Ocd/ anxiety/ paranoia

Good evening, this is my first time ever interacting on a forum but it is hard for anyone close to me to understand my extreme feelings and I hope that this can help me to gain some perspective from people suffering from a disorder as I am.

Recently my S.O. and I have gone on vacation. I had (due to past experiences and paranoia) refrained from drinking during the trip other than a beer or two. I tend to blackout and therefore have completely irrational thoughts for days, weeks, months on end afterwards.

After a few days we both decided it would be okay to have a few drinks and relax since it was just us and we would be together. Needless to say it got out of hand and my SO (who in 4 years I have maybe seen drunk 3 times) and I were on a quick trip downhill. It went from having a great time to us quickly turning on one another. I stormed out of one bar as he followed, and entered a new bar. I quickly joined a group of girls who "comforted" me from my "mean" boyfriend as he came up to me and stated he was going back to the hotel. I said BYE and continued to drink with my new "friends".
.....this was the point that I blacked out.
All I remember was waking up next to my SO in bed I'm the hotel.

I quickly went into panic mode. Crying, freaking out, hating myself, wanting to self-harm and worse. I apologized up and down and of course... "WHAT HAPPENED?!?!" was asked a multitude of times. My SO does not black out and explains that he left, came back to the hotel, threw up, changed and cleaned up and by then I was back knocking in the hotel door to let me in.

And....anxiety/ paranoia/ self-loathing and hate creep in.

What happened during those 30 or so minutes that I was without him, at a bar, blackout drunk? Of course due to Ocd and anxiety I'm OBSESSED. I convince myself that I either had sexual intercourse with someone randomly or that I killed someone or something of the sort.

So far I have... emailed the bar, tried to call (number is disconnected), tried to find out the name of the band to contact one of them, checked street surveillance which has still shots--looked through them for hours, researched std facts...just endless countless hours of research and crying and anxiety. No sleep, stomach issues, going over the night 500 times with my SO who has already chalked me up to being completely insane. All for something that seems irrational but to me is not.

What's the point of posting this?? Because I yearn for someone who has exceptionally irrational thinking as myself to assure me I'm being irrational. My biggest fear is 1. Hurting another human being and 2. Cheating on my SO. To the point where I obsess and it has put this huge black mark on our otherwise lovely vacation- which I don't even want to think about or talk about now. This is ruining my life. I feel like I never truly have a moment of pure happiness without a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

This is just the most recent anecdote of my bouts of irrational feeling and thinking (excluding or including alcohol being a relation).

I am a long-time sufferer just recently coming to light of my disorder. I used to think that I was just a very moral person but I realize these obsessions are far more.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and/or relate to my story.

I would point out that 30 minutes was probably barely enough time to make your drunken way back to the room- but I know first hand how we do not listen to reason, when we're in the grip of a fear.

Sweetie, you have to decide that nothing happened. And stick to that in the face of your OCD. That's all I know- shove that fear down and play whack-a-mole whenever it tries to pop its nasty little head up.

Since OCD feeds on uncertainty- and you can NEVER be 100000% certain of what happened, you have to decide for yourself that nothing happened, and make that your reality. Chances are, you stumbled back to your room and did nothing else. Since you can't know that with total certainty, at some point, you have to let it go, sweets, and walk away from that argument. You can't win an argument with OCD. You can, however, tell it to go to hell, that you don't give a $#%^, and you've better things to do than feed it more fear.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Just having someone understand the way I'm feeling gives me comfort. Every day gets a little better. After this episode I believe I will try yet again to find a therapist that I connect with. I'm so tired of giving myself stomach ulcers from worrying. I pray that everyone who suffers from this disease can find some help in some way. Xoxo