HOCD - reassurances backfiring very quickly

The first reassurance I had was "I don't want to have gay sex", but the more I used this to reassure myself, the more uncertain I was if I really didn't want to have gay sex.
I thought about kissing a guy, would be weird in the beginning, another reassurance, but now it feels kinda ok, aand this scares me, why I think it would be OK to Kiss a guy?
Holding hands, sleeping together, doing cute stuff... All this in the beginning helped me think I was straight, but now this is all backfiring so strongly and I've reached a point that I don't have any reassurance left, I've used all of it. And even if I find some, 1 minute later it will be already backfiring.

This is really making me think I'm gay. Sometimes I catch myself thinking " what would my family and friends think if they knew I'm gay?", it's almost like I've accepted that I'm gay.

What should I do, please????

-- Fri Mar 25, 2016 12:34 pm --

It's like my brain asks "how do you feel being gay?" "I'm not gay" "why??" and then I have no answer.

Dear qazwsxedc:

It just became more clear to me than before the following: it is natural for a man to be attracted to another man wherever you are on the continuum of straight and gay. The reason is because as humans who imagine and think in elaborate ways (unlike other animals) once you figure, as a man, that it is possible for another man to perform a certain sexual act on you and you figure correctly that this act will turn you on because of the act itself, next thing is a man will at one moment or another, seem attractive because you associate now the act and a man.

Once you know it is possible for a man to perform a sexual act on another man, and you are a man, done deal. Now you know you can be turned on by a man... and any man in the whole wide world can be turned on by another man simply because certain sexual acts will turn you on regardless who or what performs it.

Think about it. This means every straight man, will be turned on by a man once a sexual act is in progress. It is enough to imagine the act and be turned on, regardless of who is performing it.

I think I just deciphered HOCD and cured all sufferers (kidding, but I am getting this!)

atina