I really need help with my POCD....this feels, different....

I developed early at a young age, though most of my attractions where paraphilic, nothing overall harmful by it self, but I think it contributed, and I never really developed sexual attraction to people for most of my young and teen years.

Though when I was young my libido responded more to drawings then with people, when I was (I think) 12 to 14 there was this art site full of erotic and porn drawings nothing human like beings, half animal, aliens, to all kinds of creatures, I responded to that, after a while I lost tract of that site, and found one similar years later, subject matter was similar but it had no erotic drawings of any kind......at least that what I thought, when I saw red lines around some drawings............I realized that the site filtered adult work, when I turned 18 it automatically turned off, after that.....I went nuts with the porn, normally this would be no big deal, but I some of those drawings.......had underage characters, to this day I cant figure out why i didn't just stop and looked away, but I didn't, I treated it like any other porn drawing, while it was not something I saw exclusively, I saw it anyway. the stuff I feel most guilty for is the kind that involved character from cartoons shows I use to watch watch, but I didn't think nothing of it back then, but as time passed by, I started to phase that subject all together, I think it started to bother me, I don't really remember. about a few months after, I had I had a really had thought of hurting my parents, it just came out of nowhere, I was seeing my parent from behind as they where entering there room, that idea scared me beyond anything I ever experienced, after two days, I told my dad what had happened, he tried to reasure me I'm no threat, for the most part, it did, but I was still very upset about it, then a week later, I was looking through the window and saw the kids across the street, couple that with the fear of hurting other, I remembered the drawings that I use to watch............I felt like a part of me was dying after remembering what I got my self into, for the longest time, I thought I was a pedophile, or turning into one, you'd think after that id be the need of it, but it wasn't I started watching watching the drawings/stories/comics again, maybe wanted to prove that I wasn't turned on by them, maybe I wanted to think it was no big deal, maybe a part of me thought that I was into this and had to accept it, but years of trying to figure it out...............I could not take it, I made mistakes, I tried to wank of to the drawings but I could not, and there where times where I did, but I hated my self for doing so, I regret every drawing I saw, all the checking, and now I have images in my head that can never go away, and I just.....had enough, I ended it a few months ago, and tried to cut it off for good, for the most part, I felt like things where getting together, during these times, I went back to school, getting things together, and putting it behind me, but recently, I wanted to try to put a total end to all this, and well.......and here now, and very scared

I'm still haunted as to why this happened, I never had an attraction to children, and I never did, so why did I get into those drawings, I didn't think much of it, till the fear that I could be a Pedo came into my head, it scares me to think I had an actual attraction to those drawings, I started checking again by looking at those drawings, my gut is in knots when I see them, and I feel like I get boners from them, but I don't know if its cuss at the time, I was really into porn, so those memories are making the feelings stronger, I'm no Psych, so I cant make that diagnosis, I'm very scared, what do I make of this, I don't want to think I'm attracted to them, I really don't, it hurts my head just thinking about it. where do i go from here?

Variables:

1. I'm diagnosed ADHD

2. Everything revolving that subject was within the drawings, I never once willingly had fantasies about it. (least not after turning 18, which before then I outgrew)

3. I had IRL fantasies but they all involved me ( at the time I thought it had something to do with my childhood, to which I regret and haven't fantasies since then)

4. At the time I might have been dealing with a porn or masturbation addiction as I masturbated a lot.

5. I developed and was open to all kinds of fetishes and kinks (very few at an early age, before I even knew what they where called)

I want to move on with my life, as an artist, it hurts me to think there might be an attraction to the idea of that subject matter, even though its not true in reality....it hurt so much, I want to believe this was some sort of accident, a mistake, and error, and not something that will stay with me for the rest of my life, can anyone help me?

Your story has a few similarities to mine. I was very curious about sexual things and fetishes from a young age and would get aroused by some fictional material and fantasies, yet I have virtually no sexual attraction to anyone. I've also never really enjoyed sex or masturbation.

In my case the material involved was stories rather than drawings. The first couple times I found sites with sexual fiction I explored basically every category because I was curious to see what people were into and how weird it got, and I ended up finding some disturbing things. After that I never actively looked for the really taboo stuff but still stumbled across it a handful more times when looking up erotica or sexual terms. Being exposed to this material triggered fears that I might find something I enjoyed and discover I was into something horrible, and I ended up using the more extreme and taboo stories I found to try and figure out everything I was and wasn't aroused by. I also researched paraphilias extensively to see if I had them, and would try to find evidence from my past to confirm my fears.

I didn't know at the time that OCD could take this form, and didn't understand why I got intrusive thoughts or felt that compulsive urge to keep reading things I found sickening just to confirm that I didn't relate or get aroused. I also had intrusive thoughts and groinal responses when interacting with relatives and didn't understand what that was either. I basically just accepted that I was a disgusting person and struggled for a while with debilitating self hatred.

It faded within a couple years when for the first time I met someone who I actually did feel I was truly sexually attracted to (I've had a relationship in the past but intimacy was limited). We never had sex or anything but I felt normal and gained a new understanding of how desire works, and the urges to test myself went away. Being less severely depressed also meant I was much less numb and desensitized to things on the internet, so I was much less able to stomach even the idea of reading that type of material again.

Then a few years later it came flooding back when I read a post on a related topic. I remembered everything I looked at and was overcome by a wave of awful feelings. Even though I was confident at this point that I wasn't into anything I found shameful or immoral, I felt like a monster for ever reading those stories (the ones with younger characters were the only ones I couldn't forgive myself for). Shortly afterwards I found out about POCD and other sexual obsessions and gained an understanding of what was going on with me at the time, but the guilt and fear still tormented me for a long time.

I also had thoughts that my case was "different" somehow because I looked at that material too many times or for too long or whatever (even though it only happened a handful of times over a couple years). But the thing is, everyone I've spoken to about this has told me it was OCD. I've even spoken about it in contexts unrelated to OCD and without mentioning the term OCD, and had random commenters respond and identify it as OCD.

The important part is, you're not attracted to children, and what you looked at was fictional and didn't harm anyone in its production. Even if you did enjoy it at one point, you clearly don't see it as ideal masturbation material any more, and most importantly it's clear you never harmed anyone or wanted to. It also sounds like you were still young when you first found those drawings. Teenagers have raging hormones and can be aroused by nearly anything, and if you repeatedly used something as masturbation material it makes sense that the association with arousal would persist to some extent as you got older.

Also importantly, this forum and others are full of similar posts - people who have looked at similar sexual material in the past, maybe they enjoyed it at the time, maybe not, maybe they just did it for OCD checking. Then at some point it hits them that they did something they feel is unforgivable and makes them a monster. The replies are always the same - reassurance that they're not a monster and didn't cause any harm, they just have OCD. The sheer frequency with which I see this situation and the consistency in the responses is what eventually helped me.

You can get through this. There's no reason you can't move on and leave this in the past.