Brand New Theme Or......?(Help?/TW)

So, so, so,......Hi all.

I've posted about a lot of things related to OCD. All of the themes I've had, all of the things I had to hide and fake due to a multitude of reasons, all of the nagging doubts, and so on.

I have some good news, and some really long, complicated bad news. Here they are:

First of all, my old theme(s) are pretty much beaten. Can't exactly say how, but I guess I just allowed myself to ''let go'' so to speak. It's gotten to the point that I no longer care if I'm going to go to jail, or have a disease, or the like. All of those and more where themes for me, but I managed to stop worrying until I have an actual reason to worry. All fine and dandy right? well, not quite...

Apparently, in place of all of this, I got a new theme of obsession and a really strong ''relapse'' of sorts. This new obsession, in spite of how common it is or what my past self said about it, is the fear that I've discovered I'm transgendered/transexual, or anything not of the ''cis'' variety. Mostly, however, it's the fear of being transexual, and having to get ''forced'' so to speak by an invisible force to get SRS(Sex Reassignment Surgery) in the future, dump my family, and go live alone in isolation due to the fear of being harassed or ridiculed and all of that jazz.

As always, it started from a simple passing thought. I asked myself ''Are you really cisgendered despite how confident you appear to be?'' and bam, it went downhill from there. The anxiety felt from this is likened to what I felt while I went through the POCD phase. The other themes where manageable, but this literally tore out my cheerfulness and confidence and urinated on the remains. I went from playful and happy to becoming almost completely taciturn(Not speaking unless spoken to), and wanting to do nothing but lay in bed, and somehow get myself to die/travel some other plane of existence and never come back. My parents have taken notice, but haven't questioned anything seriously yet.(That's good, I guess. No way in hell am I gonna tell them after that whole POCD incident I ended up making a soap opera scene about right in front of them. *shudders*).

Now here's the whole backstory part....I never was considered ''normal'' as a kid, and still aren't considered as such now. In regards to my mannerisms and tastes, I tend to act really playful and girly, while at the same time emulating a sense of self confidence that appears strong enough to be considered ''masculine'' by some people. I have cross-dressed a few times for fun in the past and found it fun, and generally didn't think much of it from the times I did it. Also, that sense of confidence is a facade. I actually feel really insecure and flaky, but I've managed to create a persona to display in public to avoid further teasing and suspicion. It works, and hasn't failed yet at all.

I did mention that I was gay a few times on here(I'm a guy biologically), but now, I'm completely unsure. My gender and sexuality are a mess now, all due to either actual GID or just OCD like always.

Thing is, I've found for a long while that the female body is really, really beautiful, in the aesthetic sense mostly. Enough so, that if I had the option, I wouldn't mind changing my body to that of a female's, just to see what it's like. In terms of what I mean by ''changing'', I mean in the way of shapeshifting like say, Mystique from X-Men, for anyone who's fond of the shows or comics and the like.

...But that's where the confusion arises. I have no idea what I really feel. It's true that I like the way the female body looks, and its true that I wouldn't have any issues waking up one day and discovering I was a chick, but does that really, truly imply I'm trans? Or is it just OCD flubbering it all up?

To make matters worse, there's the potential of a plethora of other issues causing these thoughts. It could be some general body dysmorphia, but that wouldn't explain why I want to change my ENTIRE body AND have it as the opposite sex, although having an ''attractive'' yet androgynous biologically male body isn't really a ''nightmare'' for me either,....I think?

It could be low self-esteem, and given that I have an ''affinity'' for strong women in a sense, and since I watch a whole ton of shows animated and live-action that feature strong female characters, it could just be my subconscious emulating the desire to be what I consider ''strong'' and ''beautiful''.

It could be for a lot of reasons. Now to make things more confusing, I wouldn't mind having a biologically male form if it looked effeminate or had some androgynous qualities. If I had to cite an example similar enough to what I'm saying, google ''Envy'' from the anime Fullmetal Alchemist. That character's appearance is that of a biological male's, though with clearly feminine qualities, and with the added ability of shapeshifting, it makes that character's ''true'' gender pretty much pointless to discern, since ''It'' is able to alter it's form on a molecular level, being capable of becoming inanimate objects like a chair or a lamp post, and the like.(Last time I checked, don't ride my ass for those of you who happen to be fans of anime or anything like that).

I guess my biggest fear which ties into the potential OCD is being ''forced'' by my ''desires'' to undergo SRS, and before that, ''come out'' to everyone I know. In one way, since I have no ''true friends'' so to speak, that part isn't the issue. It's what my parents and what their friends think that will cause me a surprisingly gargantuan amount of stress.

Going into detail on it, my mom and dad would probably, and I stress probably, be okay with it. I know my dad might be more likely to accept the possibility than my mom, since if he had the same potential to alter his given body like I described, he would make it female in biology but with a penis.(Essentially, a shemale. I've even thought of what it would feel like to be that, and in a way it seems almost thrillingly appealing. Having the ''beauty'' and ''elegance'' associated with a woman, and all of the ''strength'' and ''dominance'' some people and cultures have come to associate the penis with. My mom, though she says she'll ''always love me'', I know she'll be disappointed. In the end, that whole ''Survival of the Fittest'' stuff still applies if you pay attention in the working world. Would they prefer a confident, masculine, cisgendered male to be working at the job? or a mentally ill, flaky, indecisive trans woman to work the job? as an example, is what I'm saying.

As for the rest, I don't want to imagine at all what they'll say or react. You see, it's not like sexuality where you can hide it, or a pharaphilia or whatever. It almost always involves the changing of outward aspects of yourself in one way or another, and I am honestly not expecting a positive response, at all, should it be true.

Ultimately, I'm aware that personality, sexuality, and mannerisms and the like have diddly squat to do with what gender(if any) one identifies as. That's why I try not to use those as indicators, despite listing them just to state. However, if one's true feelings are what one has to use to determine it, well call me out of luck because I have ZERO idea what to think right now.

I said ''it doesn't feel like OCD'' a lot, but now, it feels like I'm shifting gears. Even my online friend I met on here doesn't know how to react, and they've had a response for all my other OCD-based crap. I try not to let that fact worry me though, since clearly it's not worth worrying over. That one particular thing, I mean.

So, I haven't covered everything, but I want to here someone's opinions on this. Do I sound like I'm actually Trans/Non-binary or not? Or is it just OCD?

I'll add details if I feel it necessary in my replies, that is, if this doesn't get buried, and at this point, I wouldn't be surprised If it did. I try to not post repetitively, but I don't exaggerate when I say this is the ONLY place I have to go. I have no friends, have no nerve to start confusion with my parents, and haven't the authority or power to seek out help on my own in person. So, with all of that out into the picture....

How ###$ am I?

You describe many of my feelings. The idea of being female being attractive, the interest in ' strong' female characters, etc.

At one time, I wanted to be trans. But I'm not. And we're very similar in this subject.

I'm leaning OCD, because of your past history. And because you frame it in an almost all-or-nothing way, which has always been a common mode of thinking here in the OCD forum.

Where in reality, maybe you're just a demiguy or something? That's what I've settled on.

If it IS OCD talking, it doesn't mean that it's nothing. It's my experience that OCD can magnify something and make it more than it is, but that doesn't mean that you aren't somewhere on the gender spectrum that's not plain vanilla cis.

But I think someone with an OCD prone personality, dwells on things more than they deserve. We obsess.

I think, for me, if you don't just hate your body- and you'd know without having to think about it, I think- or have a clear want /desire/need to transition, that you're likely not trans. How 'not cis' you are, is up to you to decide what's comfortable for you, I think.

Hm..Demiguy? I suppose it could work?

I don't know. I figure I'll just let it sit for now and see what happens. I'd rather not have to deal with or think about this whole ''Gender: Construct or Innate'' junk unless I really have to. Seems like a waste of time to truly think about unless you're full-on suffering. In any other case, a simple ''screw it'' followed by acting and doing whatever you want seems cool for me.

In my case it's probably just OCD creeping up on me again. At least I think so.

As always, Imma have to wait and see.

I wasn't trying to evade the filter by the way. I emphasize certain words or phrases to express extra emotion, usually stress or anger. It won't happen again.

It's no problem. People frequently do try to evade the filter, however. Or self-censor by subbing one letter for an asterisk- which ofc doesn't let the filter do its job. So we correct that. It's not usually an issue unless someone gets bloody minded about it.

I frequently cuss. For emphasis I will even frequently use a censored word in ALL CAPS, even though I know full well it all translates to #######$. Yet I make the distinction anyway. Go figure.

Yeah, it feels great to swear. Who would've known that mere words can have such a lasting impact on the ego? At least in our case.

The anxiety's doing ok for now.

Honestly don't know anything about anything anymore XD Implying I knew anything to begin with.

Feeling non-binary can feel frustrating. Like you, I never know quite what or who I am sometimes. Like a chameleon.