HOCD or lesbian in denial- i need help

Hi, im a young teenaged female.
So, i dont know if i have hocd, and the idea of being lesbian is just...i rather die...
This thoughts strated 3 months ago and im obcessed with them, its the only thing i think 24/7. Since i was little i always liked boys, never had a crush on a girl neither wanna have. What triggered this thoughts was a girl that told me that i looked like a lesbian. And i was like "NO, never, nahh". But the thoughts of "am i lesbian?" never leaved me. I started noticing every girl and thinking "do i like her?" " am i attracted to her?". I quit Tv and series because of the fear of appear a girl. I dont watch porn anymore because i dont want to test myself or something. But here is a big problem: i'm turn on by boobs! more than penises (and if im turn on by them). This makes me worried a lot. I cry every day, i dont want end up with a girl, i always imagined myself married with a man and have kids!! On the first week of this thoughs i was convinced that i was lesbian or bi, and since that the thoughts didnt leaved me i thought that maybe i needed to tell my family. That scared me but i told them. My mom kinda freaked out and asked me if i was afraid of being lesbian and i just started crying and saying yes and that i didnt wanted to be with a girl... so i told her, but the thoughts didnt disappeard. so i search for answers and hocd came out. I was so reliefed, I had all the sympthomes!!! I wasnt lesbian after all!! I cryed of happiness!! I was "normal" for the first time since the thoughts appeared, but that didnt last for much time... my hocd (do i really have hocd?) was worst, i didnt know what was real and what wasnt..i didnt know if i was straight or lezb. I was depressed, i wanted to kill myself, i cryed every day, i was so anxious and stressed... I worry if something that i do seems lesbian like the way i walk, the way i sit down, what i dress, etc..

So know the thing is, the thoughts convinced me that im lezb (but i dont want to be), and i dont have that feeling of "i know deep down that im straight". i wasnt homophobic before the thoughts but now im starting to be. I want to be attracted to boys, not girls. i see a future with a guy, not a girl. For all this things my mind says "do you reall want it?" and im like YES I ######6 WANT IT. I have a psychologist, and i told him this, he said that is hocd but i cant belive him...i cant have sure, i just cant. I had pocd too btw.
i would like to know what you think, am i in denial or i have hocd?

Well, personally I see two things that could be going on....

you're a young teenager, so you could still be finding yourself sexually. Also, it's not out of the range of speculation for someone to think one particular body part is attractive. Sure you like boobs; you have a pair yourself! Whether that extends to a permanent interest in other girls' boobs, you'll have to just wait and see, sweets, as you get older.

also... you seem to have confirmed OCD. You admit to POCD, you're seeing a professional who seems to think this is all a manifestation of OCD, I see no reason to doubt this.

OCD loves grey. Ambiguity. Doubt. You're young enough, that you're possibly still forming your sexual identity, sweets, and your OCD is going to jump on that like a starving wolf. I know it's really hard not to be upset by this, sweet pea, but I really think you have to somehow, with the help of your psychologist, learn to relax and not allow fear to run your life- learning to relax and not stress over who you get turned on by, and then wait and see what happens. Chances are you're going to be as straight as you need to be, sweets. But you have to not worry over it. If you're lesbian, it's not the end of the world. If you're Bi, it's not the end of the world.

Snaga wrote: If you're lesbian, it's not the end of the world. If you're Bi, it's not the end of the world.

I cant imagine myself as lesbian/bi, i just cant... i rather die, this is just how i feel! And thouths like "you are lesbian for sure" pop out and i cant deal with it. i just cry and cry and cry. I really dont want tou be lesbian, i dont want to be with a girl, and i dont want to have any attraction for one! But my mind tells me things that makes me panic "you want to be lesbian deep down" "you want to be with a girl" "you just cry because you want to convince your self that you dont like this thoughts". I cant sleep anymore... And there is thing that makes me worry a lot: my family is homophobic but i didnt really cared at first about what they would think, but still, i was a little bit afraid of their reaction, maybe a lot. and i founded that a gay in denial just worries about their family reaction...and i worried too!!! Do you still thinking that i have hocd???

I'm thinking, sweet pea, if you have a history of OCD... if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... it's usually a duck....

I'm bisexual. No OCD about it. No, I don't like it. Yes, I was and am afraid of what family thinks. Yes I was in denial for a long time. But I also don't want to just die if I'm Bi. Nor do I really want to change- I do for practical reasons, but it would feel as if something was being cut out of me- because that's PART OF ME. Part of me likes being what I am and is resistant to change- probably because it can't be changed. When people come on here with HOCD fears, it's not like that- it's like you want to just die, and you can't bear the thought of it at all, and it doesn't feel like it's really you, and it's The Worst Thing Ever- which is what OCD does to you- convince you you're what you fear, and that it's the Worst Thing Ever. And you check, and you second guess, and you worry yourself sick wondering and arguing with your fears.

Tanks, when this begun i thought that i was really lesbian and sinceramente the thought wouldn't go away i thought that maybe i needed to assume myself. I thought how would be my future being lesbian and i hated it, so i decided to never have a relationship with a woman, i just didnt wanted it! And then i strated worring about my family reacton and ...i told them, my dad was cool with it but he was the only one, i was happy since he would accept me for being whatever i was. Now that i remember that i was happy for accepting me i start panic, and cry because for me that must meen that im lesbian, just because i was happy for my dad's reaction .... do you think this is normal for an hocd surferer?

-- Fri Jun 24, 2016 9:05 am --

Ignore "sinceramente" that was my corrector, im portuguese

-- Fri Jun 24, 2016 9:05 am --

Ignore "sinceramente" that was my corrector, im portuguese

-- Fri Jun 24, 2016 9:07 am --

What i mean to write was "since"

And you werent obcessed with thoughts "am i bi?" "Do i like this girl" right? Because i'm so obcessed that i can't even sleep...

I don't recall asking myself any questions, no. I just tried to act on what I wanted at the time. Which happened to be someone of the same sex. I'd thought about it, sure, but not asking myself if I was anything- just wrestling with the desire then trying to act on it because I couldn't help myself. In my mind- it was wrong- but I never asked myself what I liked, no. That seemed pretty clear to me- now yes there was lots of confusion for a long time after I realised I could want sex with the same sex, but only because I like BOTH- and ofc you're supposed to pick a team, that's how society works. I never had illusions as to who or what I had desire for at any given time, no.