HOCD and self experimentation?

Hey Guys so I'm a 19 Year old Male. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder by my colleges clinician. I think I have HOCD.

Ever since I can remember I have only thought about girls, being with girls, getting with girls etc. I've hooked up with a lot of girls and I loved it. I had a few girl friends at the end of middle school which ended in them cheating on me which really got me down. By Highschool I was really insecure with my looks and never actually wanted to approach my crushes because I was afraid of being shot down.

HOCD all started for me sophomore year of HS. I remember sitting in some lecture where some gay kid was speaking about coming out and I thought what If I was gay? Things spiraled out of control and eventually I told my mom I thought I was turning gay. She was supportive etc. But deep down I knew I was straight and had no attraction for guys. At the time I had no idea what HOCD was but looking back I definitely had it with the ruminating, obsessive thinking and mental compulsions. After about 2 months once summer started it all went away eventually and my life was back on track. I had a few relationships since then and have gotten with a few woman. I've fantasized about a ton of woman and never once about a guy.

Fast forward to now. About 3 months ago this all started again. My best friends told me I should rush this one frat which was known as the gay frat. It kind of got me because I wondered what they knew about me that I didn't. They told me it's because I usually don't try to get with the girls but just be friends with them which isn't true. I'm just insecure about making a move and don't want to get rejected. I also don't have many friends that are girls so I have a tough time interacting. Anyways so a few days later they brought it up again and my one random roommate who came out as gay said he thought I was gay when he first met me and my other friend said he could see it since my hair cut is kind of "gay" and I'm short and skinny.

I freaked the ###$ out. Anxiety through the roof. I remembered back to soph year of HS and wondered if I was just lying to myself and I've been gay all along. It got so bad that I couldn't eat or focus on school work. I just wanted to lay in bed. It was a constant battle from the time I woke up until bed time. It is all I would think about. I would masturbate to prove I was straight. I would look at pictures of woman to show I still got aroused, looked at pictures of men to show I didn't and would read these kinds of posts to calm me down. I would try to imagine myself in a gay situation and would check to see if I got aroused or not which I never did. I just had these intrusive thoughts and images all day that were unsettling. Eventually I started to avoid situations. I couldn't go to any fraternity events without fearing something was gonna happen etc. I eventually avoided going outside as much as possible because I hated noticing guys now like I didn't even have to look at the guy my mind would just start firing questions at me. It would also freak me out even more because I would check out a hot girl and would feel like I wasn't getting aroused like I used to.

Eventually it got so bad I needed to see someone. I saw my schools dr and she said I had classic anxiety disorder. It definitely helped seeing her, I started running which would calm me down, I started doing some other things to distract me which would calm me down. Also socializing with my friends and roommates actually helped also. After meeting with her I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and it really helped me get through the week. We were going to start erp but school ended. Since I've been home for the last week or two that light at the end of the tunnel has kind of gone away. All I can do is constantly ruminate, my anxiety spikes a lot and my mind tries to build a case on why I'm not straight. I usually spend the days at home alone now since my parents still have work and my siblings aren't home yet so I have a lot of time to worry etc. More than at school. The other week I remembered a time when I was young that I clicked on a gay porn link when I was browsing a porn site and started to masturbate to it but it felt weird and I just couldn't keep watching it so I switched to something else. My mind has been trying to convince me that since I watched it that one time years ago it proves that I'm gay. That isn't the worst thing though. Around the same time I remember that in middle school people were talking about sucking your own dick. I was pretty curious to see if I could do it. So I tried a few times and was actually able to do it. It felt way better than regular masturbation and it turned me on. Still remembering back to how good it felt turns me on. I never really thought anything of it and did it once in a while up until a few years ago when I stopped. I only ever did it when I felt really sexually deviant since I would feel grossed out after. Also sometimes I would wonder what my semen tasted like but whenever I came I never actually tried it since it seemed so repulsive. Anyways that memory of sucking my own dick has scared the $#%^ out of me and makes me think I'm gay or bi since I liked it. I never once thought about doing it to another guy I just liked doing it to myself but my mind is trying to tell me that since I did it to myself I secretly want to do it to other guys. I have 0 desire ever to even kiss a guy let alone try anything like that and that idea seems scary. What makes it worse is that if I try to watch porn now I feel like my mind fixates on the dick and asks me what I think? If I'm watching the guy or the girl? If I'm more aroused because of the penis? Then it reminds me that I sucked my own dick and if I would want to suck the dick in the video which freaks me out because I think I know the answer is no but it makes me doubt that. Also I can barely even fantasize about girls since every time I do a thought pops in and asks what if they had a dick would that turn you on more? And then a image of their vagina becoming a dick which again freaks me out since I feel aroused from the girl but then that image pops in my head. It caused me to really doubt that I'm straight and that I could be bi which is scarier than being gay to me right now. It sometimes even gives me these images of me sucking a dick which gives me a groinal response and causes my anxiety to spike. Before all the HOCD I never once had these thoughts watching porn or fantasizing. I've been getting terrible groinal responses thinking about it (never get hard). It's gotten bad and I feel like I can't even watch TV without asking myself whether I find the guy attractive or not and I hate it. I've started to avoid porn and fantasizing since I don't want these thoughts since they feel like the could really happen like I could wake up tomorrow and be bi or gay or I could have another thought and actually get the urge or desire to act on it.

Is experimentation with yourself normal? I try to rationlize with the thoughts and tell myself it's just a form of masturbation and you get turned on because it felt good but that isn't enough to calm the fear. This really has me thinking I'm just in denial more than any other time in the last three months. Could I be?

Also I told my parents about the hocd thing and I'm going to see someone this weekend. I just want my life back and my attraction to girls back and for these thoughts to leave me alone :/

I found this in GID. It's a better fit here in OCD.

I think it's perfectly normal to experiment with yourself. I'd be surprised if there was a boy who hadn't tried the things you mention.

Do you feel like your attraction to girls are less than they used to be but you only feel sexually aroused by girls