OCD is filling in memory gaps with terrible thoughts?

So my OCD is seems to filling in memory gaps with awful things. Kind of a "well, you can't remember, so who's to say you didn't do something horrible." In this instance, I'm thinking back to a girlfriend I had a decade ago and whether I sexually assaulted her during sex.

We had both been completely nude and I was on top of her, and she said she wanted to kiss for a bit before did anything (to make it more meaningful). So we did and after 15 seconds or so (trying to figure out the specific time in my head, but I don't know) I kind of moved in to start and she kind of put her hand out and in an annoyed tone of voice said, "No." And I stopped.

But I know we also ended up having sex in that instance, so my OCD is making me wonder how long we kissed before we had sex and whether she had a specific time in mind before she wanted to start that I didn't adhere to and then my OCD starts telling me that any sex the day is sexual assault of some sort. And then it seems to distort my memory and make everything awful.

The thing is, I have no specific memory of doing something awful like that in that instance, she never said anything about me doing that (side note: since some sexual assault victims go years without speaking about it because it's so difficult, my mind is saying, "who's to say that's not the case?"), and it's a terrible thing to do and I would never have done it. And I don't see why that specific instance would be different than any other time we had sex except for the moment when she was annoyed that I didn't take as slowly as she wanted.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. This has happened with everything from incest to pedophilia.

I know exactly what you're going thru. I myself am (was) wondering if not the very same thing about an old girlfriend from high school. It was our first time and I thought I didn't take enough time with her. So I thought I forced her into it (don't remember her saying no or stop). You read articles nowadays about rape and all that. So I actually contacted her. We talked. It wasn't like that at all. I think it was more guilt on my part. I thought I was no better than these rapists out there. I obsessed over it until I talked to her. It's all so crazy but I know what you're going thru. It's scary when you can't remember the past. Your active mind is free to insert all kinds of thoughts to help fill in. But your OCD loves that kind of stuff. It loves to whip things around. I call it 'the OCD blender'. Take a thought, put it in the OCD blender, hit purée. That's what it does. Just stay calm and try to take time with it. It's not easy, but soon you will be free , and remember they are just thoughts. I'm going thru some stuff about POCD right now. Same thing as you. Gaps in memory are making me think I did something but can't remember.

Thank you for your response! And I went through POCD too! Hopefully things are getting better for you. You can get through it.