Ugh. Stupid stuff. Can I please just be normal. :\

Hello... This is really bothering me. The other day me and my boyfriend had this whole ordeal where he snapped at me and did a few other things that reminded me sliiiightly of my grandfather who has a lot of negative traits... I've grown to resent him for many reasons, he raised me (along with my grandmother who is great) but he was abusive for me emotionally (never in any other way though). Well, a lot of my OCD revolves around sexual intrusive thoughts. I feel like I'm attracted to everything sometimes because of how bad it gets. Some days I can just let the thoughts pass by and not care but other times it's not so easy as I'm sure you understand. I've had practically every sexual kind of image you could think of. Be it of family members, kids, or even animals. It's all pretty disgusting but I try to just think "hey you're just a sexual animal that can't help these mixed up crazy thoughts sometimes, they don't all mean something" but that only helps some of the time.

Well, once I connected even a tiny bit of my boyfriend to him, of couuurse as we were being intimate and such that same day I get these thoughts of my grandfather. It was disgusting but I know fighting ocd thoughts don't help and just makes it worse so I just tried to refocus and that worked pretty well over all, though it was still troubling. The thing that gets me is that I've had these thoughts of my grandfather before this too, just out of nowhere for no reason, even to the point of it intruding into a dream once. It makes me want to throw up but then of course I am over here thinking there has to be something to it, it makes no sense why I have more thoughts of him than another family member, why would my ocd just choose him so much more? Unless it's just because that makes me the most uncomfortable and bothers me the most. I hate that feeling that it must mean something. And then I was just listening to music which is one of my few escapes from OCD usually, and now I have that to be afraid of doing too now because I was listening to a song about a selfish lover/boyfriend type deal, but instead of thinking on my exes and how they were selfish, I thought of how selfish my grandpaw is and it was just very weird and then I was like "whyyyy did this happen, great, now I'm def going to keep thinking of him in these songs that are meant for romantic settings instead of being able to think of my boyfriend and it's going to feel real, and what if it is real? Am I in love with this person that repulses me or some weird crap?" because OCD distorts things THAT much which is insane.... I swear to you my OCD tries to take everything I enjoy away from me. Everything. :\

-- Sat Apr 02, 2016 2:01 am --

Not to mention just how vivid the images I can get in my head can be. To the point of them seeming very romantic like that I truly want them, like to the point of kissing intimate body parts or gross stuff like that. So tired of it when all I really want is to think of my boyfriend. It just feels too real in those moments. Maybe there's some kind of twisted attraction or love there because of the way he made me feel growing up, the way he emotionally abused me and was so controlling? Or maybe it's that he's always been there all my life and has protected me (except for not protecting me from his own abusive ways, always tried to protect me in other ways) and now he is sick and not doing very well but why oh why would I have any of these types of feelings towards him. I hate the idea that I could actually have even the tiniest part of me that would feel such a way. I don't get this.

Dear Hello_FrmTheOthrSide:

Nothing like OCD to rain on one's parade. For the longest time whenever I felt a bit happy (and it was not often, thanks to OCD among other things), I thought about how miserable my mother was. Immediately my smile disappeared, my split second joy and hope gone.

I don't know if this is helpful... but well, I hope your OCD lets go of your grandfather soon enough!

atina