I was thinking there would be no purpose to me doing such a thing but then I had this thought about the saying of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So then my brain was like "oh, so then there is a purpose in people going through pain. you can't grow without conflict or struggle". I tried to rationalize that thought then by thinking how we already have enough pain in the world, like with natural disasters and sickness and accidents that may give people opportunities to learn or grow, we don't need any more pain added into this world, only positive energy. But then the thought just keeps going right back to the one about how there can be a reason for pain or that it might could potentially have some type of good impact in the end, so then I feel like I might would do something. It's stupid, I know. I am not that type of person, but the thoughts just go on... like so many people are inconsiderate and don't really care that much who they hurt or pay it that much attention, why am I any different.
I know that regardless I am in control and I get to make the decisions on how I want to be, but what truly makes me decide to not hurt others? Is it just because of the consequences I could face myself? Or is it that I know what it feels like to be hurt so I don't want to do that to others, but then what if I actually want others to suffer BECAUSE I have suffered? Maybe I want it to be even, what if I want to inflict what has been inflicted upon me? I mean, why not? That's the question my brain keep really throwing at me.... "why not..." ugh. Then I feel the need to answer it over and over to try and convince myself of why I want to contribute positivity instead of negativity. My arguments never seem good enough for my brain though. Maybe I have built up resentment and pain inside that I just want to let out onto others???
I don't even know how to explain it all, but I can't even enjoy tv now because I see things that make me start deeply questioning life and myself. Such as earlier there was a scene where this girl works for a guy who told her that he was into her. She thought if she didn't return his advance then he would fire her. So she went and had sex with him, and during the sex she told him she was only doing it so he wouldn't fire her. He had plenty of pleasure still, but I kept thinking how that could give him mental issues from that... because she made him think she actually was into him. That can ruin his confidence and can give him trust issues. Everything I watch now or even all my actions I am doing I have to think if I am putting out enough positive energy if I am being harmful in any way to anyone or anything... on top of also getting all philosophical with everything even not harm stuff... and another thing is that me and my boyfriend have talked about trying out a very light version of bdsm, but still being a little rough with each other, and I love the thought, have fantasized about it for a while, but now I'm terrified of doing it because even if he gives consent and we have a safe word, how do I or how does he even know that he won't have some subconscious affects going on from it while we are doing it? Like it could have some type of negative impact on him or even on me if he plays the dominant role. But the other part of me thinks how it could be really fun and passionate and enjoyable for us.
And then it freaks me out the fact how I know that pain can be pleasurable. We can actually like pain as humans... even pain inflicted onto others. Such as how we can enjoy wrestling where they are hurting each other. I know this is partly because we are really just animals but I guess with my ocd I get so jumbled up with thoughts that I don't know where the lines gets drawn between all of this stuff. I mean even people have different views on good or bad and right or wrong. I think about the world and universe as a whole and how really it's only our minds and perceptions that make up the concept of right and wrong. Outside of our consciousness these things are just simply actions... and that thought also freaks me out. It's like none of it really matters... in a way. Yet I know it does at the same time. This moment that is here right now matters. I know this is like some deep philosophical weird stuff. lol But man has it all been getting to me. I don't want to debate really about any of it, I'm more seeking just thoughts and advice on how to let go and not worry about every little action I make or every scene I see in a show or even just scrolling through facebook I am constantly analyzing whether or not the person is being ethical in my eyes or if the post is of an ethical nature.
I don't want to do this with every little thing. One thing my thoughts were centered around for a bit was intrusive images of me sexually abusing a child which is just awful I know... but my brain keeps throwing in thoughts like "why not" and "nothing really matters" or "you're just an animal and want to destroy things and would enjoy it" and "the world needs pain" etc etc
makes me feel like I really want to or don't care because there is no actual right or wrong, idk. & I know religious people will disagree with that statement but I'm not religious and I think right and wrong are just things we define ourselves, and we may lean more towards something being right or wrong based on how we were brought up to think about it. I know I don't truly want to hurt anyone otherwise it wouldn't distress me, but then I question why does it distress me? Is it because society and my environment has taught this to me or because I am being logical this way or because that's my biological response or do I maybe actually biologically just have a ton of impulses that I want to act on? Do most people truly have good intentions? So many questions. :\I feel like people's intentions in doing things are very important... like maybe you run into someone in your car and they get hurt... you didn't intend to hurt them... but even that scares me now. So I know that's a lotttt to address but I really need help with this
I'm even worried about this post negatively impacting someone. Or like why should anyone waste their time on me or on my issues, I'm taking away from your valuable time... I just keep thinking about how I don't feel it right to impact others really in any way, why would it be my place to put myself into someone else's space? I mean, I was even thinking about how it's scary to me now to even think about going out anywhere, say even to the grocery store. If I go out, I'm creating the potential that I could hurt someone or impact someone negatively even if by accident, or maybe even just frustrating someone by getting in their way. Plus, if I were to just stay inside and live my life in here I could eliminate a lot of my No worries about going out and hurting anyone... but then I seriously also have a strong feeling like that deep down I don't care and actually want to go out and hurt people. I am being a bit paranoid at this point which is also scary. I feel crazy... I feel like I'm questioning all of life. Everything. All the time. How can I stop this? This makes me want to stop breathing at times. I also feel like I shouldn't be here unless I am continuously contributing positive things to society. I don't really want to ever have kids and so I've been having the thought that I really am not providing any purpose (even though it's good everyone isn't having kids as to not overpopulate) so I feel that I should be doing much more for the world. I just feel worthless, especially with all these thoughts and questions. It's so awful. So much weight on my chest. Such a heavy heart.
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