Sexually confused (again) HOCD

Hey guys I am 17 and I have a problem. I feel anxiety because recently I met a man whom I greatly admire and he's my idol and we have talked on Facebook a couple of times. The other day I was talking to him and he said something really nice to me and I felt butterflies in my stomach and at the time it felt good and I thought of it as normal, I don't think I'm in love with him. The thing is I have had HOCD and I obviously have started questioning myself with "Am I gay?" "Do I really love him?". I don't think I am in love with him.

Something similar happened to me back when I was around 12 years old. That was when my HOCD first started affecting me. I started questioning myself about falling in love with other boys because I thought one day "What if I like him?" and then I quote on quote "FELL" in love with a boy. It caused me so much anxiety and fear. I started feeling butterflies in my stomach and everything.

I have fell in love with girls of course and am sexually attracted to them. I have never masturbated to men or anything that isn't women. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I think about that boy when I was 12 and it causes me so much anxiety. Thing is, like 4 months ago after not having
HOCD for a good good while I was really over it and mature. Even so, I asked myself for whatever reason if I still liked that boy and I thought "What are my true feelings?" and my gut feeling was "Yes I love him" and my reaction of course was "WHAT?" but I stopped for a moment and thouhgt
"wait, let's just not think about this for a while and I'll know my true feelings. Let's give it time" Then after like 30-40 minutes later I asked and I felt "No, deep down I don't love him." So that was it but now that this thing with this man happened it has come all over again.


Today I thought about what I'm posting right now here and I started crying. The most important thing about all of this is that I feel this really crippling and hurtful feeling of anxiety where my true feelings can't come out. It's similar to feeling fear of being isolated, claustrophobia, etc. Like
my true gut feeling is crying out for help to get out of this. I have never sobbed as hard as I did today because I felt like my true feelings about this came out like they were finally freed "I'm not gay.". I cried of happiness. As I type this however I feel butterflies in my stomach and anxiety. I'm trying to ignore it. Like I feel the me that says "I'm not gay" is the TRUE me. So much stress and anxiety has been acumulated over the experiences I had as a 12 year old.

I have tried accepting the feelings of butterflies in my stomach and the HOCD me that says "you're gay" but I can't quite do it. Sometimes I have felt that I'm lying to myself by telling myself that I'm gay. My biggest fear right now is someone telling me "no the real you that is trying to come out is the gay one" or "you're gay but you're repressing it". I don't hate gay people, I wouldn't mind if I were gay I just don't wanna be gay. Gay people deserve as much respect as a straight person. My other biggest fear is that the feeling of crying with joy was just some kind of fake out and I really am gay in the end.

It also bugs me a lot that since the convention says "butterflies always mean love" then I can't really think or feel for myself, I can't have a voice. I don't think feeling butterflies for someone you greatly admire after being said something really nice means you're homosexual. When I had those feelings I didn't feel I was gay nor did I felt as if I were attacted to him. I don't find him sexually attractive at all.

I just wanna be happy and let go, I don't want to carry this weigh my entire life. I don't wanna have HOCD. I wouldn't wish it on anybody, not even my worst enemy.
If you're reading this and don't have OCD thank GOD you don't have it. You should be extremely grateful.

Today, I looked at myself in the mirror and whispered "I love that man" and "I fell in love with that boy when I was 12". And I felt nothing honestly, I read about a gay guy doing that and coming to terms with his homosexuality, which made him reliefed. This didn't happen to me however, I was calm when I did it, I feel that it might be because I am noy gay.

How exactly does asking yourself something in the mirror prove anything?

jdd wrote:How exactly does asking yourself something in the mirror prove anything?

Sorry it's just my HOCD. I just need reassurance.

-- Sat Apr 09, 2016 11:11 pm --

Honestly I've thought about this a lot and I think that deep deep down I am not gay/bi. I don't feel like I am. I just can't see my self being homosexual. I have tried to quote on quote "accept" it but I just am not. I don't know, do you guys know what's going on? I believe it's HOCD, I mean, I have had HOCD in the past and still have. My biggest fear is someone telling me I am gay to be honest.

Has any of this stuff happened to you guys? Like besides your mind telling you're physically attracted to the same sex but not liking it, "falling for" someone?

Oh and I forgot to mention. I like admiring this man I've talked about and I enjoy talking with him and all of that, what I DON'T like is "loving" him, it makes me uncomfortable. Same goes for that boy when I was 12. I remember one day not feeling anything for that boy after not seeing him for around 4 months and thinking "Wow, this is really great. I feel awesome, I don't love him but like him as a friend!". When the man told me that really nice thing I got a feeling of "good vibes" and I didn't feel love. I'm torturing myself with these thoughts. He's a pretty nice guy and he's also a lot like me (has the same opinions and all of that) that's why I wanna be like him someday. Can anyone help me with this? I really need reassurance I want someone to tell me I'm not gay :/

I cannot give you that reassurance, if I did it wouldn't help you.

What I see at the end of your post is admiration and wanting to be like someone else. Not wanting to be with them.