Father blaming me for Mother (Please read! Feeling helpless)

Hi I really need help and have no idea what to do
I'd really appreciate if you take the time to read this

I've posted before but just a gist so basically, it's been about a year since I began suffering from OCD. I'm currently housebound as it is too difficult for me to go outside and I just recently started online therapy. (and it's already gotten much better) So of course along with this comes extreme anxiety and depression and all this along with being a teenager and I'm already dealing with all those emotions and hormones and stuff. I think in relation to this it is also important to know I have extremely low self-esteem, it's basically like non-existent

So now what happens is that sometimes I freak out and begin to cry and both my parents and I know that everything calm down after a while and I just need some time to process stuff and etc but what happens is that I'm already feeling terrible about something my mom starts screaming and yelling at the top of her lungs and crying too and I know it's because she feels guilty she can't help me and I don't blame her at all for that I wish she didn't have to feel that way because none of this is her fault
Unfortunately what my dad does is (ever since I was young it has been pretty obvious he loved my Mom much more than he love me) when this starts happening he comes and screams at me that "LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO MY WIFE LOOK WHAT YOU DID THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT" one time he even told me he wished I was dead and he had head his hands together near my neck like he wanted to strangle me
And I just don't know what to do he keeps saying we can't take care of you anymore and that he will take my Mother and leave and I just don't know how to handle all this
Whenever This happens I'm always the one who has to calm down the situation and make everyone feel better and then they act as if it never happened but I'm obviously not in the right state of mind and this really takes its toll on me emotionally and mentally and whatever progress I have made with my treatment completely gets like "erased" I always end up back at square one because of how much this affects me
I'm already struggling with major ocd extreme depression extreme anxiety and suicidal thoughts and this doesn't help at all
Especially knowing that if anything happens to me or anything happens in general he won't be bothered about me but about my Mom instead and Everyday I'm just drowning in the guilt that it's all my fault my parents feel this way and they had to have me as a Daughter and I don't even blame them for anything
I just wish they didn't have to deal with me and I know how much this is bothering them
And he keeps saying stuff sarcastically like "do you even WANT to get better?!" And it's not like I'm doing this on purpose
I'm really trying so hard I meant it's ruined my entire life and it's so hard to live like this but obviously in his eyes I'm not getting instantly better and it's taking too long.
And everytime this happens I feel myself break even more
I don't know how much more I can handle and how long I can deal with this

And by the way my parents know what this does to me and how much l get negatively affected by this and later on its always just "sorry" but then it happens over and over and I don't want to sound like I'm defending myself but in a way it's not really my fault
I didn't ask for this and I'm not doing anything on purpose I just wish this could all be over
I hate that they had to have me as a child they obviously didn't imagine this when they thought of having a child and I know I'm just becoming a burden on them and I've suggested a couple of times that I should move out and live alone and then it becomes a "how can you say that to us? You're our Daughter who will take care of you? Do you understand your Mother won't be able to live without you? How can you do that to her?"

But it really hurts so much everytime this happens and I just want to die and be free from all this

I want to type and explain more but I'm completely drained right now as this happened again tonight at about 11.30 pm and now its past 6.30 am and I've been awake the whole night after this happened unable to sleep and everytime this happens for the next week or so I get daily nightmares about something happening to my mom and especially it being all my fault

My heart really goes out to you. My mental health problems started in my teens and your family dynamics sound very similar to how mine were. It sounds as though your parents have a lot of issues of their own - especially your father.

I found out years later that my dad has bipolar, only my mum and dad didn't disclose this until I was about 30. This explained a lot. I had been suffering from mental health problems for years at this point and asked my mum whether she thought I might have bipolar too. Her reply was "Don't be so melodramatic." I was diagnosed with bipolar a couple of years later! Recently I found out I also have OCD and I realised I have had it since I was a kid and my parents never even noticed or thought to do anything about it. They were just constantly on my back about being weird and anxious and how I needed to sort it out.

Maybe there is stuff going on with your father and in your family that they don't want to talk about? It's not your fault and nobody 'chooses' to have a mental illness, you're right about that. Severe OCD is like a prison. Your world gradually gets smaller and smaller until one day you're bound by compulsions and obsessions and can't even leave the house.

You need your family to help you and to at least try and understand and not blame you for it, even if it is upsetting for them to see their child like this. The words 'obsessive' and 'compulsive' are massive clues. You don't suddenly wake up one day and decide that it would be a good idea to start behaving and thinking in this way and then just shut it off when you've had enough.

But yes, my dad was forever having a go at me about how I was upsetting my mum and it made my self esteem plummet to zero. I'm sorry that your father is constantly shaming you. I know what that is like.

I was housebound last year and I'm able to go out more now and things are really improving. So, I hope that gives you a bit of hope. I don't know how old you are, but is moving out an option? Do you think you would feel better on your own and be able to cope once you start feeling a bit better and can leave the house again? Only you know if that would be the healthiest thing to do.

Maybe your relationship with your folks will improve once your OCD gets better. I can understand their distress, but your dad sounds like he really isn't helping matters.

For what it's worth, I get on OK with my folks now.

Sorry for the long post, but you sound so distressed and like you need someone to talk to.