disgusted afterwards and everytime I masturbate even if I do it to straight porn I feel disgusted, I just don't like that side of me.
I had suffered HOCD before when I was 9 years old because of some stupid thing that happened, but my parents helped me get better.
But this time, it's worse and I am currently having a mild panic attack while I write this.
All my life, since I was four years old I have had crushes on boys and wanted to have a boyfriend, I loved liking boys, they made me really happy. I loved looking at them, I loved the feeling they gave me and while I am writing this I am smiling just at the thought of the old me.
I think HOCD also came because I was scared I has a crush on my friend that is girl, because I got anxiety (not the butterfly kind) and I couldn't stand that she touched me, it gave me a uneasy feeling. And I also found her super pretty, but not like I would find boys hot, she was just pretty. The thought of kissing her, holding hands with her, sleeping with her didn't gave me happiness, just didn't feel like something I would do. So I brushed it off but HOCD was getting stronger. I didn't know what I was suffering until last Saturday. I thought I was suddenly turning gay and I couldn't stand being in the same room as other girls I wanted to leave, I cried because I feared I was becoming a lesbian or bisexual. Those two terms mean nothing to me. They do not define me. Straight does, yet I can't stop these thoughts that have been in my head for almost a month.
When I watched lesbian porn (it would always be stuff that guys could do to me, not like scissoring) I pictured me as the girl being pleasured, and I don't think I cared that it was a girl pleasuring me, it was just the fact that I was receiving pleasure. It would be the same with a guy. I could never touch a girl vagina and I find it gross (I'm sorry). I am now on a reboot and I haven't watched porn in like a week and I have already seen results. Also, when I was younger I created three girls (I was a kid) in the sims that would date every guy in town, but out of curiosity I put one kissing another and I felt weird, now looking at the past I feel disgusted by what I have done. I also had created a married couple that was lesbian in the sims and was more for laughing, not that I wanted that.
Anyways, when I think of girls I think of possible friends, best friends, sisters and mother figures. Never as a girlfriend or possible wife. When I think of boys, I think of possible friends, boyfriends, husbands. I really want a big family and live happily with my husband (even though I can't imagine myself in a relationship that much because of my low self-esteem problems).
Since HOCD started getting attached to my brain, I have over analyzed everything and reassured myself in every possible way. I have looked at lesbian porn (and felt nothing), I have looked at other girls and felt nothing, I have looked at cute guys and felt realy happy, I met a super cute boy and was super happy and euphoric, I looked at straight porn and felt horny, I have over analyzed the way I walk to see if I walked in a manly way, the way I sit, they way I talk, the way I move my hands while I sing or talk, the way I dress. I have cut my hair recently and it's above the shoulders and I keep thinking I give a lesbian vibe. I am afraid to go somewhere and if there is a girl who is lesbian or bi they will find me attractive and I don't want that. I have feared that I might like a girl and It gave me a weird uneasy feeling thinking of that. I have over analyzed past events that could mean that I am in fact a closeted lesbian or bi or analyzed sutff that people have told me that could mean I am gay. Like, once a gay guy in my class told me that it would be cool if I was a lesbian, because my style was alternative and now I can't stop thinking "what if I am lesbian all my life and I didn't know or I have denied all this time?"
I am afrad of becoming gay or bi. I am not afraid of what my parents will tell me, or my friends, or society in general. Just the though of being slightly bi makes me scared, I don't ######6 want that. I want to be back to my old self. I can't stand this. I have had one boyfriend and we broke up like five /six months ago and it didn't work because I wasn't sure of my feelings for him and he was kind of an asshole sometimes and I keep thinking that our bad breakup was because I might be a closeted lesbian while I feel that I'm straight. I am afraid I will never be able to love and that I might love a woman because I don't wanna love a woman, I wanna have a relationship with a guy and big family with a lot of kids. I dream of announcing my pregnancy to my future husband and him hugging me happily. I imagine my wedding day with my future husband and the dress I would wear.
I even think that the fact that guys don't find me attractive or that I just had one boyfriend while my friends have had tons and received love letters, love confessions, is because I might be gay? Or give a gay vibe? I don't ######6 know.
I am not attracted to girls, I look at their bodies and I don't feel anything. I don't wanna touch their bodies, I don't wanna kiss them. I don't wanna date them. When I thik about dating a girl, I feel blank. Nothing. When I look at cute guys, I wanna touch their face, their bodies, their hair, kiss them, date them, be with them.
I am not homophobic, please don't think that I am. I defend LGBT rights and I believe that love is love and everyone has the right to love the other despite of their gender. I just don't want to be part of lgbt community, I don't want that for me. But if you want that, I'm happy for you, go ahead!
Do I really have HOCD or is it my imagination?
This has gotten so worse that just the fact that I like rainbows since I was a kid makes my stupid brain think that I am gay. I want to be my old self, please help. Anxiety has reduced, and there are better days than others where I feel like the old me. But today, it got worse again.
Is it normal for a teenager girl to feel excited over same-sex fantasies but probably wouldn't do anything to the same sex since it's so disgusting to touch the same sex body in that way for her? I don't want to be lesbian or bi. HELP! Sometimes I think that killing myself is the only way to shut these thoughts and I dont know why I am thinking this way.
If you don't mind, give me tips to overcome HOCD. I don't wanna get stuck in this cycle.
PS: Sorry if this is a mess or if it has any typos. I was so scared and nervous while writing this. And english is not my main language, so I hope you guys can understand.
Thank you so much!
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