I can't wait to die.

It isn't just thoughts anymore dude.. It first started with that for awhile. Then it added fuel to the fire with urges, feelings & arousal. Then I look into my past and seem to be finding more & more evidence. I hate every inch of it but there's nothing I can do about it except wait to rot from the inside out.

messiahchatterbox wrote:It isn't just thoughts anymore dude.. It first started with that for awhile. Then it added fuel to the fire with urges, feelings & arousal. Then I look into my past and seem to be finding more & more evidence. I hate every inch of it but there's nothing I can do about it except wait to rot from the inside out.

Answer me this then: What's stopping you? What would be the worst thing if you are? I know what the answers are for me.

What's stopping me is me. The worst thing would be is having sex with men and not women. And cool, its nice to know someone has the answer for themselves and shoves it in other peoples faces.

Well I don't have it figured out I just know what my answers to those questions would be because I've been asked them before. Sorry you took it the wrong way.

Word. Either help or leave instead of asking questions that just make things worse.

The answers you gave are basically the same as mine so where do we go from here. The point was trying to help because if the worst thing about it is losing access to women then it seems unlikely that you'd be gay. Understand?

Whatever you do, don't try to seek reassurance. Reassuring yourself that your OCD fear must be false will only make it worse. That's the cruel thing about OCD.

And if you DO manage to convince yourself that you're definitely not gay, your OCD will just shift to a new 'theme'. Some people even develop OCDs about blinking consciously all day....

The real answer to the OCD problem is meditation. When you meditate, you just let thoughts come and go without reacting to them. You experience an intrusive thought, you register it, you focus on your breath, and the thought disappears. Then a new intrusive thought will arise. That one will disappear on its own again. And so forth.

You are telling your brain your intrusive thoughts are insignificant because you're not reacting to them. While if you are reassuring yourself that your OCD fear is irrational you are telling your brain that the thoughts are significant.

Trust me, I've had OCD for over 10 years now and this is the only logical solution that I came up with.

By the way, don't tell yourself: "it's not me, it's my OCD", because that's bullsh!t. Tell yourself: "OCD is part of me and I fully accept it, but I won't let it affect me"

Nasty_Boy wrote:Whatever you do, don't try to seek reassurance. Reassuring yourself that your OCD fear must be false will only make it worse. That's the cruel thing about OCD.

And if you DO manage to convince yourself that you're definitely not gay, your OCD will just shift to a new 'theme'. Some people even develop OCDs about blinking consciously all day....

The real answer to the OCD problem is meditation. When you meditate, you just let thoughts come and go without reacting to them. You experience an intrusive thought, you register it, you focus on your breath, and the thought disappears. Then a new intrusive thought will arise. That one will disappear on its own again. And so forth.

You are telling your brain your intrusive thoughts are insignificant because you're not reacting to them. While if you are reassuring yourself that your OCD fear is irrational you are telling your brain that the thoughts are significant.

Trust me, I've had OCD for over 10 years now and this is the only logical solution that I came up with.

By the way, don't tell yourself: "it's not me, it's my OCD", because that's bullsh!t. Tell yourself: "OCD is part of me and I fully accept it, but I won't let it affect me"

all day.

when i am theme-shifting towards more laughable, frantic scenarios, i know the OCD is getting real tired and i am doing work.

messiahchatterbox i know its been a few days since you posted this but just breathe

i know youre beyond fed up and ready to give up and hurt yourself and/or others at this point but just try to breathe and listen to me, okay? i only want to help you.

youre not alone in this, i promise. i know it feels so endless and so overwhelming and like its taking over your life and impossible to avoid and get away from, and im so sorry youre struggling like this.. its not fair. You deserve so much better than this f*cking bullsh*t.

i know you cant help reassurance seeking (i cant either, im in no place to judge you and never would, im just merely observing that youre struggling and clearly feel like you cant get rid of this stupid f*cking disorder just like the rest of us - youre in pain, and its okay to feel angry and upset and lost and alone, youre valid and its okay to not be okay.), and you shouldnt have to feel guilty over it, clearly youre not ready to let go of the anger associated with all of this and thats okay, i by no means blame you or think youre doing anything wrong, its natural for us OCD sufferers to want to reach out or to get fed up and become impulsive and violent because of how much our obsessions bother us, youre a human with human feelings and youre allowed to be upset and angry and fed up with your disorder ruling your life.

i know i probably shouldnt really be giving you the reassurance (not to sound like an a*shole, just that i know that feeding compulsions also feeds the obsessions which only makes it harder for you to deal with, and clearly you cant afford for it to get much worse :/ ) but at the same time i understand how hard this all must be for you, it really is a f*cked up, annoying, horrid disorder to live with. (if you dont want me to call it a disorder dont feel bad saying that and telling me, if anything im saying comes off as offensive please dont feel guilty about admitting it or arguing with me, i understand and its okay - i dont expect you to be perfect or a certain way or to be completely rational when this sh*t is eating you alive).

if you were actually gay you wouldnt hate the idea so much. i know its hard to fight the denial because the obsessions are so strong and they affect you so much and it all gets so overwhelming and all-consuming, but you just need to take a step back from yourself and breathe, literally breathe in and out deeply for a few minutes, do anything at all that makes you feel a little more calm. take your time and dont be so impatient with yourself, spikes happen and suffering and not knowing what youre supposed to do is something you cant change, you just need to try to remember that this is just how OCD works and even though it sucks major f*cking ass you are not alone and you can beat this, just one step at a time. i myself am really struggling too and i get sexual obsessions too, so i understand how gripping and horrendous they can feel, its like a real-life never ending nightmare sometimes.

but just try to ask yourself..
-if i were really gay they why would i be so against the idea of it?
-if i were really gay why would i miss girls so much and hate myself and be suicidal over the thought of being gay?
-if i were really gay why would i feel the need to ask other people if i am?
-if i were really gay why would i have to try searching for and collecting clues to prove it to myself, wouldn't i just be okay with it and like the idea?

the truth is that same gender attracted people enjoy their attraction. the difference between you actually being gay and having OCD is evident in how much this all devastates you and makes you panic - its OCD.

please please please talk to somebody, a hospital or a therapist at least a professional that can keep you safe - about how much this is affecting you. i know youre so ashamed and struggling so much and just want it all to end and see no other options right now but i promise you it wont always feel this bad. you and i just both need to remember that we both have OCD and can only do our best to fight it, its okay to feel like youre losing sometimes.

try asking yourself what you have against being gay - what makes you think youre gay?
compare it to what proves that you arent gay. come back to the comparisons later on when youre in a calmer and less anxious state of mind and re-read everything you wrote down - which seems more solid and genuine? which one seems more obsessive and repetitive? chances are that youre most likely going to see patterns in the side defending you being gay, point them out - dont be afraid to challenge them with logic.

youre an intelligent man, you can do this, i promise you.

sincerely, just a girl with OCD that feels like im drowning in this sh*t too.

p.s. you arent your thoughts and your thoughts arent you. even if you really were gay that doesnt make you any less of a person and either way learning to accept yourself is never an easy thing, but youre learning like the rest of us - no need to be so hard on yourself. its okay if youre stuck and feel lost, if you ever need someone to talk to dont hesitate to pm me. you are worthy of getting past this and living a life where you arent consumed and ruled by your OCD. the obsession WILL come back (and maybe even manifest itself in different ways like it has with mine) but it doesnt mean youre hopeless or never going to get better, it takes time to get better just like it takes time to get to where you are now. i really hope this helped anything at all, im sorry youre having such a difficult time right now but i promise some days wont feel as impossible to get through. just take this one step at a time.

Thank you for your sympathy but no one with genuine hocd goes through what I'm going through. More so people who are internalized, in the closet or in denial do, maybe.. Men feel more natural and women feel unnatural.. I don't get anxiety no more, just depressed. I get anxiety with women now. I'm fuxking repressed