HOCD -uncomfortable around my best friend

I don’t know where to start. It has been years since I initially experienced these symptoms. Last year of high school I got depersonalization (which I still have) and developed as a result, severe anxiety and eventually sexual intrusive thoughts. They ranged from fear of being a pedophile, to being attracted to family members, to what if I’m gay and in love with my best friend? They were crippling. I went to a psychologist and eventually my anxiety faded.

I learnt we give more power to these thoughts by trying to banish them, as most of us know. Everyone has weird thoughts; it’s just the amount of attention we pay to them that determine how frequent they’ll be. So through visualization with my psychologist, I eventually understood that it was all my anxiety. I am 23 now, but random thoughts still pop up in my head from time to time, and this is what I remind myself. But I’ve learnt that it’s my level of comfortability and exposure to certain individuals that determine the frequency of the thoughts. I am never around children, so when I am the reminiscent thought of being a pedophile arises.

The same thing has happened with my best friend, and it’s been happening for years now. Again I’ve been having these thoughts since I was 16. Initially when my anxiety faded it was fine, because we were constantly around each other. And it was like that for a good 3 years, but then something changed. We had distance, and I remember an instance where we were high together and the thought appeared of what if I’m gay. Because I was high I couldn’t calm myself down, it crippled me and I remember analyzing everything I felt . It’s almost simultaneously been 3 years since I’ve been really comfortable with her and 3 years since everything changed.

And I guess I realize it’s because of the thoughts, and at the same time a part of me still thinks I’m secretly really attracted to her. It’s a paradox. The only way I can feel comfortable around her again like I used to it to spend a lot of time together, but the thoughts stop me from doing that. I always feel so uncomfortable, compared to how I used to feel around her…it’s easier to just not spend time together. We used to be so close, she was the only person I truly felt free to be myself with…so to see that fade is kind of heartbreaking. It also doesn’t help that she is busy all the time, I feel like she is aware of it too; the idea of addressing it though is incredibly uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do, I want my best friend back.

I just learn to ignore thoughts like that- I'll get thoughts sometimes that I want to make a move on someone, touch them, kiss them, etc- both male and female- it's just thoughts, sweetie. Have to learn to not let them bother you- thoughts come and go, but thoughts aren't going to make you be inappropriate with your friend.